if only every day could be like this...

Hah. So this weekend I was going to write a post about how this semester I'm too busy with school stuff that I forget how to be social during the weekends which is dumb. Sometimes people--and relationships--are absolutely an enigma to me, and I'm utterly perplexed as to how to go about unraveling them. Which is why I sometimes prefer school work, because I know how to go about solving math and chemistry problems.

But I can't really rant right now because I'm obnoxiously happy. Ahhhh. First, it's Monday, which means that I'm done with class at 3, which I know doesn't sound all that early, but it is for me. It seemed almost strange to be walking home when it was still daylight out. Anyway, here's what I came back to:

My mom is so talented!

This was supposed to be a graduation present, but I almost love it more because getting it now means getting a giant box in the mail. Which honestly is the best. Also bubble wrap. How can I say no?

And guess what else? Rhetorical question, by the way. Although most people just say "what?!" which isn't even a guess as to what happened. But minor details. This summer I'm going on a study abroad trip to Scotland and Ireland! So excited. I really just want to go explore all of the castles...

I'm not exactly a romantic, but how can you not fall in love
with that?

I'm so glad I finally know what I'm doing with my summer now. Pshhh, internships, you can wait. I'm really excited that I'll get to go home too; I just love my family so much. And hopefully I'll get to hike some of the Appalachian trail with them (them referring to the older people in my family).

Man, I just want to look at pictures of castles all day and never do homework. But tomorrow I have a test, a lab report due, math homework to do, an art quiz, research to work on, and so much more... Must get back to reality.

But just as sort of a side note I suppose, the graduate student that I'm working with on research just sent me the draft of his abstract, and almost all of it directly deals with the project I'm working with right now; I feel so important! My project this semester is really interesting, but I think I'll hold back on explaining it here... 

phobic

This is the third time I've tried to start writing this post. And I don't think it's because it's early in the morning already (and I haven't gone to bed yet), although that might contribute, but it's more because I don't even know how to talk about guys. Because I (almost) never do.

Let me start out by saying that I'm not phobic to guys. Over 80% of the people in my major are guys. One of my closest friends is of the gender in question. And a lot of the friends I've made here at college are also of that gender. In fact, I often get along with guys better, just because there tend to be a lot more guys who are scientifically minded and can relate to me when I make awkward nerd jokes or talk about optimizing my path home. Although like my physics teacher said about guys in engineering/math/science fields, "the odds are good but the goods are odd."

Dude. She's not even touching you.

I'm not phobic to guys. I'm phobic to relationships. Ever since my sister became engaged, I've been a little bit wary of relationships. Which is not to say that I had any reason to be, since it's not like I've been asked out on a whole lot of dates, but still, there lies in the back of my head that nagging fear, telling me that if I ever start to date someone, it's going to get serious, and they I'm going to get married. And I don't want to get married. Not yet anyway. I'm too attached to having every aspect of my life exactly the way I want it. Also I like being alone too much.

But even more than relationships, I'm afraid of meeting someone who will change my mind. Call me crazy, but it could happen, and at BYU it happens all the time. That's what happened to my sister after all.

Speaking of my sister, a friend and I decorated the car of my sister and her husband at long last! We were going to do it on their wedding day, but then there were various obstacles to be overcome. Well, mainly lack of window paint. Let me tell you this, window paint has a tough time when it's cold outside. Balloons, streamers, window paint... the whole shebang. And the best part? Googly eyes on magnets. Hah. Best idea ever. (Can't remember if that was my idea or not, but I will gladly take credit.)

a year in retrospect

Over break I went back to Lenape, and in some ways, it hardly seemed like things had changed from last year. Okay, so I didn't generally receive as many hugs in high school as I did that day visiting, but sitting next to one of my best friends it seemed possible that it was only last Friday that we were sitting together for lunch, drawing random pictures, and searching for the turtle animal crackers. (Because they're the best.) But it has been a whole year.

