stopping to think

Okay. Okay okay. So there's a lot of stuff going on in my life right now--end of the semester for one--but I think maybe what's more important to address is what's going on outside my own protective bubble. Today there was a bombing at the Boston marathon. Three were killed and well over a hundred were injured.

I can't even imagine what would motivate something like this.

When I first saw this on Facebook I can't say that I was surprised. Not because I expected an event specifically like what happened, today, or in Boston, but just because it seems like horrible things happen all the time. Just think. Colorado movie theater shooting, Newtown, and others that I can't remember (or maybe didn't even hear about at the time). But does that lessen how terrible these events are? I would hope not, but yet I think often it does.

I am the first to admit that I get caught up, quite easily, in my life and all of my own needs. At college I think it's especially easy to do that, and with my busy class schedule, I hardly have time to do the things that I want to do, let alone to do other things that I should do but haven't prioritized. Like reading the news. That would definitely be a good thing to do. But back to the Boston marathon bombing. When I first saw it on Facebook (of course) I essentially disregarded it. And that's what bothers me. I didn't even think about it, even to think about my friends who are living in Boston.

Shouldn't I be able to recognize when something big has happened? Do several people have to tell me about it in order for my mind to recognize that this is something important that I should be aware of? It's tough because there is always stuff going on in life; the question is whether or not we allow ourselves to become too busy to stop and reflect.

I am the first to admit that I take way too much for granted: of course my family loves me, because they always have. Of course I can go without eating veggies, because I'm strong without them. Of course I can walk home when it's late and dark, because who'd rape me? Of course I can go to a third world country all by myself, because who's to stop me? Of course there's a life after death, because it wouldn't make any sense otherwise. I take my health, my education, my opportunities, my family, my faith, and so much more for granted but it's realizations like these and life itself pressing forward that makes me realize that what I have right now will not last forever, and also that other people often are not as fortunate as me.

I actually was thinking about this earlier when I was reading up on Nepal. The average per capita income last year was $625, which was higher than it has been in the past. Six hundred and twenty five dollars. Yes, it is a whole different world over there but I simply cannot even imagine living on that little. I barely even work and I make more than that in three months. So often it's easy to get caught up in the intense political fire that is prevalent in America and forget all of the really great things that we have here.

Dang these kids are cute.

It also makes me think that perhaps I'm not spending my money in the right ways. Who am I to throw around thousands of dollars on travelling the world when it would take other people many, many years to just earn that much money, let alone actually save it up? Sometimes my classes make me overconfident, making me think that I actually know something of some importance, when in reality some of the most important things are ones that book learning can't teach me, and to which the answers to can never be found.

Anyway, just some food for thought.

fighting fear

I think as humans we often tend to fear, and particularly fear the unknown. The future, the difficult, the unexpected and the unpreventable are all victims of our worry--and our fear. Anxiety can be good--if it motivates us to be better; however, often fear and self-doubt can lead to inaction, passively fighting against change. When this passive fight against change prevents necessary life progress from being made this seems to become somewhat counter intuitive, although sometimes I find myself falling into these traps as well. Shouldn't we be fearing more the consequences of our inaction than the consequences of our actions? Isn't the prospect of never getting a job worse than the thought of being rejected from various positions? Isn't the thought of just having to live without knowing enough to act as motivation? "It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed" (Theodore Roosevelt).

To me it's really amazing how much college changes things--I continually am presented with opportunities which I never imagined I'd be confronted with, let alone able to embrace. Most recently was my decision to travel to Nepal this summer for two weeks. A five day trek through the Himalayas. Sight-seeing in a foreign country--without my family. Over three days of flight time. I never would have imagined this, even just a month ago. But yet it's going to happen.

This is the view from Pool Hill (which I will be climbing this
summer) of some Himalayan peaks.

Am I scared? Of course. I hardly feel like I'm prepared in the most basic aspects, such as having a good backpack for trekking or broken in shoes, or being able to cover difficult terrain over extended periods of time, let alone feeling prepared for some of the tougher aspects. Dealing with a completely foreign culture, their people, and their language, and figuring out issues such as money, cold showers, etc. Handling international travel on my own and adjusting to time differences as well as altitude differences. Being without much modern technology which allows me to get in contact regularly with those I care about. Does it scare me? Yes, yes it does, but I can't--and I won't--let my fear talk me out of this great opportunity.

