sing out loud

Before college, I didn't sing. Ever. Except for in church. But really, everyone in my family had their own specialty area of sorts, and we all stuck to those areas. Me, I played piano. And I certainly got told to stop playing just as much as my sisters got told to stop whistling or stop singing.

But here, I can't just play the piano for fun. What I mean by that is although playing the piano is still enjoyable, I can't play recreationally like I used to be able to do since I have go somewhere to practice. And even then sometimes I can't practice because all of the practice rooms are used up. I can't play while my cookies are in the oven; I can't play when Sunday dinner is being made. I miss it quite a bit really. My family is going to have to put up with me playing piano all the time when I come back over break.

I miss that piano. All the pianos here are slightly
out of tune and a little bit too stiff. And the soft
pedal does weird things to the keys.

Now instead of playing the piano I sing. (No one is supposed to know though, so keep it on the down-low, 'kay?) Sometimes it's just in my head. More often, it's out loud. Usually I'll try to avoid singing out loud when there are people around, but when I walk home at night generally there's not a lot of people around so I'll sing. I can't say that I'm any good. I can't even say that I know all the words to the songs I sing. Half the time I make them up. But that's okay. I don't know what it is about singing, but it makes me happy.

When I sing I don't have to worry about people judging me, because no one's around. When I sing I don't have to care about the tests I have to take soon, or the project I need to finish. When I'm singing I have courage to be myself, to be happy.

I'm a very precise person; I don't like doing things unless I know I can do them, and do them well. Or at least know that I can figure out how to do them well. I'm a person who will take forever in deciding to join a club or to take a particular class, because I want to know for sure that it's something I want to do, and am going to be able to do to the best of my ability. I haven't ever dropped a class or quit a club and I don't ever want to. It's not that I expect to be the best at everything I do--I certainly was no track hero--but I want to be committed at the very least.

With that in mind, for me singing is a little bit odd. I certainly don't plan on pursuing singing by taking vocal classes or joining a chorus. It's not like I'm a good singer now. So why sing?

It's because, I think, I've changed some. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be committed; however, I think that mindset made me afraid to try things in high school that I might make me look silly. Like singing. But now, even if someone does hear me singing and I don't remember the words at all and I don't sound great... well, that's okay. Maybe that will give them the courage to sing out loud too. (Or maybe it'll just give them something to laugh about back at home...)

definitions

Something that I have decided is that the difference between children and adults is definitions. That's because children see the world with endless possibility: cake, flowers, toes... they can be whatever is convenient. The purpose of different items is left for the user to define. So cake can be eaten, yes, but it can be more. It can be hair conditioner (that takes hard work to wash out). It can be something to throw. It can be something to squeeze, touch, and smear everywhere.

With time, cake (and everything else) looses that capacity. Definitions are given, and it is expected that those definitions will be followed with the utmost precision. Cake is not seen as a projectile or as the newest hand lotion. It's seen as the product of a lot of hard work and effort. It's viewed as a delicious desert to be eaten. And cake is defined that way because from experience people know that's the way that is not only socially acceptable, but also the most enjoyable. Because as fun as it is to throw cake around, the consequences of doing so are not as enjoyable as a stomach full of cake.

Want some cake? Because I think there will
be leftovers...

But I think the definitions that separate children from adults go beyond function. I mean, Max already knew at the age of one that the cup was to drink out of, and throwing it on the floor meant no more drink. Not only is the vocabulary of an adult much more expansive than a child's vocabulary, but it also has more depth. With experience abstract ideas such as love, suffering, beauty, etc., gain meaning and different nuanced connotations. Words that used to be synonyms--beautiful and pretty, look and see, enjoy and appreciate--no longer are the same. Those words take on new meaning, and a new perspective is gained. 

Words with such strict, narrow meanings may seem limiting when babies don't even have to worry about words--or what they mean. But yet, these definitions can open new doors, allow for new possibilities. This structure invites a new sort of freedom that children don't have. The best jazz musicians know that without a knowledge of the structure of music, good improvisation would be impossible to obtain. Writers and story tellers all know that words--and their definitions--are essential to making people want to listen/read. And some of the happiest people will agree that their happiness is in part dependent upon the structure that exists in their lives.

