to be a hero

Man, it's been a while since I've been posted. I just get so caught up in my routines sometimes that I guess I forget to think about things outside of the upcoming test, or the paper or homework that's due the next day. I also sometimes forget how to give myself a break: to just sit down and read a book, or to write a post without being rushed. But really it's my fault; I heaped all this work upon me which causes almost everything else to fade into the background.

Anyway, last Wednesday I went the art exhibit "We Could Be Heroes" at the BYU MOA (yes, BYU does love acronyms). Although in my art history class I've been having a tough time trying to understand what an art work is trying to communicate, this art exhibit along with some of the comments which were made really got me thinking. Even if you're not an art person (like me), I would definitely recommend going to an art museum (even if it's not the MOA) and taking the time to go through one exhibit really slowly, trying to understand what the artist is trying to say and how it's applicable to you. After all, isn't that the purpose of art?

Okay. So about them heroes....

Yoram Wolberger

I think as people we have a tendency to look at the accomplishments of people and generalize those accomplishments in order to say something conclusive about that person. We take those accomplishments to be a microcosm of the person as a whole, even though we know that that is simply not true. Let me explain. As a totally random example, take the baseball player above. How many young boys (and girls) aspire to be like him? How many grown adults crowd around a TV screen because of a baseball player? But are aspirations formed to become like baseball players (or Steve Jobs, or Taylor Swift, or whoever it may be) because of who they are, or because of what they've done and the seeming impossibility of it?

Take a minute and look at the photographs and painting below:

Elzbieta Jablonska

Dulce Carmen Pinzon Barbosa: "Superman"

Jason Yarmosky: "High Rollers"

What my question would be is: Who exactly can be a hero? At least to me it seems to be a pretty tough call, because no matter how extraordinary someone seems to be in one aspect of their lives there always is some aspect in which they fall short of "superhero" status; although of course even superheroes have their flaws. I might suggest that there are two general types of heroes, one based on accomplishments and the other based on character. You'll get people like the Robber Barons of industry who were certainly extraordinary in what they did for American capitalism but were no means the most morally upright people. And then there's the people that are role models: parents, teachers, siblings, etc. who are extraordinary for their patience, their resolve in the face of difficulty, their integrity, and so forth but aren't necessarily well-known, and their accomplishments, while note-worthy, are not exactly that significant in the big scheme of things. Does there exist such a hero both in character and accomplishments? Perhaps. But I certainly can't think of any off the top of my head.

So, what kind of hero do you want to be? And is it worth it to have the accomplishments if we lose moral character? I think if you asked most people if they would be like Steve Jobs if they could, most people would say yes, at least at first. But although Steve Jobs is extraordinary in what he was able to do with his company, he certainly was not a morally good man. No one even wanted to work with him. To make a pop culture reference, Peeta told Katniss before the games started that the one thing that he was afraid of that the games would take away from him who he was. Maybe that's what happens when people become heroes of accomplishment. I guess really then, it's a question of what's most important to us. Is it about who we become, or where we end up?

Which begs another question, why do we have heroes? I know that I certainly don't want to be a hero; I would hate to have that kind of responsibility, knowing that my actions will directly influence the decisions of others. But yet we look to imperfect people to be our role models and create superheroes in our culture. Is the presence of heroes in our culture beneficial? Or, perhaps I might argue that it's harmful to compare ourselves to some type of end goal which we desire for ourselves without examining the in-between steps.

Jonathan Hobin: "Dear Leader"
He's supposed to be a representation of Kim Jung Il. At what
point do the games, comic books, and childhood aspirations
become reality? Where's the line between innocence and who
we ultimately become?

Anyway. Not to overwhelm you with thoughts, but I'm on a roll here. What about all of the violence that's portrayed in conjunction with superheroes? I personally think that the emphasis on violence comes because as people we want to see that our hero is one of action, not just of words, and the easiest way to show that is through violence. Without the action and the violence how are we to know that they are who they say they are, and not just all talk? The poster on the wall in the museum for the monsters section of the exhibit said, "heroes are heroes because they fight our monsters" (paraphrasing). So, would superheroes be such if it were not for the violence?

There's really so many unanswered questions here, and I think the only real conclusion that can be made is that, well, there are so many gray areas. So many squiggly lines that poorly define what makes a person great, or what it really means to be a hero. I don't know that I would be able to define what it means to become a hero, or that if I could there would be anyone--fictional or otherwise--who would be able to satisfy the assuredly unrealistic qualifications.