I have never been a procrastinator, and I won't put off foreign travel right now just because maybe I'm young, or maybe I should earn a little bit more money. To me it all comes down to the fact that I have no idea if I will ever be able to go to Nepal again. I might never have a chance to come across the great majesty of the Himalayas again. So I will put aside my fear and embrace the moment.

Quite simply, I am going to go.

to be a hero

Man, it's been a while since I've been posted. I just get so caught up in my routines sometimes that I guess I forget to think about things outside of the upcoming test, or the paper or homework that's due the next day. I also sometimes forget how to give myself a break: to just sit down and read a book, or to write a post without being rushed. But really it's my fault; I heaped all this work upon me which causes almost everything else to fade into the background.

Anyway, last Wednesday I went the art exhibit "We Could Be Heroes" at the BYU MOA (yes, BYU does love acronyms). Although in my art history class I've been having a tough time trying to understand what an art work is trying to communicate, this art exhibit along with some of the comments which were made really got me thinking. Even if you're not an art person (like me), I would definitely recommend going to an art museum (even if it's not the MOA) and taking the time to go through one exhibit really slowly, trying to understand what the artist is trying to say and how it's applicable to you. After all, isn't that the purpose of art?

Okay. So about them heroes....

Yoram Wolberger

I think as people we have a tendency to look at the accomplishments of people and generalize those accomplishments in order to say something conclusive about that person. We take those accomplishments to be a microcosm of the person as a whole, even though we know that that is simply not true. Let me explain. As a totally random example, take the baseball player above. How many young boys (and girls) aspire to be like him? How many grown adults crowd around a TV screen because of a baseball player? But are aspirations formed to become like baseball players (or Steve Jobs, or Taylor Swift, or whoever it may be) because of who they are, or because of what they've done and the seeming impossibility of it?

Take a minute and look at the photographs and painting below:

Elzbieta Jablonska

Dulce Carmen Pinzon Barbosa: "Superman"

Jason Yarmosky: "High Rollers"

What my question would be is: Who exactly can be a hero? At least to me it seems to be a pretty tough call, because no matter how extraordinary someone seems to be in one aspect of their lives there always is some aspect in which they fall short of "superhero" status; although of course even superheroes have their flaws. I might suggest that there are two general types of heroes, one based on accomplishments and the other based on character. You'll get people like the Robber Barons of industry who were certainly extraordinary in what they did for American capitalism but were no means the most morally upright people. And then there's the people that are role models: parents, teachers, siblings, etc. who are extraordinary for their patience, their resolve in the face of difficulty, their integrity, and so forth but aren't necessarily well-known, and their accomplishments, while note-worthy, are not exactly that significant in the big scheme of things. Does there exist such a hero both in character and accomplishments? Perhaps. But I certainly can't think of any off the top of my head.

So, what kind of hero do you want to be? And is it worth it to have the accomplishments if we lose moral character? I think if you asked most people if they would be like Steve Jobs if they could, most people would say yes, at least at first. But although Steve Jobs is extraordinary in what he was able to do with his company, he certainly was not a morally good man. No one even wanted to work with him. To make a pop culture reference, Peeta told Katniss before the games started that the one thing that he was afraid of that the games would take away from him who he was. Maybe that's what happens when people become heroes of accomplishment. I guess really then, it's a question of what's most important to us. Is it about who we become, or where we end up?

Which begs another question, why do we have heroes? I know that I certainly don't want to be a hero; I would hate to have that kind of responsibility, knowing that my actions will directly influence the decisions of others. But yet we look to imperfect people to be our role models and create superheroes in our culture. Is the presence of heroes in our culture beneficial? Or, perhaps I might argue that it's harmful to compare ourselves to some type of end goal which we desire for ourselves without examining the in-between steps.

Jonathan Hobin: "Dear Leader"
He's supposed to be a representation of Kim Jung Il. At what
point do the games, comic books, and childhood aspirations
become reality? Where's the line between innocence and who
we ultimately become?

Anyway. Not to overwhelm you with thoughts, but I'm on a roll here. What about all of the violence that's portrayed in conjunction with superheroes? I personally think that the emphasis on violence comes because as people we want to see that our hero is one of action, not just of words, and the easiest way to show that is through violence. Without the action and the violence how are we to know that they are who they say they are, and not just all talk? The poster on the wall in the museum for the monsters section of the exhibit said, "heroes are heroes because they fight our monsters" (paraphrasing). So, would superheroes be such if it were not for the violence?