There are just a few of the cookies that I made for my sister's
wedding. And yes, I know that I am a fantastic photographer.
The angle was purposeful. (Maybe.)

Despite all the changes in my life, the winter break was for the most part the same. Dad losing at Monopoly (okay, he won... once), pigs in the blanket on Christmas eve, Christmas cards hung up on string in the living room... All of my family traditions brought the year full circle.

Although I try not to limit goal setting and reflection about how far I've come to this time of year, I think that it is suiting to think about the changes this past year brought to me--and about the changes this new year will bring.

This past year...

• I learned that, despite what I was taught in high school (sorry Newton), physics is amazing. The universe is incredibly complex and the mystery of how everything ties together continues to intrigue me. Speaking of which, I just bought a new book about physics! (Okay, so it was this year not last, but minor details...).

It has all these recreational experiments that I'm excited to try out.
One of them's boiling water in snow! (Although obviously
that's chemistry, not physics.... duh.)

• I graduated from high school! Woot! Also started going to college (gasp!) and started my own blog.
• Traveled to Europe for the second time ever, the first time that I can ever remember. Let's just say that the Mona Lisa is a bit of a disappointment, but the Eiffel tower...? Oh man.

Almost fit it into my backpack.
Almost, but not quite.

• I went through three jobs: Dunkin' Donuts, rame-hart instrument co., and now the research lab.
• I watched my sister get married to her best friend. (There was a point where I thought that person was me, but alas. There's no time to be sore about that now.)

See, I'm super strong!

• I applied for internships! Oh wait, I was going to, but then I didn't get to that until... oh, about four hours ago. 
• I learned to appreciate a crunchy leaf to a new extent. (Also recently discovered that snow is just as satisfyingly crunchy, and the chances of getting a good crunch out of snow are much higher than finding a non-soggy leaf to crunch. Just so you know.)
• I learned how to play the organ! Formally, anyway.
• Somehow managed to attend college and not become poor. 

I can't say that a whole lot has changed now that it's 2013, but hopefully some new (good) changes will come this year. I'm really excited for this new semester; I'm taking 10 classes which I know sounds like a lot, but most of them are easier classes. Like scuba diving! Words cannot express to you how excited I am for that class. 

So I'm guessing that this semester will be a little bit more challenging than last (obviously because of that really tough scuba diving class...), but hopefully I'll still have time to post here, bake cookies, sleep sufficiently... and get an internship this summer! I almost didn't apply to any because the lazy part of me told me it would be fine to work another summer at Dunkin' Donuts, but then I did anyway and I'm really glad I did. Although I still have five or so more places I want to apply to. 

As for some resolutions...

• Be more open to people and new ideas.
• Read more frequently.
• Spend less time distracted.

A perfect example of me being distracted.
My apologies for making you see that.
Also sorry for the weird effects. I couldn't figure out how to
change them.

• Go to bed earlier (great, already breaking that one... it's 1am right now), and don't fight waking up in the morning.
• Learn how to make some real food. (Enough noodles, seriously.)

finals crazy

So this finals week has been crazy in a lot of ways... and in a lot of ways I don't think I necessarily expected it to be. 

I'm just going to start from the beginning. At 5:16am on Monday morning I woke up, bundled up, and headed to the temple. About 8:30 I was back at my apartment, and by 9:47 I was trudging through the snow with my fire cupcakes (unfortunately I didn't think to take pictures) for my writing final. Because the final was a presentation, and mine was about fire. It's totally related. 

Anyways. So I get to campus, practice my writing presentation, head over to my writing final and only slightly freak out that I'm in the wrong place or showing up at the wrong time (showing up a half an hour early will do that to you), only to be saved by my classmates who 1. showed up in the same place as me. Hurrah! and 2. were kind enough to lend me a thumb drive to put my powerpoint on because mine broke...

