I just don't fit in

In high school, I felt comfortable pretty much anywhere, anytime, except for I'd guess dances and the guys locker room (never went to either, except for an undance for cinco de mayo that people only went to for the extra credit, let's be honest). I was friendly with teachers from all the departments, I participated in sports for two years, I loved band... As much as I try to have harsh feelings towards that ugly brick building with weird Lenapedes (multi-legged bugs), long days of classes, and gross color schemes, that building accepted me. I was comfortable hiding out in the short stacks (until we were kicked out. So much sadness, I know), participating in all-day labs, skipping gym on lame half days before the holidays to go to a friend's art class... 

But here at BYU, there's a certain pressure to be selective about what you do, and with all the buildings specializing in different subjects, sometimes there's an uncomfortable feeling when you're in a building that is for a career you know you'll never want to go into. I feel a little bit strange using the vending machines in the McKay (education) building, I feel awkward wearing jeans in the RB (fitness), and I feel like my backpack is a little bit to big, my stride a little bit too long, and my scarf not quite fashionable enough in the HFAC (music). And the Tanner building (business)? Well, it's undefinable, but let's just say you won't find me hanging out in there.

Sometimes I feel like that green leaf. I mean, I'm still a leaf just
 like everyone else, but I'm different. Although I guess in this
 analogy it would look like I'm the one who needs to change to
become like everyone else. I'm now regretting being the green
leaf because, c'mon, who wouldn't want to be an awesome red leaf?

Why must I always make dumb metaphors? Why?

People say that they want to be a nonconformist, but a lot of that I have to outright reject. That's why marriage is attractive, because you get to know someone deeply and intimately, and he/she will know you in the same why (why marriage scares me...), but you can't gain that connection without some common interests and values. Certainly we shouldn't all be the same, but there's a reason why engineers are a little bit weirded out when they see people from humanities majors in the Clyde (engineering) building.

You really want to be that guy. Really.

It's interesting that I feel a little bit uncomfortable in these buildings. I'm actually quite involved in music, I'm physically active, and there's a decent possibility that I'll end up teaching (although let's not get ahead of ourselves). It's not like I'm uncomfortable with the subjects, I guess I just perceive the difference in the people; I see that what they want to do is not what I want to do. And on some fundamental level, it matters.

When I entered college, I wanted a challenge. I wanted to have classes that I feel completely inadequate in, so that I would know how to overcome that. Because although I wouldn't wish for anything less than excellent grades, I know that if I got something less than what I'm used to that it would mean a lot more to me than all the other grades, because you had better know that I worked my butt off for that seemingly disappointing grade. One of my favorite reddit posts (not that I can really say that, since I've only spent like 20 minutes on reddit, ever) gives advice to people entering college, although I really think it can apply to anyone. Part of the post says [talking about people who attend MIT], "students that are successful look at that challenge, wrestle with feelings of inadequacy and stupidity, and begin to take steps hiking that mountain, knowing that bruised pride is a small price to pay for getting to see the view from the top. They ask for help, they acknowledge their inadequacies. They don't blame their lack of intelligence, they blame their lack of motivation."

I always assumed that I'd find that challenge in my engineering classes, but maybe I won't. Maybe I have to face my feelings of inadequacy about being a musician, a runner (snicker snicker), a social person, and whatever else. Maybe that's what I have to do if I want to (metaphorically) climb some mountains. 

I appreciate life

I've been thinking the difference that exists between when you say you enjoy something and when you truly appreciate it. I'm sure this doesn't exactly follow dictionary definitions of the words, but I think that enjoyment involves simple pleasure, whereas appreciation entails the effort and hard work that it takes to come to understand something thoroughly. For example, I would say that before I read Walter Lewin's book I enjoyed rainbows, but know I can say that I appreciate rainbows because I know how they work (although, granted, not perfectly).

