I'm off!

Just a day and a half ago I finally arrived home in New Jersey; in just over two hours now I'll be leaving again. Sometimes life really does move at lightning speed. It's crazy how that happens.

I don't really have a lot to say, just that going to Nepal by myself is probably one of the craziest things I've done. I'm sure I'll be fine, but there will be a lot of things that I'll have to deal with myself there that I haven't ever had to before--changing money, communicating where most people don't speak English or great English, finding my way around, etc. I'll be in pretty touristy areas so I don't think it'll be a huge problem but it'll definitely be something I'll have to combat, on top of adjusting to time differences, eating foods I'm not used to, and so forth.

But really, I'm so excited! My plane ride is... you guessed it! Just about 18 hours long. And then add on top of that the connecting flights and it's about a full day of flight time just on the way there, and over a day of travelling, even without the time change. So I'll leave this afternoon and then I won't get there until Wednesday morning. Part of that is because of the almost 10 hour time difference but a lot of it is also just because getting there is going to take a long time. Crazy.

Look at my cool new backpack! This makes me even more
excited for trekking. Also makes me want to trek everywhere.

Well, I still have a little bit of packing left to do so... I'm going to do that. But if I don't get a chance to post while I'm in Nepal (which is more than likely) there will certainly be pictures and so forth up when I get back so be ready!

it is finished.

Finals are over! At last. Which is not to say that this semester is actually over yet; look at my desk for one:

I honestly don't know how I'm getting anything done here.
All I know is that I don't want to clean up that mess, let alone
start packing up all the rest of my stuff. Wah.

Despite the fact that I have really been longing for finals to to be over it's kind of sad now, because with finals over that means that I actually have to get to those things that are important to do, but not super pressing, like figuring out if I have everything I need for Nepal, making sure I have a ride to the airport, packing all of my stuff, etc. Darn. Also, my friends (all two or three of them, hah) are starting to leave! So it's a bit of a bummer deal, but part of me knows that it's time for a break. It's always good to be exposed to the real world or even environments that you haven't been exposed to in a while--in my case, home. It'll be strange being around little kids all the time and having to tell people where I'm doing and for what purpose beforehand.

Here's two semester's in retrospect:

• I went on a couple of dates. Yes, it surprised me too.
• I became a certified open water scuba diver!
• I lived in a blanket fort for a month with four other girls. (Yes, it was awesome.)
• I have gotten less sleep and done more work on a daily basis than ever before.
• I finally learned how to properly play the organ. And I played in master class. It was kind of a big deal for me.
• I gained some weight. In case you were interested in knowing.
• I learned about how stuff burns! Research jobs are awesome. 
• I am currently preparing to get one of the lowest grades of my entire academic career. Which is not to say that it's bad, but it's still quite momentous for me. 
• I went to general conference in the conference center. Awesome.
• I took a total of 38 credits of classes. Probably not one of the wisest decisions I have ever made. But I survived honorably I believe, thank goodness.
• I met so many amazing people who I am going to miss dearly this summer! *sobs*

stopping to think

Okay. Okay okay. So there's a lot of stuff going on in my life right now--end of the semester for one--but I think maybe what's more important to address is what's going on outside my own protective bubble. Today there was a bombing at the Boston marathon. Three were killed and well over a hundred were injured.

I can't even imagine what would motivate something like this.

When I first saw this on Facebook I can't say that I was surprised. Not because I expected an event specifically like what happened, today, or in Boston, but just because it seems like horrible things happen all the time. Just think. Colorado movie theater shooting, Newtown, and others that I can't remember (or maybe didn't even hear about at the time). But does that lessen how terrible these events are? I would hope not, but yet I think often it does.

I am the first to admit that I get caught up, quite easily, in my life and all of my own needs. At college I think it's especially easy to do that, and with my busy class schedule, I hardly have time to do the things that I want to do, let alone to do other things that I should do but haven't prioritized. Like reading the news. That would definitely be a good thing to do. But back to the Boston marathon bombing. When I first saw it on Facebook (of course) I essentially disregarded it. And that's what bothers me. I didn't even think about it, even to think about my friends who are living in Boston.

Shouldn't I be able to recognize when something big has happened? Do several people have to tell me about it in order for my mind to recognize that this is something important that I should be aware of? It's tough because there is always stuff going on in life; the question is whether or not we allow ourselves to become too busy to stop and reflect.

