it is finished.

Finals are over! At last. Which is not to say that this semester is actually over yet; look at my desk for one:

I honestly don't know how I'm getting anything done here.
All I know is that I don't want to clean up that mess, let alone
start packing up all the rest of my stuff. Wah.

Despite the fact that I have really been longing for finals to to be over it's kind of sad now, because with finals over that means that I actually have to get to those things that are important to do, but not super pressing, like figuring out if I have everything I need for Nepal, making sure I have a ride to the airport, packing all of my stuff, etc. Darn. Also, my friends (all two or three of them, hah) are starting to leave! So it's a bit of a bummer deal, but part of me knows that it's time for a break. It's always good to be exposed to the real world or even environments that you haven't been exposed to in a while--in my case, home. It'll be strange being around little kids all the time and having to tell people where I'm doing and for what purpose beforehand.

Here's two semester's in retrospect:

• I went on a couple of dates. Yes, it surprised me too.
• I became a certified open water scuba diver!
• I lived in a blanket fort for a month with four other girls. (Yes, it was awesome.)
• I have gotten less sleep and done more work on a daily basis than ever before.
• I finally learned how to properly play the organ. And I played in master class. It was kind of a big deal for me.
• I gained some weight. In case you were interested in knowing.
• I learned about how stuff burns! Research jobs are awesome. 
• I am currently preparing to get one of the lowest grades of my entire academic career. Which is not to say that it's bad, but it's still quite momentous for me. 
• I went to general conference in the conference center. Awesome.
• I took a total of 38 credits of classes. Probably not one of the wisest decisions I have ever made. But I survived honorably I believe, thank goodness.
• I met so many amazing people who I am going to miss dearly this summer! *sobs*

a belated pi day post

Maybe it's because I'm a complete nerd or maybe because math is wonderful and has the capacity to be oh so very interesting, but I'm a fan of Vi Hart and her videos. If I had a guarantee that math would be as cool as she makes it seems in her videos all of the time, I would become a math major right now. But alas. It's not so. But Vi Hart has convinced me that tau is indeed better than pi. You're probably wondering what tau is. It's okay. I too once was ignorant of the wonders of tau. 

And if tau is not good enough for you, maybe wau will be. 

If she can't make you love math, I honestly don't know who can. Anyway, here is a picture of the rebellious tau cookies I made last pi day. Ironically I don't think I even remembered tau day when it came around. (Although I believe I was in France so I guess I can use that as some sort of an excuse...).

That's right. I'm going against you pi.

Despite the fact that tau is by far superior to pi, I'm still a fan of anything that allows me to embrace the nerdy. So of course I bought a pi day t-shirt. With the money I won from a bet with my math TA. Yes, I know betting is not the best. But he was insisting that no set of vectors could span if they were linearly dependent! I mean, it's obvious, really.

Just kidding pi. You're the (second) best.

Anyway, happy late pi day!

extraordinary

The word extraordinary has always confused me a little bit. I mean, if you're extraordinary then you're far from ordinary, and certainly not extra ordinary, yet to me it seems like extraordinary would mean just that: extra ordinary.

I want to be extraordinary. I don't necessarily want to be an extraordinary athlete or musician, but I want to be extraordinary as a friend, an engineering, a leader. So I'll set all these goals and kind of map out a game plan of where I want to be by the end of the weekend, end of the semester, in five years (I honestly don't think about anything past 5 years because I really don't know what's going to happen after that...). But yet somehow in my quest to become extraordinary I just feel extra ordinary. The hours are long, the pay is not good, and my boss is a grouch. Although not really. But this is about what my life has come to:

Ate breakfast on campus. On a Saturday morning.
After going to an 8 o'clock review session.
Story of my life right here.

I'm not saying this to be pessimistic, and school right now is pretty fulfilling and all, but sometimes it just feels like I'm a little disconnected from who and where I want to be. Malcolm Gladwell wrote in his book, Outliers, that success comes when there is a clear connection between effort and reward. I know there is. I know that everything will pay off eventually. But right now it doesn't always seem clear that spending painstaking hours on my chem labs or on my math homework will be worth it. I'll take it on faith, but man, it gets tiring sometimes.