After the final, there were still a lot of cupcakes left over, especially between my cupcakes and this other girl's. So, she had the brilliant idea of going to the testing center and handing them out! She had to go back to her dorm, but I went over and gave people cupcakes! I was kind of surprised how many people said they didn't want one, but hey. Free choice. It made me really happy though, because I know how I would feel if someone gave me a free cupcake on the terrible week with tons of tests. I like to think that may have initiated something of a trickle down effect, where because I did this one nice thing others will be inspired to pass that kind act along to others. If not, it was still worth it. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm still three years old. But really,
trampoline man is really awesome and I promise
 he will bring you lots of happiness.

So on Tuesday (yesterday) I had a 7am final, so I set my alarm and put it on my desk so I'll be forced to get out of bed to turn it off and thus will wake up. False. Completely false. I wake up at 9:06 in the am and freak out when I see that there's sun pouring through the blinds... because that's not supposed to happen at 5:30 in the morning. At 9:09am I'm out the door and rushing to campus to take my final that began over two hours ago. Luckily, my professor had mercy, and I was able to take my organ final (which ended up being fairly short so I didn't have to feel too stressed about time) and pass off my repertoire piece (Bach's Fugue in G!).

Then after taking my physics test, I headed home and pretty much from 3:30pm to 12:34am I studied for my stats final, with maybe two hours of break time. And I'm really glad I did because I'm sure if I didn't go through practice problems and all that good stuff I would probably still be taking that final right now, trying to figure out what the formulas mean. This final was at 7am too, and I woke up for it! And ended up being twenty minutes early too. Miraculous.

How cute are they! I am so excited.

Well, it's Wednesday now, which means that I only have two finals left, one this afternoon and one tomorrow, and then tomorrow afternoon I get to see my family! They're all coming out here for my sister's wedding and I am super excited to see them.

sing out loud

Before college, I didn't sing. Ever. Except for in church. But really, everyone in my family had their own specialty area of sorts, and we all stuck to those areas. Me, I played piano. And I certainly got told to stop playing just as much as my sisters got told to stop whistling or stop singing.

But here, I can't just play the piano for fun. What I mean by that is although playing the piano is still enjoyable, I can't play recreationally like I used to be able to do since I have go somewhere to practice. And even then sometimes I can't practice because all of the practice rooms are used up. I can't play while my cookies are in the oven; I can't play when Sunday dinner is being made. I miss it quite a bit really. My family is going to have to put up with me playing piano all the time when I come back over break.

I miss that piano. All the pianos here are slightly
out of tune and a little bit too stiff. And the soft
pedal does weird things to the keys.

Now instead of playing the piano I sing. (No one is supposed to know though, so keep it on the down-low, 'kay?) Sometimes it's just in my head. More often, it's out loud. Usually I'll try to avoid singing out loud when there are people around, but when I walk home at night generally there's not a lot of people around so I'll sing. I can't say that I'm any good. I can't even say that I know all the words to the songs I sing. Half the time I make them up. But that's okay. I don't know what it is about singing, but it makes me happy.

When I sing I don't have to worry about people judging me, because no one's around. When I sing I don't have to care about the tests I have to take soon, or the project I need to finish. When I'm singing I have courage to be myself, to be happy.

I'm a very precise person; I don't like doing things unless I know I can do them, and do them well. Or at least know that I can figure out how to do them well. I'm a person who will take forever in deciding to join a club or to take a particular class, because I want to know for sure that it's something I want to do, and am going to be able to do to the best of my ability. I haven't ever dropped a class or quit a club and I don't ever want to. It's not that I expect to be the best at everything I do--I certainly was no track hero--but I want to be committed at the very least.

With that in mind, for me singing is a little bit odd. I certainly don't plan on pursuing singing by taking vocal classes or joining a chorus. It's not like I'm a good singer now. So why sing?