I am the first to admit that I take way too much for granted: of course my family loves me, because they always have. Of course I can go without eating veggies, because I'm strong without them. Of course I can walk home when it's late and dark, because who'd rape me? Of course I can go to a third world country all by myself, because who's to stop me? Of course there's a life after death, because it wouldn't make any sense otherwise. I take my health, my education, my opportunities, my family, my faith, and so much more for granted but it's realizations like these and life itself pressing forward that makes me realize that what I have right now will not last forever, and also that other people often are not as fortunate as me.

I actually was thinking about this earlier when I was reading up on Nepal. The average per capita income last year was $625, which was higher than it has been in the past. Six hundred and twenty five dollars. Yes, it is a whole different world over there but I simply cannot even imagine living on that little. I barely even work and I make more than that in three months. So often it's easy to get caught up in the intense political fire that is prevalent in America and forget all of the really great things that we have here.

Dang these kids are cute.

It also makes me think that perhaps I'm not spending my money in the right ways. Who am I to throw around thousands of dollars on travelling the world when it would take other people many, many years to just earn that much money, let alone actually save it up? Sometimes my classes make me overconfident, making me think that I actually know something of some importance, when in reality some of the most important things are ones that book learning can't teach me, and to which the answers to can never be found.

Anyway, just some food for thought.

fighting fear

I think as humans we often tend to fear, and particularly fear the unknown. The future, the difficult, the unexpected and the unpreventable are all victims of our worry--and our fear. Anxiety can be good--if it motivates us to be better; however, often fear and self-doubt can lead to inaction, passively fighting against change. When this passive fight against change prevents necessary life progress from being made this seems to become somewhat counter intuitive, although sometimes I find myself falling into these traps as well. Shouldn't we be fearing more the consequences of our inaction than the consequences of our actions? Isn't the prospect of never getting a job worse than the thought of being rejected from various positions? Isn't the thought of just having to live without knowing enough to act as motivation? "It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed" (Theodore Roosevelt).

To me it's really amazing how much college changes things--I continually am presented with opportunities which I never imagined I'd be confronted with, let alone able to embrace. Most recently was my decision to travel to Nepal this summer for two weeks. A five day trek through the Himalayas. Sight-seeing in a foreign country--without my family. Over three days of flight time. I never would have imagined this, even just a month ago. But yet it's going to happen.

This is the view from Pool Hill (which I will be climbing this
summer) of some Himalayan peaks.

Am I scared? Of course. I hardly feel like I'm prepared in the most basic aspects, such as having a good backpack for trekking or broken in shoes, or being able to cover difficult terrain over extended periods of time, let alone feeling prepared for some of the tougher aspects. Dealing with a completely foreign culture, their people, and their language, and figuring out issues such as money, cold showers, etc. Handling international travel on my own and adjusting to time differences as well as altitude differences. Being without much modern technology which allows me to get in contact regularly with those I care about. Does it scare me? Yes, yes it does, but I can't--and I won't--let my fear talk me out of this great opportunity.

I have never been a procrastinator, and I won't put off foreign travel right now just because maybe I'm young, or maybe I should earn a little bit more money. To me it all comes down to the fact that I have no idea if I will ever be able to go to Nepal again. I might never have a chance to come across the great majesty of the Himalayas again. So I will put aside my fear and embrace the moment.

Quite simply, I am going to go.

a belated pi day post

Maybe it's because I'm a complete nerd or maybe because math is wonderful and has the capacity to be oh so very interesting, but I'm a fan of Vi Hart and her videos. If I had a guarantee that math would be as cool as she makes it seems in her videos all of the time, I would become a math major right now. But alas. It's not so. But Vi Hart has convinced me that tau is indeed better than pi. You're probably wondering what tau is. It's okay. I too once was ignorant of the wonders of tau. 

And if tau is not good enough for you, maybe wau will be. 

If she can't make you love math, I honestly don't know who can. Anyway, here is a picture of the rebellious tau cookies I made last pi day. Ironically I don't think I even remembered tau day when it came around. (Although I believe I was in France so I guess I can use that as some sort of an excuse...).

That's right. I'm going against you pi.

Despite the fact that tau is by far superior to pi, I'm still a fan of anything that allows me to embrace the nerdy. So of course I bought a pi day t-shirt. With the money I won from a bet with my math TA. Yes, I know betting is not the best. But he was insisting that no set of vectors could span if they were linearly dependent! I mean, it's obvious, really.

Just kidding pi. You're the (second) best.

Anyway, happy late pi day!

to be a hero

Man, it's been a while since I've been posted. I just get so caught up in my routines sometimes that I guess I forget to think about things outside of the upcoming test, or the paper or homework that's due the next day. I also sometimes forget how to give myself a break: to just sit down and read a book, or to write a post without being rushed. But really it's my fault; I heaped all this work upon me which causes almost everything else to fade into the background.