As much as I love definitions, sometimes I wish that they could just be thrown out the window. And sometimes I do throw them out the window. Because who's to say that my blanket can't be used as an awesome cape while I pretend that I'm an airplane? And who's to say that the breath coming out of my mouth on a cold day is really just condensing water, not really awesome magic fairy dust or dragon fire? Even with age our minds are not lost: we still have the capacity to think however we want no matter what. 

Which is fantastic. I am a nonconformist of the mind. My thoughts are like no other. Don't know if that's a good thing though.

holidays are wonderful

See how productive I was this weekend? Although I made those before break. But still. Really most of the credit should go to the sunset though. Just want to say that I'm so direction oriented out here! Which is a little bit strange, because I back home I don't think I could tell you which way was west/north/etc. (I'm sure I could now though because I'm more aware of which way the sun moves in the sky). Anyway, I guess you can tell that the living room/kitchen windows face west (because let's be realistic, I'm not going to wake up early over break. Actually tried to, and ended up sleeping until ten...)

I wish snow could stay like this: beautiful but without the
harsh realities of its coldness. Not really a huge fan of my
runny nose and my numb fingers...

I really was surprisingly productive this weekend though. I won't bore you with everything that I accomplished, but I'm proud of myself. My homework is done, as well as some other things that I wanted to do. And I have gotten at least ten hours of sleep every night this week (except for Sunday night I think...). What a glorious feeling.

So I put a blocker on Chrome that only allows me to visit certain sites for a certain amount each day. I can't say that it's been very effective because I started using Torch instead of Chrome, but one time when I was changing the time limit the site scolded me and gave me this site to look at. If you're reading this, I have a distinct feeling that you might be procrastinating, so hey, procrastinate a little longer and read that article, and it might even inspire you to change your ways! I'm not promising anything though.

I can't believe that I essentially only have one more day of freedom and then I'm back in real life where I have to wake up in the morning, even if that means I only get six hours of sleep that night. Where I have to go to school, write papers, take tests (ugh, one last midterm this week). And where I have to start studying for finals. I am absolutely dreading my stats final because I have used Excel for just about every homework assignment we've had so far. ...And that's the way that the professor told us to do them.

I'm not counting down or anything, but nine school days and four days of finals left. 18 days until I get to see my family. 20 days until my sister gets married. 21 days until I get to go home. I am so excited. So, so very excited.

on happiness

So it's almost two in the morning on Thanksgiving day, and I'm sitting here at my kitchen table, completely alone, listening to Piano Guys (used to be listening to Christmas music but then everything started repeating...) on Pandora and working on my stats project. Wow, you say. Go to bed, and don't do homework anymore on Thanksgiving. Great advice, I appreciate it. Really.

But I'm not really that tired, and if I don't do some homework right now it's all going to pile up and the rest of my week is going to be miserable. Besides, I don't really consider it to be the next day until after I go to bed. Today (technically yesterday now) I slept in until two anyway, so it's not like I really need to go to bed right away. But look what I made! The cookies are chocolate with mint chips, and then Thanksgiving rolls, which are my favorite part of Thanksgiving dinner!

I am so culinary.

Even though I wish I could be home this Thanksgiving with my family and all my NJ friends, I have lot to be thankful for, as I'm sure you do as well. I've been thinking about being thankful, and being happy, for the past couple of days, and I've decided that the two are essentially the same. You can't be thankful for something while experiencing negative emotions like anger or envy. And if you're happy, then you ought to be thankful at least for the fact that you have a reason to be happy

Lately I've been watching a lot of Ted talks. I'm sure you've heard of them, and probably seen a couple too. They're better than the usual stuff that I watch on Netflix. Anyway, I got listening to a bunch of ones that talk about happiness, and here are some interesting points that were made:

1. The more choices you have, the more difficult it is to create your own happiness.
2. Happiness is an emotion of choice, not of circumstance. (Only 10% of your happiness can be determined from your external circumstances, the other 90% is determined by you.)
3. People are happier when they focus on the present (the task at hand) instead of letting their minds wander.
4. Happiness is more accurately is defined as a state of well-being; it is not just a fleeting emotion.