There's really so many unanswered questions here, and I think the only real conclusion that can be made is that, well, there are so many gray areas. So many squiggly lines that poorly define what makes a person great, or what it really means to be a hero. I don't know that I would be able to define what it means to become a hero, or that if I could there would be anyone--fictional or otherwise--who would be able to satisfy the assuredly unrealistic qualifications.

But, perhaps, in someone's eyes you too can be a hero. Although maybe not quite like Captain America. Or the Hulk. Or Wonder Woman. Or any of the rest of them.

extraordinary

The word extraordinary has always confused me a little bit. I mean, if you're extraordinary then you're far from ordinary, and certainly not extra ordinary, yet to me it seems like extraordinary would mean just that: extra ordinary.

I want to be extraordinary. I don't necessarily want to be an extraordinary athlete or musician, but I want to be extraordinary as a friend, an engineering, a leader. So I'll set all these goals and kind of map out a game plan of where I want to be by the end of the weekend, end of the semester, in five years (I honestly don't think about anything past 5 years because I really don't know what's going to happen after that...). But yet somehow in my quest to become extraordinary I just feel extra ordinary. The hours are long, the pay is not good, and my boss is a grouch. Although not really. But this is about what my life has come to:

Ate breakfast on campus. On a Saturday morning.
After going to an 8 o'clock review session.
Story of my life right here.

I'm not saying this to be pessimistic, and school right now is pretty fulfilling and all, but sometimes it just feels like I'm a little disconnected from who and where I want to be. Malcolm Gladwell wrote in his book, Outliers, that success comes when there is a clear connection between effort and reward. I know there is. I know that everything will pay off eventually. But right now it doesn't always seem clear that spending painstaking hours on my chem labs or on my math homework will be worth it. I'll take it on faith, but man, it gets tiring sometimes.

But hey, long weekend! And in other news yesterday I was certified as an open water diver! It's funny how when I was younger there were all these things I wanted to do: backpack Europe, go paragliding (also wanted to build an ultra lite and then fly it...) and bunches of other things. I was just looking at the list of things I wanted to do when I was in 7th or 8th grade, and scuba diving wasn't on there although snorkeling was... scuba diving is pretty much snorkeling to the next level so I think I'll call it good.

Anyway, it's interesting how I came up with all these life experiences that I wanted to have, and getting into high school I honestly didn't think they would ever happen. How was I going to find the time, money, and people to make these goals happen? And somehow in the face of education my adventurous goals seemed unrealistic and impractical. Yet I've somehow managed to accomplish an appreciable number and will add quite a few this summer. I mentioned him before, but Randy Pauch is awesome and if you have some extra time you should watch his last lecture. In the post I linked to I mentioned that I didn't really think I could fulfill childhood dreams as I never thought I had any. But I think I already have. And am. Fulfilling childhood dreams that is.

If you're like me and think your life is extraordinarily dull and that what you're doing is entirely disconnected from where you want to be well... maybe you're right, I don't know. But remember the gap between extraordinary and extra ordinary is probably not as large as you think.

One ticket at a time, as case may be.

not a cookie cutter life

One of my friends gave me cookie cutters for Christmas... they're my favorite. There's three different shapes--star, heart, and flower--and then there's different sizes that all fit inside of each other. I tried to find a rolling pin in the store... but no luck. So I used a make shift rolling pin. And by that, I mean I used the wood thing used to stand up the paper towels. Anyway, in other news, I love the weekends, if only for the chance that they give me to sleep in and make cookies.

Using my roommate's instagramed picture because I'm too
lazy to go take a picture myself...

I've been thinking a lot about how the way that I react to different situations is a lot different than the way that other people do, and how I interact with the world differently than most people. How I can stay on campus from 8:30am to 10 at night... and then do the same thing the next day and actually get some satisfaction out of it. How sometimes I don't know how to talk (although I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who has trouble talking...). How I feel drained after interacting with people too long. How I know the names of about two bands and three actors, just because I'm not really interested in learning the names of people I'm never going to meet.