Anyway, last Wednesday I went the art exhibit "We Could Be Heroes" at the BYU MOA (yes, BYU does love acronyms). Although in my art history class I've been having a tough time trying to understand what an art work is trying to communicate, this art exhibit along with some of the comments which were made really got me thinking. Even if you're not an art person (like me), I would definitely recommend going to an art museum (even if it's not the MOA) and taking the time to go through one exhibit really slowly, trying to understand what the artist is trying to say and how it's applicable to you. After all, isn't that the purpose of art?

Okay. So about them heroes....

Yoram Wolberger

I think as people we have a tendency to look at the accomplishments of people and generalize those accomplishments in order to say something conclusive about that person. We take those accomplishments to be a microcosm of the person as a whole, even though we know that that is simply not true. Let me explain. As a totally random example, take the baseball player above. How many young boys (and girls) aspire to be like him? How many grown adults crowd around a TV screen because of a baseball player? But are aspirations formed to become like baseball players (or Steve Jobs, or Taylor Swift, or whoever it may be) because of who they are, or because of what they've done and the seeming impossibility of it?

Take a minute and look at the photographs and painting below:

Elzbieta Jablonska

Dulce Carmen Pinzon Barbosa: "Superman"

Jason Yarmosky: "High Rollers"

What my question would be is: Who exactly can be a hero? At least to me it seems to be a pretty tough call, because no matter how extraordinary someone seems to be in one aspect of their lives there always is some aspect in which they fall short of "superhero" status; although of course even superheroes have their flaws. I might suggest that there are two general types of heroes, one based on accomplishments and the other based on character. You'll get people like the Robber Barons of industry who were certainly extraordinary in what they did for American capitalism but were no means the most morally upright people. And then there's the people that are role models: parents, teachers, siblings, etc. who are extraordinary for their patience, their resolve in the face of difficulty, their integrity, and so forth but aren't necessarily well-known, and their accomplishments, while note-worthy, are not exactly that significant in the big scheme of things. Does there exist such a hero both in character and accomplishments? Perhaps. But I certainly can't think of any off the top of my head.

So, what kind of hero do you want to be? And is it worth it to have the accomplishments if we lose moral character? I think if you asked most people if they would be like Steve Jobs if they could, most people would say yes, at least at first. But although Steve Jobs is extraordinary in what he was able to do with his company, he certainly was not a morally good man. No one even wanted to work with him. To make a pop culture reference, Peeta told Katniss before the games started that the one thing that he was afraid of that the games would take away from him who he was. Maybe that's what happens when people become heroes of accomplishment. I guess really then, it's a question of what's most important to us. Is it about who we become, or where we end up?

Which begs another question, why do we have heroes? I know that I certainly don't want to be a hero; I would hate to have that kind of responsibility, knowing that my actions will directly influence the decisions of others. But yet we look to imperfect people to be our role models and create superheroes in our culture. Is the presence of heroes in our culture beneficial? Or, perhaps I might argue that it's harmful to compare ourselves to some type of end goal which we desire for ourselves without examining the in-between steps.

Jonathan Hobin: "Dear Leader"
He's supposed to be a representation of Kim Jung Il. At what
point do the games, comic books, and childhood aspirations
become reality? Where's the line between innocence and who
we ultimately become?

Anyway. Not to overwhelm you with thoughts, but I'm on a roll here. What about all of the violence that's portrayed in conjunction with superheroes? I personally think that the emphasis on violence comes because as people we want to see that our hero is one of action, not just of words, and the easiest way to show that is through violence. Without the action and the violence how are we to know that they are who they say they are, and not just all talk? The poster on the wall in the museum for the monsters section of the exhibit said, "heroes are heroes because they fight our monsters" (paraphrasing). So, would superheroes be such if it were not for the violence?

There's really so many unanswered questions here, and I think the only real conclusion that can be made is that, well, there are so many gray areas. So many squiggly lines that poorly define what makes a person great, or what it really means to be a hero. I don't know that I would be able to define what it means to become a hero, or that if I could there would be anyone--fictional or otherwise--who would be able to satisfy the assuredly unrealistic qualifications.

But, perhaps, in someone's eyes you too can be a hero. Although maybe not quite like Captain America. Or the Hulk. Or Wonder Woman. Or any of the rest of them.

extraordinary

The word extraordinary has always confused me a little bit. I mean, if you're extraordinary then you're far from ordinary, and certainly not extra ordinary, yet to me it seems like extraordinary would mean just that: extra ordinary.