Ways to be happier:

1. Think of what you're grateful for.
2. Journal.
3. Exercise.
4. Meditate.
5. Perform random acts of kindness. (If you want to buy your happiness, here's how)

Notice that success isn't in that list; one of the people said the reason why success doesn't make us happy like we expect it to is because when we do achieve our goals, we redefine our definition of success, so we're continually striving to be better, never reaching "success"--or happiness. (For example, if you say you want good grades, all A's and B's, then once you get those grades you might readjust and say those aren't good enough. I want just A's. And so forth.) 

I hope that you finds lots of reasons to be thankful--and happy--this Thanksgiving.

I just don't fit in

In high school, I felt comfortable pretty much anywhere, anytime, except for I'd guess dances and the guys locker room (never went to either, except for an undance for cinco de mayo that people only went to for the extra credit, let's be honest). I was friendly with teachers from all the departments, I participated in sports for two years, I loved band... As much as I try to have harsh feelings towards that ugly brick building with weird Lenapedes (multi-legged bugs), long days of classes, and gross color schemes, that building accepted me. I was comfortable hiding out in the short stacks (until we were kicked out. So much sadness, I know), participating in all-day labs, skipping gym on lame half days before the holidays to go to a friend's art class... 

But here at BYU, there's a certain pressure to be selective about what you do, and with all the buildings specializing in different subjects, sometimes there's an uncomfortable feeling when you're in a building that is for a career you know you'll never want to go into. I feel a little bit strange using the vending machines in the McKay (education) building, I feel awkward wearing jeans in the RB (fitness), and I feel like my backpack is a little bit to big, my stride a little bit too long, and my scarf not quite fashionable enough in the HFAC (music). And the Tanner building (business)? Well, it's undefinable, but let's just say you won't find me hanging out in there.

Sometimes I feel like that green leaf. I mean, I'm still a leaf just
 like everyone else, but I'm different. Although I guess in this
 analogy it would look like I'm the one who needs to change to
become like everyone else. I'm now regretting being the green
leaf because, c'mon, who wouldn't want to be an awesome red leaf?

Why must I always make dumb metaphors? Why?

People say that they want to be a nonconformist, but a lot of that I have to outright reject. That's why marriage is attractive, because you get to know someone deeply and intimately, and he/she will know you in the same why (why marriage scares me...), but you can't gain that connection without some common interests and values. Certainly we shouldn't all be the same, but there's a reason why engineers are a little bit weirded out when they see people from humanities majors in the Clyde (engineering) building.

You really want to be that guy. Really.

It's interesting that I feel a little bit uncomfortable in these buildings. I'm actually quite involved in music, I'm physically active, and there's a decent possibility that I'll end up teaching (although let's not get ahead of ourselves). It's not like I'm uncomfortable with the subjects, I guess I just perceive the difference in the people; I see that what they want to do is not what I want to do. And on some fundamental level, it matters.

When I entered college, I wanted a challenge. I wanted to have classes that I feel completely inadequate in, so that I would know how to overcome that. Because although I wouldn't wish for anything less than excellent grades, I know that if I got something less than what I'm used to that it would mean a lot more to me than all the other grades, because you had better know that I worked my butt off for that seemingly disappointing grade. One of my favorite reddit posts (not that I can really say that, since I've only spent like 20 minutes on reddit, ever) gives advice to people entering college, although I really think it can apply to anyone. Part of the post says [talking about people who attend MIT], "students that are successful look at that challenge, wrestle with feelings of inadequacy and stupidity, and begin to take steps hiking that mountain, knowing that bruised pride is a small price to pay for getting to see the view from the top. They ask for help, they acknowledge their inadequacies. They don't blame their lack of intelligence, they blame their lack of motivation."