But hey, long weekend! And in other news yesterday I was certified as an open water diver! It's funny how when I was younger there were all these things I wanted to do: backpack Europe, go paragliding (also wanted to build an ultra lite and then fly it...) and bunches of other things. I was just looking at the list of things I wanted to do when I was in 7th or 8th grade, and scuba diving wasn't on there although snorkeling was... scuba diving is pretty much snorkeling to the next level so I think I'll call it good.

Anyway, it's interesting how I came up with all these life experiences that I wanted to have, and getting into high school I honestly didn't think they would ever happen. How was I going to find the time, money, and people to make these goals happen? And somehow in the face of education my adventurous goals seemed unrealistic and impractical. Yet I've somehow managed to accomplish an appreciable number and will add quite a few this summer. I mentioned him before, but Randy Pauch is awesome and if you have some extra time you should watch his last lecture. In the post I linked to I mentioned that I didn't really think I could fulfill childhood dreams as I never thought I had any. But I think I already have. And am. Fulfilling childhood dreams that is.

If you're like me and think your life is extraordinarily dull and that what you're doing is entirely disconnected from where you want to be well... maybe you're right, I don't know. But remember the gap between extraordinary and extra ordinary is probably not as large as you think.

One ticket at a time, as case may be.

not a cookie cutter life

One of my friends gave me cookie cutters for Christmas... they're my favorite. There's three different shapes--star, heart, and flower--and then there's different sizes that all fit inside of each other. I tried to find a rolling pin in the store... but no luck. So I used a make shift rolling pin. And by that, I mean I used the wood thing used to stand up the paper towels. Anyway, in other news, I love the weekends, if only for the chance that they give me to sleep in and make cookies.

Using my roommate's instagramed picture because I'm too
lazy to go take a picture myself...

I've been thinking a lot about how the way that I react to different situations is a lot different than the way that other people do, and how I interact with the world differently than most people. How I can stay on campus from 8:30am to 10 at night... and then do the same thing the next day and actually get some satisfaction out of it. How sometimes I don't know how to talk (although I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who has trouble talking...). How I feel drained after interacting with people too long. How I know the names of about two bands and three actors, just because I'm not really interested in learning the names of people I'm never going to meet.

In my global leadership class lately we've been talking about personality types. My teacher had us take the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), which determines personal preferences in interacting with other people and situations. It's interesting how our personalities can explain so much about why people do the things that they do. For example, I don't like prolonged social interaction because I'm an introvert.

I just want to say here that I do get out... sometimes. Tonight I went to a dance. And last week I did too actually. And then I went to a club... and let's just say it's not my thing. I just don't really like to be in big group settings. Lots of times they make me lonely, which might seem counter intuitive because if you're around lots of people you shouldn't be lonely... right? But not really. It's when I'm around all of these people that I don't really know that well and they're (presumably) having fun. And I'm not. And I feel like none of them will be able to understand me, and I can't ever find out because the music's playing too loud and I'm lost. One in a crowd.

Which is why I prefer small groups. I like to be seen as an individual. And I like to see other people as individuals as well, not just as their outward appearance.

Sorry for thinking so much, but the other day I was thinking about what high school students might aspire to I suppose to do when they're "crazy and in college." I'm sure you've already caught on, but my crazy is something completely different than most people's. My "crazy and in college" is more of a "crazy about college." It's not going half way. It's seeking out new experiences.

Just a bit of a side note on that, I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to be doing this summer, and I've been playing around with a lot of ideas in my head. I feel like this summer is going to be one of the last where I can really do whatever I want without feeling confined to getting an internship, or being financially forced into getting a job--or multiple jobs. Although a job is always nice. I don't care so much what I do or where I go so long as it's something new. I applied for some internships; I'll apply for some more this weekend. And then I've been looking at camp counselor jobs, and study abroad opportunities. I'm the type of person who really likes to have things planned out, and to not know where I'm going to be living in a little over three months bothers me, but I'm trying to embrace the uncertainty. Because most times life doesn't allow you to plan things out.

I feel like I've let this post go everywhere, which is really bothersome. There's nothing worse than a rambling post with no theme. But there is! I am different, whether by my personality or my experiences. And the same is true for everyone else. There are no cookie cutter people.