I want to be extraordinary. I don't necessarily want to be an extraordinary athlete or musician, but I want to be extraordinary as a friend, an engineering, a leader. So I'll set all these goals and kind of map out a game plan of where I want to be by the end of the weekend, end of the semester, in five years (I honestly don't think about anything past 5 years because I really don't know what's going to happen after that...). But yet somehow in my quest to become extraordinary I just feel extra ordinary. The hours are long, the pay is not good, and my boss is a grouch. Although not really. But this is about what my life has come to:

Ate breakfast on campus. On a Saturday morning.
After going to an 8 o'clock review session.
Story of my life right here.

I'm not saying this to be pessimistic, and school right now is pretty fulfilling and all, but sometimes it just feels like I'm a little disconnected from who and where I want to be. Malcolm Gladwell wrote in his book, Outliers, that success comes when there is a clear connection between effort and reward. I know there is. I know that everything will pay off eventually. But right now it doesn't always seem clear that spending painstaking hours on my chem labs or on my math homework will be worth it. I'll take it on faith, but man, it gets tiring sometimes.

But hey, long weekend! And in other news yesterday I was certified as an open water diver! It's funny how when I was younger there were all these things I wanted to do: backpack Europe, go paragliding (also wanted to build an ultra lite and then fly it...) and bunches of other things. I was just looking at the list of things I wanted to do when I was in 7th or 8th grade, and scuba diving wasn't on there although snorkeling was... scuba diving is pretty much snorkeling to the next level so I think I'll call it good.

Anyway, it's interesting how I came up with all these life experiences that I wanted to have, and getting into high school I honestly didn't think they would ever happen. How was I going to find the time, money, and people to make these goals happen? And somehow in the face of education my adventurous goals seemed unrealistic and impractical. Yet I've somehow managed to accomplish an appreciable number and will add quite a few this summer. I mentioned him before, but Randy Pauch is awesome and if you have some extra time you should watch his last lecture. In the post I linked to I mentioned that I didn't really think I could fulfill childhood dreams as I never thought I had any. But I think I already have. And am. Fulfilling childhood dreams that is.

If you're like me and think your life is extraordinarily dull and that what you're doing is entirely disconnected from where you want to be well... maybe you're right, I don't know. But remember the gap between extraordinary and extra ordinary is probably not as large as you think.

One ticket at a time, as case may be.

if only every day could be like this...

Hah. So this weekend I was going to write a post about how this semester I'm too busy with school stuff that I forget how to be social during the weekends which is dumb. Sometimes people--and relationships--are absolutely an enigma to me, and I'm utterly perplexed as to how to go about unraveling them. Which is why I sometimes prefer school work, because I know how to go about solving math and chemistry problems.

But I can't really rant right now because I'm obnoxiously happy. Ahhhh. First, it's Monday, which means that I'm done with class at 3, which I know doesn't sound all that early, but it is for me. It seemed almost strange to be walking home when it was still daylight out. Anyway, here's what I came back to:

My mom is so talented!

This was supposed to be a graduation present, but I almost love it more because getting it now means getting a giant box in the mail. Which honestly is the best. Also bubble wrap. How can I say no?

And guess what else? Rhetorical question, by the way. Although most people just say "what?!" which isn't even a guess as to what happened. But minor details. This summer I'm going on a study abroad trip to Scotland and Ireland! So excited. I really just want to go explore all of the castles...

I'm not exactly a romantic, but how can you not fall in love
with that?

I'm so glad I finally know what I'm doing with my summer now. Pshhh, internships, you can wait. I'm really excited that I'll get to go home too; I just love my family so much. And hopefully I'll get to hike some of the Appalachian trail with them (them referring to the older people in my family).

Man, I just want to look at pictures of castles all day and never do homework. But tomorrow I have a test, a lab report due, math homework to do, an art quiz, research to work on, and so much more... Must get back to reality.

But just as sort of a side note I suppose, the graduate student that I'm working with on research just sent me the draft of his abstract, and almost all of it directly deals with the project I'm working with right now; I feel so important! My project this semester is really interesting, but I think I'll hold back on explaining it here... 

not a cookie cutter life

One of my friends gave me cookie cutters for Christmas... they're my favorite. There's three different shapes--star, heart, and flower--and then there's different sizes that all fit inside of each other. I tried to find a rolling pin in the store... but no luck. So I used a make shift rolling pin. And by that, I mean I used the wood thing used to stand up the paper towels. Anyway, in other news, I love the weekends, if only for the chance that they give me to sleep in and make cookies.

Using my roommate's instagramed picture because I'm too
lazy to go take a picture myself...

