fighting fear

I think as humans we often tend to fear, and particularly fear the unknown. The future, the difficult, the unexpected and the unpreventable are all victims of our worry--and our fear. Anxiety can be good--if it motivates us to be better; however, often fear and self-doubt can lead to inaction, passively fighting against change. When this passive fight against change prevents necessary life progress from being made this seems to become somewhat counter intuitive, although sometimes I find myself falling into these traps as well. Shouldn't we be fearing more the consequences of our inaction than the consequences of our actions? Isn't the prospect of never getting a job worse than the thought of being rejected from various positions? Isn't the thought of just having to live without knowing enough to act as motivation? "It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed" (Theodore Roosevelt).

To me it's really amazing how much college changes things--I continually am presented with opportunities which I never imagined I'd be confronted with, let alone able to embrace. Most recently was my decision to travel to Nepal this summer for two weeks. A five day trek through the Himalayas. Sight-seeing in a foreign country--without my family. Over three days of flight time. I never would have imagined this, even just a month ago. But yet it's going to happen.

This is the view from Pool Hill (which I will be climbing this
summer) of some Himalayan peaks.

Am I scared? Of course. I hardly feel like I'm prepared in the most basic aspects, such as having a good backpack for trekking or broken in shoes, or being able to cover difficult terrain over extended periods of time, let alone feeling prepared for some of the tougher aspects. Dealing with a completely foreign culture, their people, and their language, and figuring out issues such as money, cold showers, etc. Handling international travel on my own and adjusting to time differences as well as altitude differences. Being without much modern technology which allows me to get in contact regularly with those I care about. Does it scare me? Yes, yes it does, but I can't--and I won't--let my fear talk me out of this great opportunity.

I have never been a procrastinator, and I won't put off foreign travel right now just because maybe I'm young, or maybe I should earn a little bit more money. To me it all comes down to the fact that I have no idea if I will ever be able to go to Nepal again. I might never have a chance to come across the great majesty of the Himalayas again. So I will put aside my fear and embrace the moment.

Quite simply, I am going to go.

phobic

This is the third time I've tried to start writing this post. And I don't think it's because it's early in the morning already (and I haven't gone to bed yet), although that might contribute, but it's more because I don't even know how to talk about guys. Because I (almost) never do.

Let me start out by saying that I'm not phobic to guys. Over 80% of the people in my major are guys. One of my closest friends is of the gender in question. And a lot of the friends I've made here at college are also of that gender. In fact, I often get along with guys better, just because there tend to be a lot more guys who are scientifically minded and can relate to me when I make awkward nerd jokes or talk about optimizing my path home. Although like my physics teacher said about guys in engineering/math/science fields, "the odds are good but the goods are odd."

Dude. She's not even touching you.

I'm not phobic to guys. I'm phobic to relationships. Ever since my sister became engaged, I've been a little bit wary of relationships. Which is not to say that I had any reason to be, since it's not like I've been asked out on a whole lot of dates, but still, there lies in the back of my head that nagging fear, telling me that if I ever start to date someone, it's going to get serious, and they I'm going to get married. And I don't want to get married. Not yet anyway. I'm too attached to having every aspect of my life exactly the way I want it. Also I like being alone too much.

But even more than relationships, I'm afraid of meeting someone who will change my mind. Call me crazy, but it could happen, and at BYU it happens all the time. That's what happened to my sister after all.

Speaking of my sister, a friend and I decorated the car of my sister and her husband at long last! We were going to do it on their wedding day, but then there were various obstacles to be overcome. Well, mainly lack of window paint. Let me tell you this, window paint has a tough time when it's cold outside. Balloons, streamers, window paint... the whole shebang. And the best part? Googly eyes on magnets. Hah. Best idea ever. (Can't remember if that was my idea or not, but I will gladly take credit.)

my fears

There is always some part of me that is afraid: afraid that my actions right now aren't good enough and that I'll regret them later. It's not that I'm making obviously poor choices; it's more subtle than that, but there's always the part of me that tells me that I can be better than I am, and that I should be trying harder to be that person. I'm afraid that I'm not living my life in the best way possible, I'm afraid that one day I'll look back and think about who I could have become but didn't. Part of me is afraid that I'm not good enough now to get into my dream school, MIT, for grad school, and then another part of me, perhaps a larger part, is afraid that when the time comes that that won't be what I want anymore. It scares me how little control I have over my life. I want to take my life by the horns, but yet I'm forced to live life one day at a time, just like everybody else.

And perhaps that's what makes life difficult: the fact that we do have to go by life one day at a time. It's easy to make big plans, but actually following through on those plans... that's difficult. It happens to me all the time with homework, especially the homework with a due date far in the future (i.e. summer homework... which I didn't have this summer!). I'll make big plans to do it, and I'll even start it, but then I'll feel overwhelmed, and I'll give up, or at least for that day. But in order to be successful you have to be persistent  I read this book over the summer, and I would highly recommend it. It's called The Drunkard's Walk: How Randomness Rules Our Everyday Lives, and like the title might imply, it's about randomness. The book talked a lot about how just mere talent does not guarantee success: authors we now praise often only became renown after many attempts at having their books published, and popular movies likely have an equally good counterpart movie that was never produced because the idea was shot down.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going upstream, and all of the fish
are giving me really strange looks

Although I certainly have my share of imperfections, I can't let my fears rule my life. I need to decide now that I am going to act. Not tomorrow, today. I will change today. I will stop wasting time, I will stop going to bed too late (actually can't do that today... already past midnight. Whoops. But oh hey that means I can go to bed earlier today!), I will try harder to have a social life. I will be better, and I will start today.