Unless, you know, there are a lot of cookie cutters. And they're
all really awesome. Then it's totally possible.

it's all new

Man, new semester. So exhausting. But I'm glad. Because as much as I love break, and would love to sleep in until noon everyday and not have to worry about much the rest of the day, there's something exhilarating about having accomplished something.

This week has been crazy so far, but I don't think necessarily in a bad way.

• I tried sushi . Also Dr. Pepper. And saw Garfield and Friends. And Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. All for the first time. Okay, so I might be getting started late on all those "essential life experiences," but at least I'm getting them in, right?
• I accidentally signed up for technical writing (a class for mainly chem and biochem majors, from what I can tell) instead of technical communication... Showed up to class to class full of seniors and super seniors, and let's just say I felt a little bit out of place.
• I'm taking an honors art history class... I can't say that I feel super comfortable there either. 
• Tonight I made banana oil in my o chem lab! I realize that I only signed up for 1 credit (which would means I only take it for half the semester), but I'm already kind of attached to that class, even though it is late at night. 

Hahahaha if only I had a phone like that....

• Tomorrow marks the day of my first scuba diving class. Words cannot tell you how excited I am. This class will make Fridays just that much more sweet. (You might not be surprised that I made the decision to take a Friday night class based on the assumption that I was going to have no social life this semester...).
• Last Sunday I made fudge! I think there's still some left, but I'm too lazy to go take a picture. Sorry guys. But the reason for that is that every year around Christmas my mom made fudge. This year, she didn't, and I didn't get around to it either while I was home. So I decided that I couldn't let that tradition die. And besides, fudge is delicious, and not all that difficult to make.
• OH! Also I played on not one, but five real pipe organs yesterday! Ah, so happy! Also two clavichords but those aren't nearly as fun. Playing a real organ makes me feel so powerful. It's wonderful. 
• Just as kind of a side note, not having 8 o'clock classes makes such a difference.

I've been thinking lately about what I want to do this summer. I applied to a couple of internships, and hopefully I'll apply to a couple more this weekend. But I'm not sure if that's what I want to do... I want to go and see places, and do things, and I feel like this is my one chance while I'm still in college. Before my sister got married, we always planned on backpacking Europe, and now I want to go but I have no one to go with. Sad day. 

a year in retrospect

Over break I went back to Lenape, and in some ways, it hardly seemed like things had changed from last year. Okay, so I didn't generally receive as many hugs in high school as I did that day visiting, but sitting next to one of my best friends it seemed possible that it was only last Friday that we were sitting together for lunch, drawing random pictures, and searching for the turtle animal crackers. (Because they're the best.) But it has been a whole year.

There are just a few of the cookies that I made for my sister's
wedding. And yes, I know that I am a fantastic photographer.
The angle was purposeful. (Maybe.)

Despite all the changes in my life, the winter break was for the most part the same. Dad losing at Monopoly (okay, he won... once), pigs in the blanket on Christmas eve, Christmas cards hung up on string in the living room... All of my family traditions brought the year full circle.

Although I try not to limit goal setting and reflection about how far I've come to this time of year, I think that it is suiting to think about the changes this past year brought to me--and about the changes this new year will bring.

This past year...

• I learned that, despite what I was taught in high school (sorry Newton), physics is amazing. The universe is incredibly complex and the mystery of how everything ties together continues to intrigue me. Speaking of which, I just bought a new book about physics! (Okay, so it was this year not last, but minor details...).

It has all these recreational experiments that I'm excited to try out.
One of them's boiling water in snow! (Although obviously
that's chemistry, not physics.... duh.)

• I graduated from high school! Woot! Also started going to college (gasp!) and started my own blog.
• Traveled to Europe for the second time ever, the first time that I can ever remember. Let's just say that the Mona Lisa is a bit of a disappointment, but the Eiffel tower...? Oh man.

Almost fit it into my backpack.
Almost, but not quite.

• I went through three jobs: Dunkin' Donuts, rame-hart instrument co., and now the research lab.
• I watched my sister get married to her best friend. (There was a point where I thought that person was me, but alas. There's no time to be sore about that now.)

See, I'm super strong!