I've been thinking a lot about how the way that I react to different situations is a lot different than the way that other people do, and how I interact with the world differently than most people. How I can stay on campus from 8:30am to 10 at night... and then do the same thing the next day and actually get some satisfaction out of it. How sometimes I don't know how to talk (although I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who has trouble talking...). How I feel drained after interacting with people too long. How I know the names of about two bands and three actors, just because I'm not really interested in learning the names of people I'm never going to meet.

In my global leadership class lately we've been talking about personality types. My teacher had us take the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), which determines personal preferences in interacting with other people and situations. It's interesting how our personalities can explain so much about why people do the things that they do. For example, I don't like prolonged social interaction because I'm an introvert.

I just want to say here that I do get out... sometimes. Tonight I went to a dance. And last week I did too actually. And then I went to a club... and let's just say it's not my thing. I just don't really like to be in big group settings. Lots of times they make me lonely, which might seem counter intuitive because if you're around lots of people you shouldn't be lonely... right? But not really. It's when I'm around all of these people that I don't really know that well and they're (presumably) having fun. And I'm not. And I feel like none of them will be able to understand me, and I can't ever find out because the music's playing too loud and I'm lost. One in a crowd.

Which is why I prefer small groups. I like to be seen as an individual. And I like to see other people as individuals as well, not just as their outward appearance.

Sorry for thinking so much, but the other day I was thinking about what high school students might aspire to I suppose to do when they're "crazy and in college." I'm sure you've already caught on, but my crazy is something completely different than most people's. My "crazy and in college" is more of a "crazy about college." It's not going half way. It's seeking out new experiences.

Just a bit of a side note on that, I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to be doing this summer, and I've been playing around with a lot of ideas in my head. I feel like this summer is going to be one of the last where I can really do whatever I want without feeling confined to getting an internship, or being financially forced into getting a job--or multiple jobs. Although a job is always nice. I don't care so much what I do or where I go so long as it's something new. I applied for some internships; I'll apply for some more this weekend. And then I've been looking at camp counselor jobs, and study abroad opportunities. I'm the type of person who really likes to have things planned out, and to not know where I'm going to be living in a little over three months bothers me, but I'm trying to embrace the uncertainty. Because most times life doesn't allow you to plan things out.

I feel like I've let this post go everywhere, which is really bothersome. There's nothing worse than a rambling post with no theme. But there is! I am different, whether by my personality or my experiences. And the same is true for everyone else. There are no cookie cutter people.

Unless, you know, there are a lot of cookie cutters. And they're
all really awesome. Then it's totally possible.

ten thousand

Initially, ten thousand probably seems like a lot. At least to me it does. But is it?

Ten thousand molecules are insignificant almost all cases, unless you're talking about the number of poison molecules in the air. Then you might be out of luck. The *average* person takes ten thousand breaths in just over eight hours. Ten thousand dollars at most universities might get you housing and food for a semester, and that's if you're lucky. 

But 10,000 hours? That's a lot. 10,000 hours of jail time would be well over a year. Assuming eight hours of sleep a night, it would take you almost three and a half years to accumulate 10,000 hours of sleep time. Even for babies, who spend over half the day sleeping, it would take well over two years. But 10,000 hours is the amount of time that you need to spend on a to gain mastery, or so says Malcolm Gladwell, author of Outliers. You might be surprised, because I'm reading a book that's not physics related. Yes, I do do that occasionally.

I really, really like Outliers and I don't think I'm crazy for thinking so (like you might think I am for enjoying books about physics). If you're not entirely opposed to reading nonfiction, I would definitely recommend Outliers. I have some qualifications for what makes a good book:

1. It has to have application to real life, even if it isn't necessarily realistic. Which is why I generally don't like romances because they're all so... unlikely. 
2. Said book makes me think/change my perspective about a certain topic.
3. Well-written. Good books make me want to keep reading. 

Outliers will make you think differently about what it means to be successful. I promise.

As a side note, here's one of my weekend accomplishments:

Om nom nom.

it's all new

Man, new semester. So exhausting. But I'm glad. Because as much as I love break, and would love to sleep in until noon everyday and not have to worry about much the rest of the day, there's something exhilarating about having accomplished something.

This week has been crazy so far, but I don't think necessarily in a bad way.

• I tried sushi . Also Dr. Pepper. And saw Garfield and Friends. And Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. All for the first time. Okay, so I might be getting started late on all those "essential life experiences," but at least I'm getting them in, right?
• I accidentally signed up for technical writing (a class for mainly chem and biochem majors, from what I can tell) instead of technical communication... Showed up to class to class full of seniors and super seniors, and let's just say I felt a little bit out of place.
• I'm taking an honors art history class... I can't say that I feel super comfortable there either. 
• Tonight I made banana oil in my o chem lab! I realize that I only signed up for 1 credit (which would means I only take it for half the semester), but I'm already kind of attached to that class, even though it is late at night. 