In my global leadership class lately we've been talking about personality types. My teacher had us take the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), which determines personal preferences in interacting with other people and situations. It's interesting how our personalities can explain so much about why people do the things that they do. For example, I don't like prolonged social interaction because I'm an introvert.

I just want to say here that I do get out... sometimes. Tonight I went to a dance. And last week I did too actually. And then I went to a club... and let's just say it's not my thing. I just don't really like to be in big group settings. Lots of times they make me lonely, which might seem counter intuitive because if you're around lots of people you shouldn't be lonely... right? But not really. It's when I'm around all of these people that I don't really know that well and they're (presumably) having fun. And I'm not. And I feel like none of them will be able to understand me, and I can't ever find out because the music's playing too loud and I'm lost. One in a crowd.

Which is why I prefer small groups. I like to be seen as an individual. And I like to see other people as individuals as well, not just as their outward appearance.

Sorry for thinking so much, but the other day I was thinking about what high school students might aspire to I suppose to do when they're "crazy and in college." I'm sure you've already caught on, but my crazy is something completely different than most people's. My "crazy and in college" is more of a "crazy about college." It's not going half way. It's seeking out new experiences.

Just a bit of a side note on that, I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to be doing this summer, and I've been playing around with a lot of ideas in my head. I feel like this summer is going to be one of the last where I can really do whatever I want without feeling confined to getting an internship, or being financially forced into getting a job--or multiple jobs. Although a job is always nice. I don't care so much what I do or where I go so long as it's something new. I applied for some internships; I'll apply for some more this weekend. And then I've been looking at camp counselor jobs, and study abroad opportunities. I'm the type of person who really likes to have things planned out, and to not know where I'm going to be living in a little over three months bothers me, but I'm trying to embrace the uncertainty. Because most times life doesn't allow you to plan things out.

I feel like I've let this post go everywhere, which is really bothersome. There's nothing worse than a rambling post with no theme. But there is! I am different, whether by my personality or my experiences. And the same is true for everyone else. There are no cookie cutter people.

Unless, you know, there are a lot of cookie cutters. And they're
all really awesome. Then it's totally possible.

phobic

This is the third time I've tried to start writing this post. And I don't think it's because it's early in the morning already (and I haven't gone to bed yet), although that might contribute, but it's more because I don't even know how to talk about guys. Because I (almost) never do.

Let me start out by saying that I'm not phobic to guys. Over 80% of the people in my major are guys. One of my closest friends is of the gender in question. And a lot of the friends I've made here at college are also of that gender. In fact, I often get along with guys better, just because there tend to be a lot more guys who are scientifically minded and can relate to me when I make awkward nerd jokes or talk about optimizing my path home. Although like my physics teacher said about guys in engineering/math/science fields, "the odds are good but the goods are odd."

Dude. She's not even touching you.

I'm not phobic to guys. I'm phobic to relationships. Ever since my sister became engaged, I've been a little bit wary of relationships. Which is not to say that I had any reason to be, since it's not like I've been asked out on a whole lot of dates, but still, there lies in the back of my head that nagging fear, telling me that if I ever start to date someone, it's going to get serious, and they I'm going to get married. And I don't want to get married. Not yet anyway. I'm too attached to having every aspect of my life exactly the way I want it. Also I like being alone too much.

But even more than relationships, I'm afraid of meeting someone who will change my mind. Call me crazy, but it could happen, and at BYU it happens all the time. That's what happened to my sister after all.

Speaking of my sister, a friend and I decorated the car of my sister and her husband at long last! We were going to do it on their wedding day, but then there were various obstacles to be overcome. Well, mainly lack of window paint. Let me tell you this, window paint has a tough time when it's cold outside. Balloons, streamers, window paint... the whole shebang. And the best part? Googly eyes on magnets. Hah. Best idea ever. (Can't remember if that was my idea or not, but I will gladly take credit.)

I just don't fit in

In high school, I felt comfortable pretty much anywhere, anytime, except for I'd guess dances and the guys locker room (never went to either, except for an undance for cinco de mayo that people only went to for the extra credit, let's be honest). I was friendly with teachers from all the departments, I participated in sports for two years, I loved band... As much as I try to have harsh feelings towards that ugly brick building with weird Lenapedes (multi-legged bugs), long days of classes, and gross color schemes, that building accepted me. I was comfortable hiding out in the short stacks (until we were kicked out. So much sadness, I know), participating in all-day labs, skipping gym on lame half days before the holidays to go to a friend's art class... 