• I applied for internships! Oh wait, I was going to, but then I didn't get to that until... oh, about four hours ago. 
• I learned to appreciate a crunchy leaf to a new extent. (Also recently discovered that snow is just as satisfyingly crunchy, and the chances of getting a good crunch out of snow are much higher than finding a non-soggy leaf to crunch. Just so you know.)
• I learned how to play the organ! Formally, anyway.
• Somehow managed to attend college and not become poor. 

I can't say that a whole lot has changed now that it's 2013, but hopefully some new (good) changes will come this year. I'm really excited for this new semester; I'm taking 10 classes which I know sounds like a lot, but most of them are easier classes. Like scuba diving! Words cannot express to you how excited I am for that class. 

So I'm guessing that this semester will be a little bit more challenging than last (obviously because of that really tough scuba diving class...), but hopefully I'll still have time to post here, bake cookies, sleep sufficiently... and get an internship this summer! I almost didn't apply to any because the lazy part of me told me it would be fine to work another summer at Dunkin' Donuts, but then I did anyway and I'm really glad I did. Although I still have five or so more places I want to apply to. 

As for some resolutions...

• Be more open to people and new ideas.
• Read more frequently.
• Spend less time distracted.

A perfect example of me being distracted.
My apologies for making you see that.
Also sorry for the weird effects. I couldn't figure out how to
change them.

• Go to bed earlier (great, already breaking that one... it's 1am right now), and don't fight waking up in the morning.
• Learn how to make some real food. (Enough noodles, seriously.)

finals crazy

So this finals week has been crazy in a lot of ways... and in a lot of ways I don't think I necessarily expected it to be. 

I'm just going to start from the beginning. At 5:16am on Monday morning I woke up, bundled up, and headed to the temple. About 8:30 I was back at my apartment, and by 9:47 I was trudging through the snow with my fire cupcakes (unfortunately I didn't think to take pictures) for my writing final. Because the final was a presentation, and mine was about fire. It's totally related. 

Anyways. So I get to campus, practice my writing presentation, head over to my writing final and only slightly freak out that I'm in the wrong place or showing up at the wrong time (showing up a half an hour early will do that to you), only to be saved by my classmates who 1. showed up in the same place as me. Hurrah! and 2. were kind enough to lend me a thumb drive to put my powerpoint on because mine broke...

After the final, there were still a lot of cupcakes left over, especially between my cupcakes and this other girl's. So, she had the brilliant idea of going to the testing center and handing them out! She had to go back to her dorm, but I went over and gave people cupcakes! I was kind of surprised how many people said they didn't want one, but hey. Free choice. It made me really happy though, because I know how I would feel if someone gave me a free cupcake on the terrible week with tons of tests. I like to think that may have initiated something of a trickle down effect, where because I did this one nice thing others will be inspired to pass that kind act along to others. If not, it was still worth it. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm still three years old. But really,
trampoline man is really awesome and I promise
 he will bring you lots of happiness.

So on Tuesday (yesterday) I had a 7am final, so I set my alarm and put it on my desk so I'll be forced to get out of bed to turn it off and thus will wake up. False. Completely false. I wake up at 9:06 in the am and freak out when I see that there's sun pouring through the blinds... because that's not supposed to happen at 5:30 in the morning. At 9:09am I'm out the door and rushing to campus to take my final that began over two hours ago. Luckily, my professor had mercy, and I was able to take my organ final (which ended up being fairly short so I didn't have to feel too stressed about time) and pass off my repertoire piece (Bach's Fugue in G!).

Then after taking my physics test, I headed home and pretty much from 3:30pm to 12:34am I studied for my stats final, with maybe two hours of break time. And I'm really glad I did because I'm sure if I didn't go through practice problems and all that good stuff I would probably still be taking that final right now, trying to figure out what the formulas mean. This final was at 7am too, and I woke up for it! And ended up being twenty minutes early too. Miraculous.

How cute are they! I am so excited.

Well, it's Wednesday now, which means that I only have two finals left, one this afternoon and one tomorrow, and then tomorrow afternoon I get to see my family! They're all coming out here for my sister's wedding and I am super excited to see them.