But, perhaps, in someone's eyes you too can be a hero. Although maybe not quite like Captain America. Or the Hulk. Or Wonder Woman. Or any of the rest of them.

extraordinary

The word extraordinary has always confused me a little bit. I mean, if you're extraordinary then you're far from ordinary, and certainly not extra ordinary, yet to me it seems like extraordinary would mean just that: extra ordinary.

I want to be extraordinary. I don't necessarily want to be an extraordinary athlete or musician, but I want to be extraordinary as a friend, an engineering, a leader. So I'll set all these goals and kind of map out a game plan of where I want to be by the end of the weekend, end of the semester, in five years (I honestly don't think about anything past 5 years because I really don't know what's going to happen after that...). But yet somehow in my quest to become extraordinary I just feel extra ordinary. The hours are long, the pay is not good, and my boss is a grouch. Although not really. But this is about what my life has come to:

Ate breakfast on campus. On a Saturday morning.
After going to an 8 o'clock review session.
Story of my life right here.

I'm not saying this to be pessimistic, and school right now is pretty fulfilling and all, but sometimes it just feels like I'm a little disconnected from who and where I want to be. Malcolm Gladwell wrote in his book, Outliers, that success comes when there is a clear connection between effort and reward. I know there is. I know that everything will pay off eventually. But right now it doesn't always seem clear that spending painstaking hours on my chem labs or on my math homework will be worth it. I'll take it on faith, but man, it gets tiring sometimes.

But hey, long weekend! And in other news yesterday I was certified as an open water diver! It's funny how when I was younger there were all these things I wanted to do: backpack Europe, go paragliding (also wanted to build an ultra lite and then fly it...) and bunches of other things. I was just looking at the list of things I wanted to do when I was in 7th or 8th grade, and scuba diving wasn't on there although snorkeling was... scuba diving is pretty much snorkeling to the next level so I think I'll call it good.

Anyway, it's interesting how I came up with all these life experiences that I wanted to have, and getting into high school I honestly didn't think they would ever happen. How was I going to find the time, money, and people to make these goals happen? And somehow in the face of education my adventurous goals seemed unrealistic and impractical. Yet I've somehow managed to accomplish an appreciable number and will add quite a few this summer. I mentioned him before, but Randy Pauch is awesome and if you have some extra time you should watch his last lecture. In the post I linked to I mentioned that I didn't really think I could fulfill childhood dreams as I never thought I had any. But I think I already have. And am. Fulfilling childhood dreams that is.

If you're like me and think your life is extraordinarily dull and that what you're doing is entirely disconnected from where you want to be well... maybe you're right, I don't know. But remember the gap between extraordinary and extra ordinary is probably not as large as you think.

One ticket at a time, as case may be.

if only every day could be like this...

Hah. So this weekend I was going to write a post about how this semester I'm too busy with school stuff that I forget how to be social during the weekends which is dumb. Sometimes people--and relationships--are absolutely an enigma to me, and I'm utterly perplexed as to how to go about unraveling them. Which is why I sometimes prefer school work, because I know how to go about solving math and chemistry problems.

But I can't really rant right now because I'm obnoxiously happy. Ahhhh. First, it's Monday, which means that I'm done with class at 3, which I know doesn't sound all that early, but it is for me. It seemed almost strange to be walking home when it was still daylight out. Anyway, here's what I came back to:

My mom is so talented!

This was supposed to be a graduation present, but I almost love it more because getting it now means getting a giant box in the mail. Which honestly is the best. Also bubble wrap. How can I say no?

And guess what else? Rhetorical question, by the way. Although most people just say "what?!" which isn't even a guess as to what happened. But minor details. This summer I'm going on a study abroad trip to Scotland and Ireland! So excited. I really just want to go explore all of the castles...

I'm not exactly a romantic, but how can you not fall in love
with that?

I'm so glad I finally know what I'm doing with my summer now. Pshhh, internships, you can wait. I'm really excited that I'll get to go home too; I just love my family so much. And hopefully I'll get to hike some of the Appalachian trail with them (them referring to the older people in my family).

Man, I just want to look at pictures of castles all day and never do homework. But tomorrow I have a test, a lab report due, math homework to do, an art quiz, research to work on, and so much more... Must get back to reality.