It's because, I think, I've changed some. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be committed; however, I think that mindset made me afraid to try things in high school that I might make me look silly. Like singing. But now, even if someone does hear me singing and I don't remember the words at all and I don't sound great... well, that's okay. Maybe that will give them the courage to sing out loud too. (Or maybe it'll just give them something to laugh about back at home...)

definitions

Something that I have decided is that the difference between children and adults is definitions. That's because children see the world with endless possibility: cake, flowers, toes... they can be whatever is convenient. The purpose of different items is left for the user to define. So cake can be eaten, yes, but it can be more. It can be hair conditioner (that takes hard work to wash out). It can be something to throw. It can be something to squeeze, touch, and smear everywhere.

With time, cake (and everything else) looses that capacity. Definitions are given, and it is expected that those definitions will be followed with the utmost precision. Cake is not seen as a projectile or as the newest hand lotion. It's seen as the product of a lot of hard work and effort. It's viewed as a delicious desert to be eaten. And cake is defined that way because from experience people know that's the way that is not only socially acceptable, but also the most enjoyable. Because as fun as it is to throw cake around, the consequences of doing so are not as enjoyable as a stomach full of cake.

Want some cake? Because I think there will
be leftovers...

But I think the definitions that separate children from adults go beyond function. I mean, Max already knew at the age of one that the cup was to drink out of, and throwing it on the floor meant no more drink. Not only is the vocabulary of an adult much more expansive than a child's vocabulary, but it also has more depth. With experience abstract ideas such as love, suffering, beauty, etc., gain meaning and different nuanced connotations. Words that used to be synonyms--beautiful and pretty, look and see, enjoy and appreciate--no longer are the same. Those words take on new meaning, and a new perspective is gained. 

Words with such strict, narrow meanings may seem limiting when babies don't even have to worry about words--or what they mean. But yet, these definitions can open new doors, allow for new possibilities. This structure invites a new sort of freedom that children don't have. The best jazz musicians know that without a knowledge of the structure of music, good improvisation would be impossible to obtain. Writers and story tellers all know that words--and their definitions--are essential to making people want to listen/read. And some of the happiest people will agree that their happiness is in part dependent upon the structure that exists in their lives.

As much as I love definitions, sometimes I wish that they could just be thrown out the window. And sometimes I do throw them out the window. Because who's to say that my blanket can't be used as an awesome cape while I pretend that I'm an airplane? And who's to say that the breath coming out of my mouth on a cold day is really just condensing water, not really awesome magic fairy dust or dragon fire? Even with age our minds are not lost: we still have the capacity to think however we want no matter what. 

Which is fantastic. I am a nonconformist of the mind. My thoughts are like no other. Don't know if that's a good thing though.

time to remember

First off, I'd like to recognize the anniversary of the falling of the twin towers eleven years ago yesterday. Although yesterday, not today, was 9/11, I still think it's important to remember, no matter what the day. I think sometimes I (and perhaps others, too) tend to get caught up in the so many things that are going wrong in America, such as high taxes, crooked politicians, etc., that I forget to remember all the great people who make up this country. Today as I was heading to campus for an engineering meeting (I actually made it this time!), I came right when the flag was being lowered. The national anthem was being played and everyone stopped, hand over heart. That was a powerful reminder to me that although there are so many different factors which can divide this country, there is also a very strong uniting force among all these people of different backgrounds, beliefs, customs, languages, capacities, etc.

Also, it's my brother's birthday on Friday! He's turning eight (these pictures are pretty old, thus the braces), and I'm super excited for him to be baptized. I really miss this guy.

   
If you have been reading this blog (which no one really has, and I kinda like it that way...) you might have gotten the impression that I distance myself as much as possible from people. That's really not true. I have many people I absolutely adore (and miss, now that I'm so very far away!), but I don't particularly like writing about people because I don't like being written about, and I wouldn't ever want to write about someone who would be uncomfortable with that.

Just one final thought for tonight...

http://xkcd.com/212