I always assumed that I'd find that challenge in my engineering classes, but maybe I won't. Maybe I have to face my feelings of inadequacy about being a musician, a runner (snicker snicker), a social person, and whatever else. Maybe that's what I have to do if I want to (metaphorically) climb some mountains. 

my double rainbow

Since my older sister is getting married in a little less than a month, I figured I should get my (gasp!) bridesmaid dress. The only requirement? Grey and knee length. Not too bad, right? That's what I thought too, but it turns out grey dresses (that aren't extremely expensive, fit me, and are a decent length) are terribly hard to find.

Today I went to the University Mall, and went to every single store (with women's clothing, at least 15, I swear) looking for that dress. I looked through every dress rack, tried on every grey dress I could find (even some that looked like they were grey but I think they were really navy...) and was about to give up after about three hours of searching. With maybe two or three clothing stores left, I gave American Eagle a try, and, low and behold, there was my dress! I almost didn't try it on; the tag had a size larger than what I generally wore, and the price was more than what I wanted to pay. But, looking up, I saw a clearance sign, 40% off! Luckily, I did try it on, and not only did it fit, but it also only cost about half the price I thought it was going to be, even with clearance.

That's more or less how I will look wearing it...

So, things were shaping up, and I was optimistic even though it was late afternoon, and I was hungry and in need of a bathroom stop. Then I step outside, ready for the long journey home. And it's pouring. Undeterred, I pull out my umbrella. But still, I have two miles to trek home, and the wind is blowing  right towards my so me umbrella is not really all that effective. I walk along, desperately hoping some kind (and not at all creepy) soul will offer me a ride. No such luck.

I'm slogging along in my now wet shoes and I happen to glance up and see the sun shining through the rain. Oh hey, say I (not out loud of course), a monkey's uncle! and then I continue on (I don't care what other people say, but a monkey's uncle is when it's raining and the sun is shining). But then, a couple of minutes later, I happen to glance up again, and see a double rainbow. Full over the sky too! I may or may not have burst out into song about then...

So. Much. Physics. I love it.
(Just want to clarify and say that that's not the rainbow I saw.
Random picture off the web. You know.)

I don't know if you've ever seen a double rainbow, but they are about the best thing ever. If you have, you may have noticed that it's darker in between the two bows, and lighter underneath, and that the second bow is opposite, as in red on the inside band, and blue/violet is on the outside. Walter Lewin gives a whole lecture on it! He's my hero. You might enjoy rainbows right now, but I guarantee that you'll appreciate them that much more if you watch this lecture. 

finding energy

I feel like I'm not doing enough; that I'm just going through the motions and not going anywhere. Before I went to college what I wanted to do in general was pretty clear, but now I'm stuck up on all the nit-picky things and I don't know what specifically is best for me right now, and what the best ways for me to spend my time are. I want to join clubs, to find an internship, to do all of these things that I know I'll enjoy and be glad I did later, but I can't seem to be able to overcome that energy barrier of starting, of taking the time to look for internships and fill out the applications; to find out what clubs there are and figure out how to join, etc., etc.

But this is not just a concerted reaction (aka it happens all in one step), where once I overcome that initial energy barrier it's all downhill, I continually have to input energy to do the things that I think will be worthwhile, and so I don't think I can say that I've done all I've wanted to so far this year.

Probably have been doing too much chemistry lately...

I guess what I'm saying, is that lately I've been having a tough time motivating myself to do everything I need to do, and then everything I want to do. And then, sometimes, I'm simply not even sure what I do want.

BUT, on a bright side, tomorrow is Friday, and then the next week is Thanksgiving! I am so excited to have some time off of school. Other than weekends the last day off from school was Memorial day. Needless to say, I think I could benefit from a break.

all I want for Christmas

I need to visit Australia. ASAP.

I found this picture on Astronomy Picture of the Day. I honestly can't understand how this picture cannot inspire awe. Science is beautiful, even when it's not understood. Just looking at the picture you can see a moon bow, a plane (lame, I know. It's the horizontal streak in the middle), a meteor (the vertical streak), and a band of the milky way. And that's just such a small part of the wonders this universe holds. 