But just as sort of a side note I suppose, the graduate student that I'm working with on research just sent me the draft of his abstract, and almost all of it directly deals with the project I'm working with right now; I feel so important! My project this semester is really interesting, but I think I'll hold back on explaining it here... 

not a cookie cutter life

One of my friends gave me cookie cutters for Christmas... they're my favorite. There's three different shapes--star, heart, and flower--and then there's different sizes that all fit inside of each other. I tried to find a rolling pin in the store... but no luck. So I used a make shift rolling pin. And by that, I mean I used the wood thing used to stand up the paper towels. Anyway, in other news, I love the weekends, if only for the chance that they give me to sleep in and make cookies.

Using my roommate's instagramed picture because I'm too
lazy to go take a picture myself...

I've been thinking a lot about how the way that I react to different situations is a lot different than the way that other people do, and how I interact with the world differently than most people. How I can stay on campus from 8:30am to 10 at night... and then do the same thing the next day and actually get some satisfaction out of it. How sometimes I don't know how to talk (although I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who has trouble talking...). How I feel drained after interacting with people too long. How I know the names of about two bands and three actors, just because I'm not really interested in learning the names of people I'm never going to meet.

In my global leadership class lately we've been talking about personality types. My teacher had us take the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), which determines personal preferences in interacting with other people and situations. It's interesting how our personalities can explain so much about why people do the things that they do. For example, I don't like prolonged social interaction because I'm an introvert.

I just want to say here that I do get out... sometimes. Tonight I went to a dance. And last week I did too actually. And then I went to a club... and let's just say it's not my thing. I just don't really like to be in big group settings. Lots of times they make me lonely, which might seem counter intuitive because if you're around lots of people you shouldn't be lonely... right? But not really. It's when I'm around all of these people that I don't really know that well and they're (presumably) having fun. And I'm not. And I feel like none of them will be able to understand me, and I can't ever find out because the music's playing too loud and I'm lost. One in a crowd.

Which is why I prefer small groups. I like to be seen as an individual. And I like to see other people as individuals as well, not just as their outward appearance.

Sorry for thinking so much, but the other day I was thinking about what high school students might aspire to I suppose to do when they're "crazy and in college." I'm sure you've already caught on, but my crazy is something completely different than most people's. My "crazy and in college" is more of a "crazy about college." It's not going half way. It's seeking out new experiences.

Just a bit of a side note on that, I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to be doing this summer, and I've been playing around with a lot of ideas in my head. I feel like this summer is going to be one of the last where I can really do whatever I want without feeling confined to getting an internship, or being financially forced into getting a job--or multiple jobs. Although a job is always nice. I don't care so much what I do or where I go so long as it's something new. I applied for some internships; I'll apply for some more this weekend. And then I've been looking at camp counselor jobs, and study abroad opportunities. I'm the type of person who really likes to have things planned out, and to not know where I'm going to be living in a little over three months bothers me, but I'm trying to embrace the uncertainty. Because most times life doesn't allow you to plan things out.

I feel like I've let this post go everywhere, which is really bothersome. There's nothing worse than a rambling post with no theme. But there is! I am different, whether by my personality or my experiences. And the same is true for everyone else. There are no cookie cutter people.

Unless, you know, there are a lot of cookie cutters. And they're
all really awesome. Then it's totally possible.

ten thousand

Initially, ten thousand probably seems like a lot. At least to me it does. But is it?

Ten thousand molecules are insignificant almost all cases, unless you're talking about the number of poison molecules in the air. Then you might be out of luck. The *average* person takes ten thousand breaths in just over eight hours. Ten thousand dollars at most universities might get you housing and food for a semester, and that's if you're lucky. 

But 10,000 hours? That's a lot. 10,000 hours of jail time would be well over a year. Assuming eight hours of sleep a night, it would take you almost three and a half years to accumulate 10,000 hours of sleep time. Even for babies, who spend over half the day sleeping, it would take well over two years. But 10,000 hours is the amount of time that you need to spend on a to gain mastery, or so says Malcolm Gladwell, author of Outliers. You might be surprised, because I'm reading a book that's not physics related. Yes, I do do that occasionally.