But here at BYU, there's a certain pressure to be selective about what you do, and with all the buildings specializing in different subjects, sometimes there's an uncomfortable feeling when you're in a building that is for a career you know you'll never want to go into. I feel a little bit strange using the vending machines in the McKay (education) building, I feel awkward wearing jeans in the RB (fitness), and I feel like my backpack is a little bit to big, my stride a little bit too long, and my scarf not quite fashionable enough in the HFAC (music). And the Tanner building (business)? Well, it's undefinable, but let's just say you won't find me hanging out in there.

Sometimes I feel like that green leaf. I mean, I'm still a leaf just
 like everyone else, but I'm different. Although I guess in this
 analogy it would look like I'm the one who needs to change to
become like everyone else. I'm now regretting being the green
leaf because, c'mon, who wouldn't want to be an awesome red leaf?

Why must I always make dumb metaphors? Why?

People say that they want to be a nonconformist, but a lot of that I have to outright reject. That's why marriage is attractive, because you get to know someone deeply and intimately, and he/she will know you in the same why (why marriage scares me...), but you can't gain that connection without some common interests and values. Certainly we shouldn't all be the same, but there's a reason why engineers are a little bit weirded out when they see people from humanities majors in the Clyde (engineering) building.

You really want to be that guy. Really.

It's interesting that I feel a little bit uncomfortable in these buildings. I'm actually quite involved in music, I'm physically active, and there's a decent possibility that I'll end up teaching (although let's not get ahead of ourselves). It's not like I'm uncomfortable with the subjects, I guess I just perceive the difference in the people; I see that what they want to do is not what I want to do. And on some fundamental level, it matters.

When I entered college, I wanted a challenge. I wanted to have classes that I feel completely inadequate in, so that I would know how to overcome that. Because although I wouldn't wish for anything less than excellent grades, I know that if I got something less than what I'm used to that it would mean a lot more to me than all the other grades, because you had better know that I worked my butt off for that seemingly disappointing grade. One of my favorite reddit posts (not that I can really say that, since I've only spent like 20 minutes on reddit, ever) gives advice to people entering college, although I really think it can apply to anyone. Part of the post says [talking about people who attend MIT], "students that are successful look at that challenge, wrestle with feelings of inadequacy and stupidity, and begin to take steps hiking that mountain, knowing that bruised pride is a small price to pay for getting to see the view from the top. They ask for help, they acknowledge their inadequacies. They don't blame their lack of intelligence, they blame their lack of motivation."

I always assumed that I'd find that challenge in my engineering classes, but maybe I won't. Maybe I have to face my feelings of inadequacy about being a musician, a runner (snicker snicker), a social person, and whatever else. Maybe that's what I have to do if I want to (metaphorically) climb some mountains. 

a bucket list of sorts

I like lists. I like them a lot. I also like goals.

But first, let me explain. You've most likely heard of The Bucket List, perhaps you've even made one. But maybe you haven't heard of Randy Pausch. He's a professor, was a professor rather, at CMU, a fantastic university with tartan as the school color (aka Carnegie Melon). One of my friends is going there actually. But anyway, he (Randy Pausch) only had a certain amount of time to live, and so he gave a last lecture, one on achieving childhood dreams. I usually don't post videos because somehow I have managed not to get addicted to YouTube or pinterest or Facebook (okay, well, that one might be different), although things like this tend to amuse (and distract) me.... Anyway, I know this video is especially long, but if you have time I'd recommend watching it.

Anyway, I agree with him in that setting goals and accomplishing them is important, but I don't think it's necessarily vital to fulfill childhood dreams. I honestly can't remember what I wanted to do when I was little, all I know is that I was surprised at where my life lead me in high school. So it's important to be flexible, and not so rigid in following goals that were made long before that opportunities are missed. And by that, I mean that whatever I aspired to do when I was little probably won't happen. Especially since I can't remember what I wanted to do. Whoops.