Hahahaha if only I had a phone like that....

• Tomorrow marks the day of my first scuba diving class. Words cannot tell you how excited I am. This class will make Fridays just that much more sweet. (You might not be surprised that I made the decision to take a Friday night class based on the assumption that I was going to have no social life this semester...).
• Last Sunday I made fudge! I think there's still some left, but I'm too lazy to go take a picture. Sorry guys. But the reason for that is that every year around Christmas my mom made fudge. This year, she didn't, and I didn't get around to it either while I was home. So I decided that I couldn't let that tradition die. And besides, fudge is delicious, and not all that difficult to make.
• OH! Also I played on not one, but five real pipe organs yesterday! Ah, so happy! Also two clavichords but those aren't nearly as fun. Playing a real organ makes me feel so powerful. It's wonderful. 
• Just as kind of a side note, not having 8 o'clock classes makes such a difference.

I've been thinking lately about what I want to do this summer. I applied to a couple of internships, and hopefully I'll apply to a couple more this weekend. But I'm not sure if that's what I want to do... I want to go and see places, and do things, and I feel like this is my one chance while I'm still in college. Before my sister got married, we always planned on backpacking Europe, and now I want to go but I have no one to go with. Sad day. 

phobic

This is the third time I've tried to start writing this post. And I don't think it's because it's early in the morning already (and I haven't gone to bed yet), although that might contribute, but it's more because I don't even know how to talk about guys. Because I (almost) never do.

Let me start out by saying that I'm not phobic to guys. Over 80% of the people in my major are guys. One of my closest friends is of the gender in question. And a lot of the friends I've made here at college are also of that gender. In fact, I often get along with guys better, just because there tend to be a lot more guys who are scientifically minded and can relate to me when I make awkward nerd jokes or talk about optimizing my path home. Although like my physics teacher said about guys in engineering/math/science fields, "the odds are good but the goods are odd."

Dude. She's not even touching you.

I'm not phobic to guys. I'm phobic to relationships. Ever since my sister became engaged, I've been a little bit wary of relationships. Which is not to say that I had any reason to be, since it's not like I've been asked out on a whole lot of dates, but still, there lies in the back of my head that nagging fear, telling me that if I ever start to date someone, it's going to get serious, and they I'm going to get married. And I don't want to get married. Not yet anyway. I'm too attached to having every aspect of my life exactly the way I want it. Also I like being alone too much.

But even more than relationships, I'm afraid of meeting someone who will change my mind. Call me crazy, but it could happen, and at BYU it happens all the time. That's what happened to my sister after all.

Speaking of my sister, a friend and I decorated the car of my sister and her husband at long last! We were going to do it on their wedding day, but then there were various obstacles to be overcome. Well, mainly lack of window paint. Let me tell you this, window paint has a tough time when it's cold outside. Balloons, streamers, window paint... the whole shebang. And the best part? Googly eyes on magnets. Hah. Best idea ever. (Can't remember if that was my idea or not, but I will gladly take credit.)

a year in retrospect

Over break I went back to Lenape, and in some ways, it hardly seemed like things had changed from last year. Okay, so I didn't generally receive as many hugs in high school as I did that day visiting, but sitting next to one of my best friends it seemed possible that it was only last Friday that we were sitting together for lunch, drawing random pictures, and searching for the turtle animal crackers. (Because they're the best.) But it has been a whole year.

There are just a few of the cookies that I made for my sister's
wedding. And yes, I know that I am a fantastic photographer.
The angle was purposeful. (Maybe.)

Despite all the changes in my life, the winter break was for the most part the same. Dad losing at Monopoly (okay, he won... once), pigs in the blanket on Christmas eve, Christmas cards hung up on string in the living room... All of my family traditions brought the year full circle.

Although I try not to limit goal setting and reflection about how far I've come to this time of year, I think that it is suiting to think about the changes this past year brought to me--and about the changes this new year will bring.

This past year...

• I learned that, despite what I was taught in high school (sorry Newton), physics is amazing. The universe is incredibly complex and the mystery of how everything ties together continues to intrigue me. Speaking of which, I just bought a new book about physics! (Okay, so it was this year not last, but minor details...).

It has all these recreational experiments that I'm excited to try out.
One of them's boiling water in snow! (Although obviously
that's chemistry, not physics.... duh.)

• I graduated from high school! Woot! Also started going to college (gasp!) and started my own blog.
• Traveled to Europe for the second time ever, the first time that I can ever remember. Let's just say that the Mona Lisa is a bit of a disappointment, but the Eiffel tower...? Oh man.