I really, really like Outliers and I don't think I'm crazy for thinking so (like you might think I am for enjoying books about physics). If you're not entirely opposed to reading nonfiction, I would definitely recommend Outliers. I have some qualifications for what makes a good book:

1. It has to have application to real life, even if it isn't necessarily realistic. Which is why I generally don't like romances because they're all so... unlikely. 
2. Said book makes me think/change my perspective about a certain topic.
3. Well-written. Good books make me want to keep reading. 

Outliers will make you think differently about what it means to be successful. I promise.

As a side note, here's one of my weekend accomplishments:

Om nom nom.

it's all new

Man, new semester. So exhausting. But I'm glad. Because as much as I love break, and would love to sleep in until noon everyday and not have to worry about much the rest of the day, there's something exhilarating about having accomplished something.

This week has been crazy so far, but I don't think necessarily in a bad way.

• I tried sushi . Also Dr. Pepper. And saw Garfield and Friends. And Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. All for the first time. Okay, so I might be getting started late on all those "essential life experiences," but at least I'm getting them in, right?
• I accidentally signed up for technical writing (a class for mainly chem and biochem majors, from what I can tell) instead of technical communication... Showed up to class to class full of seniors and super seniors, and let's just say I felt a little bit out of place.
• I'm taking an honors art history class... I can't say that I feel super comfortable there either. 
• Tonight I made banana oil in my o chem lab! I realize that I only signed up for 1 credit (which would means I only take it for half the semester), but I'm already kind of attached to that class, even though it is late at night. 

Hahahaha if only I had a phone like that....

• Tomorrow marks the day of my first scuba diving class. Words cannot tell you how excited I am. This class will make Fridays just that much more sweet. (You might not be surprised that I made the decision to take a Friday night class based on the assumption that I was going to have no social life this semester...).
• Last Sunday I made fudge! I think there's still some left, but I'm too lazy to go take a picture. Sorry guys. But the reason for that is that every year around Christmas my mom made fudge. This year, she didn't, and I didn't get around to it either while I was home. So I decided that I couldn't let that tradition die. And besides, fudge is delicious, and not all that difficult to make.
• OH! Also I played on not one, but five real pipe organs yesterday! Ah, so happy! Also two clavichords but those aren't nearly as fun. Playing a real organ makes me feel so powerful. It's wonderful. 
• Just as kind of a side note, not having 8 o'clock classes makes such a difference.

I've been thinking lately about what I want to do this summer. I applied to a couple of internships, and hopefully I'll apply to a couple more this weekend. But I'm not sure if that's what I want to do... I want to go and see places, and do things, and I feel like this is my one chance while I'm still in college. Before my sister got married, we always planned on backpacking Europe, and now I want to go but I have no one to go with. Sad day. 

phobic

This is the third time I've tried to start writing this post. And I don't think it's because it's early in the morning already (and I haven't gone to bed yet), although that might contribute, but it's more because I don't even know how to talk about guys. Because I (almost) never do.

Let me start out by saying that I'm not phobic to guys. Over 80% of the people in my major are guys. One of my closest friends is of the gender in question. And a lot of the friends I've made here at college are also of that gender. In fact, I often get along with guys better, just because there tend to be a lot more guys who are scientifically minded and can relate to me when I make awkward nerd jokes or talk about optimizing my path home. Although like my physics teacher said about guys in engineering/math/science fields, "the odds are good but the goods are odd."

Dude. She's not even touching you.

I'm not phobic to guys. I'm phobic to relationships. Ever since my sister became engaged, I've been a little bit wary of relationships. Which is not to say that I had any reason to be, since it's not like I've been asked out on a whole lot of dates, but still, there lies in the back of my head that nagging fear, telling me that if I ever start to date someone, it's going to get serious, and they I'm going to get married. And I don't want to get married. Not yet anyway. I'm too attached to having every aspect of my life exactly the way I want it. Also I like being alone too much.

But even more than relationships, I'm afraid of meeting someone who will change my mind. Call me crazy, but it could happen, and at BYU it happens all the time. That's what happened to my sister after all.

Speaking of my sister, a friend and I decorated the car of my sister and her husband at long last! We were going to do it on their wedding day, but then there were various obstacles to be overcome. Well, mainly lack of window paint. Let me tell you this, window paint has a tough time when it's cold outside. Balloons, streamers, window paint... the whole shebang. And the best part? Googly eyes on magnets. Hah. Best idea ever. (Can't remember if that was my idea or not, but I will gladly take credit.)