It's this way with a lot of things in life. You can enjoy a good meal, but until you are faced with having to make it yourself (i.e. until college) you can't truly appreciate it. You can enjoy good weather, but unless you've lived somewhere where there's crappy weather all the time, you can't completely appreciate the gorgeous, crisp, fall days. The same goes for life: you can appreciate it, but unless you're pushed to your limits and face trials and challenges you can't fully appreciate life. So, some food for thought: are there some aspects of life which you are passively enjoying instead of actively appreciating?

This has nothing to do with anything...

I know I tend to take a lot of things for granted, although coming here to college has helped me see how much I have. I appreciate food easily ten times as much as I did in high school, because now I realize how difficult it is to come by (free food or homemade food). Letters are also really important, and I have to say getting a letter in the mail makes my day, every time. I appreciate transportation now that I'm walking everywhere (except for when I don't mooch off of my sister's fiance...). Man, it was nice having a car this past summer. Also, family, and everything that comes from living at home. Being super far away has made me appreciate how nice it was to have my laundry done, and to have little brothers and sisters bug me while I was doing homework -- or do fun things with like watch movies, or go to random dams in the middle of... somewhere, I think (that did happen). I also appreciate church a lot more since I'm putting forth more effort to make sure I'm living my life as I should be.

Am I doing perfectly? Certainly not. I can't say that I appreciate modern art. Not in the least bit. I just can't understand what the point is, what the artist is trying to say. And same goes for a lot of literature, film, architecture... and I don't think I can say that I appreciate the humanities. The mountains here? I've climbed Timpanogos, but I'm not going to count that, so I don't think I can say that I appreciate the mountains either, since I haven't experienced the cruel, harsh reality that climbing a mountain presents. The list goes on too. But am I going to stop trying to gain a greater understanding of everything that surrounds me? No. Am I going to live my life passively, enjoying the good parts that come my way? No! If there's one thing that I don't want to be, it's passive. Although I undoubtedly have not had the sorest trials in life, I have been challenged, and I have put forth a lot of effort to come to understand the life that surrounds me, so I think it would be fair to say that, on some level, I appreciate life.

Edit: I just watched Walter Lewin's lecture on rainbows and I think it's interesting to note that he makes a similar differentiation: at the beginning of the lecture he tells the class that they have looked at rainbows, but have not yet seen them.

it's October

It's funny, I come here, and suddenly I don't know what to say when people ask me what I like to do in my spare time. I guess it's a little bit less true now, since I've had some time to get in the flow of things, but right when I got here I was tongue tied whenever anyone asked me what I like to do for fun. All the things I did in high school such as mock trial, band, quiz bowl, oompah band in German Folk Club, Interact, marching band... I don't do them any more. And even less structured activities such as baking or playing with my little brothers or just sitting down at the piano and having fun with a piece... I can't exactly do  those things any more. Or rather, now they take effort.

I don't want it to sound like I'm having an identity crisis... I'm not. I myself know who I am, and I know where I want to be, and more or less how I want to get there. It's just... I don't know how to define myself to other people any more. I don't really feel like an engineer yet; in fact, at this point, I probably would classify myself as more of a scientist. And I'm not just a math/science person. I really enjoy music, reading, meeting new people, and learning in general.

My AP bio teacher in high school said that one characteristic people generally don't list when asked to describe themselves is happy. I am most certainly happy. There are always stressful moments, or days, or times when the seemingly only solution is crying, and I have experienced those feelings -- quite a bit more than usual -- here in college. But, whenever I'm feeling down, or stressed out, or overwhelmed, something good happens, or I lift my head up and see something really amazing. Maybe I'll understand the physics homework right away, or practicing organ will really calm me down and put somethings in perspective. Maybe someone will smile at me, I'll find a rainbow and I'll know how it works, or I'll see someone I know on campus.