Almost fit it into my backpack.
Almost, but not quite.

• I went through three jobs: Dunkin' Donuts, rame-hart instrument co., and now the research lab.
• I watched my sister get married to her best friend. (There was a point where I thought that person was me, but alas. There's no time to be sore about that now.)

See, I'm super strong!

• I applied for internships! Oh wait, I was going to, but then I didn't get to that until... oh, about four hours ago. 
• I learned to appreciate a crunchy leaf to a new extent. (Also recently discovered that snow is just as satisfyingly crunchy, and the chances of getting a good crunch out of snow are much higher than finding a non-soggy leaf to crunch. Just so you know.)
• I learned how to play the organ! Formally, anyway.
• Somehow managed to attend college and not become poor. 

I can't say that a whole lot has changed now that it's 2013, but hopefully some new (good) changes will come this year. I'm really excited for this new semester; I'm taking 10 classes which I know sounds like a lot, but most of them are easier classes. Like scuba diving! Words cannot express to you how excited I am for that class. 

So I'm guessing that this semester will be a little bit more challenging than last (obviously because of that really tough scuba diving class...), but hopefully I'll still have time to post here, bake cookies, sleep sufficiently... and get an internship this summer! I almost didn't apply to any because the lazy part of me told me it would be fine to work another summer at Dunkin' Donuts, but then I did anyway and I'm really glad I did. Although I still have five or so more places I want to apply to. 

As for some resolutions...

• Be more open to people and new ideas.
• Read more frequently.
• Spend less time distracted.

A perfect example of me being distracted.
My apologies for making you see that.
Also sorry for the weird effects. I couldn't figure out how to
change them.

• Go to bed earlier (great, already breaking that one... it's 1am right now), and don't fight waking up in the morning.
• Learn how to make some real food. (Enough noodles, seriously.)

waking up

I used to always wonder how people could sleep through multiple alarms; how people could sleep in until three in the afternoon without even realizing it; how people could fall asleep in the strangest, awkwardest ways, even standing up. Now, I understand. Often, waking up is the toughest part of my morning. My mind becomes a fine-tuned calculator, ready to figure out precisely how much extra time in bed I can spend before I absolutely must wake up. My hand becomes quicker than a frog's tongue going for a fly in hitting the snooze button after the alarm goes off--the first time, and the seventh. As if waking up once isn't bad enough, sometimes I'll convince myself that taking a nap is a suitable compromise, satiating my ever present desire to sleep.

I don't know how I came to be in this sleep crisis, but here I am. I really do sleep enough; I consistently sleep seven to eight hours a day, but yet my body always cries for more. I thought it was just a college thing; you know, finding the energy to get off of the top bunk in the morning can be pretty tough. But then I went home for break (sorry I haven't posted in so long... it's one of those things where I couldn't compel myself to write anything even though I was never doing anything important and I always find time to post even when I'm super busy during school), and it was the same thing, except worse. Since there was never any time that I had to be up by, I'd become conscious around nine, only to decide that another two hours of sleep was much preferable.

I get it, it's break. But still. Seriously Jenalyn, get things under control. Spending half the day sleeping is a little bit... insane.

I think it was something that I read over break, but I was thinking about how horrible I am at waking up, but how there's not really any reason for me to be. Okay, sure, waking up is tough. But my toes don't freeze off getting out of bed. There's food in the fridge/cabinet for breakfast. I have lots of reasons to be really ecstatic about waking up every morning. But I'm not.

I wish I could look that adorable when I sleep...

And that's because it's easy to forget. It's easy to get caught up in the warmth and safety of the covers every morning, in their protection from the cold, from the harsh realities of life.

But just as waking up in the morning is essential, confronting challenges, exploring new possibilities, and taking the initiative to do something--anything--are also important. Often I find myself being lulled into a sense of security as I try to convince myself that a dull, monotonous job is the one I seek after, that busy work is the best kind of homework, all so that I don't have to exert myself mentally or physically. But I know that in the long run, I don't want to come home after a couple of easy classes to sleep some more. I want to be challenged; I want to have long days of classes and come home exhausted, but invigorated and inspired to think differently and be a better person.

So wake up. Take that leap of faith that the rest of the day is going to be better than the glorious hours in bed.

finals crazy

So this finals week has been crazy in a lot of ways... and in a lot of ways I don't think I necessarily expected it to be. 