Okay. Now for the list. Here's a bucket list of sorts of what I want to do in college

• Go on an impromptu road trip
• Take an online class or take a class with independent study
• Meet the president of the university
• Attend general conference in the conference center
• Start a club
• Pull two all-nighters in one week
• Sleep in until at least 3PM
• Learn how to cook (left with no clear definition on purpose)
• Pull a prank (like this. Heh.)
• Explore all the buildings on campus
• Participate in research that is published
• Learn how to ski
• Make a crazy small budget and keep it for at least a month. What I mean by this is mostly referring to the idea of living off of $30 for food for a month or some similar experience, mostly just to see if I can do it. (Really, go look at that link. It's interesting.)
• Live like a missionary for a week (go to bed by 10, wake up by 6, no Facebook, etc.)
• Run a 5K
• Make a palindrome
• Climb a mountain
• Work as a TA/writings fellow
• Go out to lunch with a professor
• Stay up all night talking to someone
• Make the dean's list
• Backpack through Europe/Study abroad

And there's more. So many more.

my fears

There is always some part of me that is afraid: afraid that my actions right now aren't good enough and that I'll regret them later. It's not that I'm making obviously poor choices; it's more subtle than that, but there's always the part of me that tells me that I can be better than I am, and that I should be trying harder to be that person. I'm afraid that I'm not living my life in the best way possible, I'm afraid that one day I'll look back and think about who I could have become but didn't. Part of me is afraid that I'm not good enough now to get into my dream school, MIT, for grad school, and then another part of me, perhaps a larger part, is afraid that when the time comes that that won't be what I want anymore. It scares me how little control I have over my life. I want to take my life by the horns, but yet I'm forced to live life one day at a time, just like everybody else.

And perhaps that's what makes life difficult: the fact that we do have to go by life one day at a time. It's easy to make big plans, but actually following through on those plans... that's difficult. It happens to me all the time with homework, especially the homework with a due date far in the future (i.e. summer homework... which I didn't have this summer!). I'll make big plans to do it, and I'll even start it, but then I'll feel overwhelmed, and I'll give up, or at least for that day. But in order to be successful you have to be persistent  I read this book over the summer, and I would highly recommend it. It's called The Drunkard's Walk: How Randomness Rules Our Everyday Lives, and like the title might imply, it's about randomness. The book talked a lot about how just mere talent does not guarantee success: authors we now praise often only became renown after many attempts at having their books published, and popular movies likely have an equally good counterpart movie that was never produced because the idea was shot down.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going upstream, and all of the fish
are giving me really strange looks

Although I certainly have my share of imperfections, I can't let my fears rule my life. I need to decide now that I am going to act. Not tomorrow, today. I will change today. I will stop wasting time, I will stop going to bed too late (actually can't do that today... already past midnight. Whoops. But oh hey that means I can go to bed earlier today!), I will try harder to have a social life. I will be better, and I will start today.

one of those days

Make sure you're seeing the whole picture --
with everything important in it

You know those days that seem to drag on forever and you desperately want them to be over -- even though that means that you'll have to face whatever dreadful thing the next day presents? One of those days where you have so much to do, and you don't know how you're going to get everything done? The kind of day where when someone smiles in passing at you you just can't muster the strength to reciprocate the smile? That's what I think what living in the moment is. Or, at least, one type of living in the moment. And, it happens to me much more than I would like. Today for example.

Today was one of those days. I left my apartment at 8:20 this morning and didn't get back until 8:30 tonight. Between classes, studying for my stats test, taking my stats test, doing homework, working on research stuff, this day has way too long. I still haven't done everything I should have, such as studying for my physics test, printing out my writing paper (and editing it...), buying my sister a birthday present (her birthday is tomorrow. whoops.), practicing organ, and probably other things too that I can't remember. Sometimes, the here and now feels overwhelming.

Unless I'm disciplined, I tend to focus on
what isn't as important in the long term

I consider myself a very future-oriented person. Most everything I do is because I'm expecting something good will come out of it... eventually. But yet, it seems like every day I have a list of things I need to do, and I have no sort of plan of how to do them. And generally, everything on that list focuses on what I need to do right then. Study for my test this week, pass off organ exercises that are due, finish physics homework and hand it in, make sure I reach five hours of work for my research job... Now that I'm in the midst of the semester, the farthest in the future I can seem to focus on (and act upon, not just think about) is a couple of days in the future. I might do my chemE homework a couple days early, or I might start studying for a big test the week before, but that's it.

Perhaps I need to refocus, and see how my goals and interests align with what I'm currently doing. Because really, focus makes the difference between the desired result, and something different all together.