One day as I was heading from writing to orgo, I had my head down, and was probably stressed, thinking about how I was going to accomplish all that had to be done that day, but I wasn't exactly upset. And then someone asked me if I was okay. While everything was fine, it was reassuring to know that there are people -- even complete strangers -- who are looking out for me. My Book of Mormon teacher told us last week that "it's almost October." It's almost that time where people start to get really stressed out, and life in general gets crazy - if it wasn't already. He told us about one of his students who had to leave halfway through the semester; his roommate had committed suicide, and he hadn't noticed because he was too caught up in his bubble.

As attractive as your bubble might be, get out of it. 

I don't know about everyone else, but when I have a lot to do and I feel that I can't afford to be unfocused, I withdraw into my own personal sphere, and it's really hard to penetrate it. I was doing homework over at friend's apartment the other day, and his roommate kept talking to me, and while I heard every single word he said, I can't say that I really listened. Although that might be good for my homework, I know that there are other things other than grades that are really important too, and perhaps even more so. So far this semester I have been trying really hard to keep myself aware of everything that is outside of my bubble. There are children out there. There are people that need my friendship. There are worthwhile ways to spend my time that don't always involve doing homework or studying. I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's October already. Watch that you don't get too caught up in your bubble.

fuzzy acorns!

     I have... not posted in forever. This week hasn't even been that crazy, I guess I just haven't really felt I have had anything worthwhile to post about. I won't bore you with the drab details of my week, but here are some highlights...

It got cooler! It's not anymore, but there were a good two or three days of sweatshirt weather, and some rain that will give you the chills. But whatever. I was super grateful for it because it seems like whenever everything points towards a good rainstorm, it doesn't happen. I still haven't used my umbrella yet though...

It was like this for at least a day before there was some actual rain.

Also, there are cool fuzzy acorns here! They're everywhere. Everywhere. I'll go to sit down in the grass and eat some food or whatever, and there'll be acorns, right where I want to sit!

That'd be them!

What else... I went to an instrumental concert! I was fed dinner three times this week, which you can really only fully appreciate as a college student. I sat up in a tree with other engineering/math/science-y people until past one last night. One of the library books I will swear I renewed was not, and now I have five dollars of fines because they charge a dollar a day and they don't e-mail you saying it's overdue until five days after. That's pretty sneaky of them. It also kinda sucks... But at least it was just one book I suppose, and not, say, five...

I have three tests this upcoming week! Don't let that sneaky exclamation mark fool you. I am only putting on a brave face, and really I am crying inside. Especially since one of them is for organic chemistry. I think so far I have been keeping up pretty well with problems in the books and so forth, but just because I think I'm ready doesn't really mean that I'm necessarily going to do well... AHHHHH. Let this week be over already, please.

Despite the moments when I feel overwhelmed by how much I have to do and don't know how everything will be accomplished, somehow I always find that somehow, everything does work out. I miss New Jersey, my family and everyone else I was close to back home quite a bit, but overall I'm happy here. I can't believe that this semester is already about a third of the way over. Crazy!

sweatshirt weather please!

Now that school has started and Labor day has passed, I'm anxious for fall to come. Maybe I'm crazy, but I've been walking to and from campus everyday, which usually takes me about twenty minutes each way. With the heat and my backpack, my back is generally turned into a sweaty mess, which is... undesirable, to say the least. Even without my back out of the question, I'm really looking forward to is the sidewalks full of crunchy, colorful leaves, snow-covered mountains, comfy sweatshirts, and of course cuddling up under my t-shirt quilt (on my poorly made bed, because I'm on the top bunk).

But, on the other hand, summer weather can be really fun. Yesterday I went boating with my sister, her fiance and some others, and it was super intense getting whipped around until you can't hold on any longer and fall off the tube (or banana boat, as it may be). I also tried wake boarding, and I got up... mostly, but I never got to standing position. All-in-all it was the best labor day I've had in years, but... I'm kinda burnt now and I'm sore; it hurts just to turn my neck and I have a pretty decent bruise on my right arm. Let's have some sweatshirt weather, please!