sing out loud

Before college, I didn't sing. Ever. Except for in church. But really, everyone in my family had their own specialty area of sorts, and we all stuck to those areas. Me, I played piano. And I certainly got told to stop playing just as much as my sisters got told to stop whistling or stop singing.

But here, I can't just play the piano for fun. What I mean by that is although playing the piano is still enjoyable, I can't play recreationally like I used to be able to do since I have go somewhere to practice. And even then sometimes I can't practice because all of the practice rooms are used up. I can't play while my cookies are in the oven; I can't play when Sunday dinner is being made. I miss it quite a bit really. My family is going to have to put up with me playing piano all the time when I come back over break.

I miss that piano. All the pianos here are slightly
out of tune and a little bit too stiff. And the soft
pedal does weird things to the keys.

Now instead of playing the piano I sing. (No one is supposed to know though, so keep it on the down-low, 'kay?) Sometimes it's just in my head. More often, it's out loud. Usually I'll try to avoid singing out loud when there are people around, but when I walk home at night generally there's not a lot of people around so I'll sing. I can't say that I'm any good. I can't even say that I know all the words to the songs I sing. Half the time I make them up. But that's okay. I don't know what it is about singing, but it makes me happy.

When I sing I don't have to worry about people judging me, because no one's around. When I sing I don't have to care about the tests I have to take soon, or the project I need to finish. When I'm singing I have courage to be myself, to be happy.

I'm a very precise person; I don't like doing things unless I know I can do them, and do them well. Or at least know that I can figure out how to do them well. I'm a person who will take forever in deciding to join a club or to take a particular class, because I want to know for sure that it's something I want to do, and am going to be able to do to the best of my ability. I haven't ever dropped a class or quit a club and I don't ever want to. It's not that I expect to be the best at everything I do--I certainly was no track hero--but I want to be committed at the very least.

With that in mind, for me singing is a little bit odd. I certainly don't plan on pursuing singing by taking vocal classes or joining a chorus. It's not like I'm a good singer now. So why sing?

It's because, I think, I've changed some. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be committed; however, I think that mindset made me afraid to try things in high school that I might make me look silly. Like singing. But now, even if someone does hear me singing and I don't remember the words at all and I don't sound great... well, that's okay. Maybe that will give them the courage to sing out loud too. (Or maybe it'll just give them something to laugh about back at home...)