Thierry Legault: Meteor and Moonbow over Wallaman Falls

I would gladly give up the conveniences of the suburbs to live in the country if there were night skies like this. Right now I live in a city, and while the mountains certainly are beautiful and I love having extended family and grocery stores nearby, I wish it was easier to see the night sky. I absolutely love the stars, for the physics I do know about them, and for the mystery that they will appear, all extended in front of my wondering eyes on a clear night.

National Geographic: Our Vanishing Night

Call me whatever you will for putting yet another picture of the night sky up, but I just can't help it. Sometimes the harsh, bright lights that are lit at night make me feel stifled, and I need the stars to reassure me that the universe is going to continue on in its course without me, and to encourage me to take charge of the things that I do have control over in my life. I need the stars to force me to take a break from my normal routines and just lie down in humble awe.

Although the sky is available to all, how many of us can truthfully say that we have experienced the full extent of the grandeur of the night sky?

I'll put that on my bucket list.

run from the rapist

Saturday I decided to start running, and since I found a beautiful path along the Provo River, I decided to go running yesterday morning... at 5:30 am. Somehow I managed to will myself out of bed and go running, even though it was only for about 15 minutes. Despite day light savings time it was pitch black outside, and I can understand why there were no cars on the road. I was grateful for the lights on the path, because otherwise I would be seriously concerned for my safety (and have to go back to my apartment to get my rape whistle... thanks BYU). I was pretty impressed with myself since I not only got up but also ran the whole time, even if I did pass out (not literally this time) on the couch afterwards.

But I guess I was inwardly revolting against my ideas to be active, to reach my step count before 11:59 PM (for the step study I'm participating in). Because this morning I didn't go. When my alarm went off, this time at 6:30, my subconscious turned it off for a "really good reason." Drifting out of sleep again at 7:06, I couldn't remember what the reason was, but it was enough to convince me to reset my alarm for 7:50 and go back to sleep.

The reason? I dreamed last night that it had snowed and my subconscious self reasoned that snow was a good enough reason to keep me from running.

There is no snow. Today is gorgeous.

My subconscious is so lazy.

a bucket list of sorts

I like lists. I like them a lot. I also like goals.

But first, let me explain. You've most likely heard of The Bucket List, perhaps you've even made one. But maybe you haven't heard of Randy Pausch. He's a professor, was a professor rather, at CMU, a fantastic university with tartan as the school color (aka Carnegie Melon). One of my friends is going there actually. But anyway, he (Randy Pausch) only had a certain amount of time to live, and so he gave a last lecture, one on achieving childhood dreams. I usually don't post videos because somehow I have managed not to get addicted to YouTube or pinterest or Facebook (okay, well, that one might be different), although things like this tend to amuse (and distract) me.... Anyway, I know this video is especially long, but if you have time I'd recommend watching it.

Anyway, I agree with him in that setting goals and accomplishing them is important, but I don't think it's necessarily vital to fulfill childhood dreams. I honestly can't remember what I wanted to do when I was little, all I know is that I was surprised at where my life lead me in high school. So it's important to be flexible, and not so rigid in following goals that were made long before that opportunities are missed. And by that, I mean that whatever I aspired to do when I was little probably won't happen. Especially since I can't remember what I wanted to do. Whoops.

Okay. Now for the list. Here's a bucket list of sorts of what I want to do in college

• Go on an impromptu road trip
• Take an online class or take a class with independent study
• Meet the president of the university
• Attend general conference in the conference center
• Start a club
• Pull two all-nighters in one week
• Sleep in until at least 3PM
• Learn how to cook (left with no clear definition on purpose)
• Pull a prank (like this. Heh.)
• Explore all the buildings on campus
• Participate in research that is published
• Learn how to ski
• Make a crazy small budget and keep it for at least a month. What I mean by this is mostly referring to the idea of living off of $30 for food for a month or some similar experience, mostly just to see if I can do it. (Really, go look at that link. It's interesting.)
• Live like a missionary for a week (go to bed by 10, wake up by 6, no Facebook, etc.)
• Run a 5K
• Make a palindrome
• Climb a mountain
• Work as a TA/writings fellow
• Go out to lunch with a professor
• Stay up all night talking to someone
• Make the dean's list
• Backpack through Europe/Study abroad

And there's more. So many more.