I just don't fit in

In high school, I felt comfortable pretty much anywhere, anytime, except for I'd guess dances and the guys locker room (never went to either, except for an undance for cinco de mayo that people only went to for the extra credit, let's be honest). I was friendly with teachers from all the departments, I participated in sports for two years, I loved band... As much as I try to have harsh feelings towards that ugly brick building with weird Lenapedes (multi-legged bugs), long days of classes, and gross color schemes, that building accepted me. I was comfortable hiding out in the short stacks (until we were kicked out. So much sadness, I know), participating in all-day labs, skipping gym on lame half days before the holidays to go to a friend's art class... 

But here at BYU, there's a certain pressure to be selective about what you do, and with all the buildings specializing in different subjects, sometimes there's an uncomfortable feeling when you're in a building that is for a career you know you'll never want to go into. I feel a little bit strange using the vending machines in the McKay (education) building, I feel awkward wearing jeans in the RB (fitness), and I feel like my backpack is a little bit to big, my stride a little bit too long, and my scarf not quite fashionable enough in the HFAC (music). And the Tanner building (business)? Well, it's undefinable, but let's just say you won't find me hanging out in there.

Sometimes I feel like that green leaf. I mean, I'm still a leaf just
 like everyone else, but I'm different. Although I guess in this
 analogy it would look like I'm the one who needs to change to
become like everyone else. I'm now regretting being the green
leaf because, c'mon, who wouldn't want to be an awesome red leaf?

Why must I always make dumb metaphors? Why?

People say that they want to be a nonconformist, but a lot of that I have to outright reject. That's why marriage is attractive, because you get to know someone deeply and intimately, and he/she will know you in the same why (why marriage scares me...), but you can't gain that connection without some common interests and values. Certainly we shouldn't all be the same, but there's a reason why engineers are a little bit weirded out when they see people from humanities majors in the Clyde (engineering) building.

You really want to be that guy. Really.

It's interesting that I feel a little bit uncomfortable in these buildings. I'm actually quite involved in music, I'm physically active, and there's a decent possibility that I'll end up teaching (although let's not get ahead of ourselves). It's not like I'm uncomfortable with the subjects, I guess I just perceive the difference in the people; I see that what they want to do is not what I want to do. And on some fundamental level, it matters.

When I entered college, I wanted a challenge. I wanted to have classes that I feel completely inadequate in, so that I would know how to overcome that. Because although I wouldn't wish for anything less than excellent grades, I know that if I got something less than what I'm used to that it would mean a lot more to me than all the other grades, because you had better know that I worked my butt off for that seemingly disappointing grade. One of my favorite reddit posts (not that I can really say that, since I've only spent like 20 minutes on reddit, ever) gives advice to people entering college, although I really think it can apply to anyone. Part of the post says [talking about people who attend MIT], "students that are successful look at that challenge, wrestle with feelings of inadequacy and stupidity, and begin to take steps hiking that mountain, knowing that bruised pride is a small price to pay for getting to see the view from the top. They ask for help, they acknowledge their inadequacies. They don't blame their lack of intelligence, they blame their lack of motivation."

I always assumed that I'd find that challenge in my engineering classes, but maybe I won't. Maybe I have to face my feelings of inadequacy about being a musician, a runner (snicker snicker), a social person, and whatever else. Maybe that's what I have to do if I want to (metaphorically) climb some mountains. 

a bucket list of sorts

I like lists. I like them a lot. I also like goals.

But first, let me explain. You've most likely heard of The Bucket List, perhaps you've even made one. But maybe you haven't heard of Randy Pausch. He's a professor, was a professor rather, at CMU, a fantastic university with tartan as the school color (aka Carnegie Melon). One of my friends is going there actually. But anyway, he (Randy Pausch) only had a certain amount of time to live, and so he gave a last lecture, one on achieving childhood dreams. I usually don't post videos because somehow I have managed not to get addicted to YouTube or pinterest or Facebook (okay, well, that one might be different), although things like this tend to amuse (and distract) me.... Anyway, I know this video is especially long, but if you have time I'd recommend watching it.

Anyway, I agree with him in that setting goals and accomplishing them is important, but I don't think it's necessarily vital to fulfill childhood dreams. I honestly can't remember what I wanted to do when I was little, all I know is that I was surprised at where my life lead me in high school. So it's important to be flexible, and not so rigid in following goals that were made long before that opportunities are missed. And by that, I mean that whatever I aspired to do when I was little probably won't happen. Especially since I can't remember what I wanted to do. Whoops.

Okay. Now for the list. Here's a bucket list of sorts of what I want to do in college

• Go on an impromptu road trip
• Take an online class or take a class with independent study
• Meet the president of the university
• Attend general conference in the conference center
• Start a club
• Pull two all-nighters in one week
• Sleep in until at least 3PM
• Learn how to cook (left with no clear definition on purpose)
• Pull a prank (like this. Heh.)
• Explore all the buildings on campus
• Participate in research that is published
• Learn how to ski
• Make a crazy small budget and keep it for at least a month. What I mean by this is mostly referring to the idea of living off of $30 for food for a month or some similar experience, mostly just to see if I can do it. (Really, go look at that link. It's interesting.)
• Live like a missionary for a week (go to bed by 10, wake up by 6, no Facebook, etc.)
• Run a 5K
• Make a palindrome
• Climb a mountain
• Work as a TA/writings fellow
• Go out to lunch with a professor
• Stay up all night talking to someone
• Make the dean's list
• Backpack through Europe/Study abroad

And there's more. So many more.

school at long last

I've been putting off posting on here, because although so much has happened, I'm not really sure how I feel about everything yet, but I suppose close to 1am would be a good time for a blog post (college does crazy things to your sleep schedule).

Orientation last week was tons of fun, and I met lots of people (the majority of whom I don't remember names of now), but to be quite honest it was a little bit overwhelming, and it made me anxious because all of the things that will probably be routine for me in a month or so were foreign and unknown, and without classes starting I couldn't exactly determine where my favorite places to think/people watch/study and so forth were to be.

Classes started this past Monday, and I was really grateful for that. Nothing like classes starting to help you get in the swing of things. Other than the class change in between statistics and freshman writing (it's a mad house getting out of the JKB... Wednesday I was stuck trying to get out of the building for at least seven minutes, and then I had to move myself allllll the way across campus to the Maeser building. In three minutes. It didn't really work out. Perhaps I should have tested out Rachel's philosophy from The Poisonwood Bible; just stick out your elbows and float along with the crowd. Maybe I'm too short for that, I don't know.), I really like my schedule (although maybe not the fact that my organ class is at 8am. That is somewhat unfortunate). None of my classes seem like they are going to be terribly difficult, and I'm particularly excited for organic chemistry (which I'm sure you'd be able to tell from the way that my knee always bounces when I sit down for class, and how I haven't introduced myself to anyone, and how I take the most scrupulous notes in the history of man...) because my teacher is somewhat obsessed with fire, and we always have at least two demos (involving fire) every class period. Chemistry is so cool!

I've learned a lot this past week, at least from the college life perspective. I learned how to use the washers and dryers (they take foreverrrr), how to use my ID card, and what it can be used for, how to print stuff out, how to make friends (okay fine, still working on that), how to find my way around, how to use practice rooms for piano, how to check stuff out of the library... I of course had to find the science section and get the nerdiest books. I also bought some pretty nerdy books that were on sale at the bookstore, so I guess now is just the challenge to be able to find time to read all of them.

I don't know when I discovered that physics was super cool and became enamorated with it, but I really do enjoy reading books about the universe and so forth, although I wouldn't ever switch to become a physics major. Maybe I'll minor in astronomy...

waiting...

I've been thinking about creating a blog for a while now, but to use a bad chemistry metaphor, the activation energy for this project was too high to overcome without some enzyme assistance, aka the pressure of a clock ticking down the days until I go to college. There are only ten left. Days until I leave, that is.

To be quite honest, I haven't really thought through this whole my-life-is-going-to-drastically-change-really-soon thing in all that much detail. I know I'm going to take awesome classes and be far, far away from all the people I've been friends with all through high school, but I'm sure the reality of it will still come as a shock. Perhaps this summer has been a little too intense for inward inflection, between travelling, juggling Dunkin' Donuts and work for my dad and then finding time to hang out with friends for this last summer before college (which, I might add, is free of summer homework, hurrah!). Sometimes life just has to drag us along and hope we catch on eventually.

Paradoxically, despite all that I still have left to do, I feel like I did at the beginning of this summer - stuck between two stages of my life, where only time will remedy my straddling position. And thus I am left to wait, no longer a senior and not yet a freshman.