I'm just going to start from the beginning. At 5:16am on Monday morning I woke up, bundled up, and headed to the temple. About 8:30 I was back at my apartment, and by 9:47 I was trudging through the snow with my fire cupcakes (unfortunately I didn't think to take pictures) for my writing final. Because the final was a presentation, and mine was about fire. It's totally related. 

Anyways. So I get to campus, practice my writing presentation, head over to my writing final and only slightly freak out that I'm in the wrong place or showing up at the wrong time (showing up a half an hour early will do that to you), only to be saved by my classmates who 1. showed up in the same place as me. Hurrah! and 2. were kind enough to lend me a thumb drive to put my powerpoint on because mine broke...

After the final, there were still a lot of cupcakes left over, especially between my cupcakes and this other girl's. So, she had the brilliant idea of going to the testing center and handing them out! She had to go back to her dorm, but I went over and gave people cupcakes! I was kind of surprised how many people said they didn't want one, but hey. Free choice. It made me really happy though, because I know how I would feel if someone gave me a free cupcake on the terrible week with tons of tests. I like to think that may have initiated something of a trickle down effect, where because I did this one nice thing others will be inspired to pass that kind act along to others. If not, it was still worth it. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm still three years old. But really,
trampoline man is really awesome and I promise
 he will bring you lots of happiness.

So on Tuesday (yesterday) I had a 7am final, so I set my alarm and put it on my desk so I'll be forced to get out of bed to turn it off and thus will wake up. False. Completely false. I wake up at 9:06 in the am and freak out when I see that there's sun pouring through the blinds... because that's not supposed to happen at 5:30 in the morning. At 9:09am I'm out the door and rushing to campus to take my final that began over two hours ago. Luckily, my professor had mercy, and I was able to take my organ final (which ended up being fairly short so I didn't have to feel too stressed about time) and pass off my repertoire piece (Bach's Fugue in G!).

Then after taking my physics test, I headed home and pretty much from 3:30pm to 12:34am I studied for my stats final, with maybe two hours of break time. And I'm really glad I did because I'm sure if I didn't go through practice problems and all that good stuff I would probably still be taking that final right now, trying to figure out what the formulas mean. This final was at 7am too, and I woke up for it! And ended up being twenty minutes early too. Miraculous.

How cute are they! I am so excited.

Well, it's Wednesday now, which means that I only have two finals left, one this afternoon and one tomorrow, and then tomorrow afternoon I get to see my family! They're all coming out here for my sister's wedding and I am super excited to see them.

cookie syndrome

Anyone who knows me fairly well knows that I like to bake. Back home they'd always be gone within two days, max. Especially when I want to take some to school to share in one of my classes.

But here, I can bake all I want and there will still be leftovers! How fantastic is that?! I've been making a lot of cookies recently--probably more than I did last Christmas--and it's not even like it's right before Christmas yet. I've made chocolate chip cookies, sugar cookies, chocolate-heath cookies, oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, mint chip chocolate chip cookies... and that's just recently. (And no, I don't have a thing with chocolate. The sugar cookies had no chocolate in them. Jeez.) I guess I just really like giving people cookies...

It's been bitten out of because it's that good. That's right.

A real quick story. So Wednesday I went to a speed dating thing. (I think it was because of the donuts because I'm not really into that kind of stuff. Better than dances though.) They had leftover donuts so they were like "Take some home!" Of course I was really happy about that. I'd have breakfast taken care of! And who doesn't want an extra donut? Excellent, so excellent. But I had to stop by the creamery on the way home because I needed eggs (for the cookies I was making. See, this is related!). So I stepped inside with donut in hand, and I saw the people working there and they saw the donut, and before I could even think they were eating it (I gave it to them. duh). Anyway, it was a donut well-spent.

Yes, my grandkids are going to be super spoiled. Live with it. (And I'm going to spoil my little brothers too! In less than six days when they come out here and I get to watch them for a day.)

So back the the cookies. I've been making a lot, which means that I have to get creative trying to get rid of them. I shared cookies with my writing class. I gave cookies to people in my group projects for statistics and chemical engineering (and then some extra people wandering by too). I made friends with people in physics by giving them cookies. (Okay, so I don't remember their names. Big deal.) I sent cookies to my friend who's half way across the United States right now. I stuffed them down the throats of every person to ever enter my apartment door. I donated some for a Sub for Santa activity. And guess what? I still have cookies to spare. How does this happen. How.

Although it's been all of two days since I've made cookies, so I guess I'd better get to work...

sing out loud

Before college, I didn't sing. Ever. Except for in church. But really, everyone in my family had their own specialty area of sorts, and we all stuck to those areas. Me, I played piano. And I certainly got told to stop playing just as much as my sisters got told to stop whistling or stop singing.

But here, I can't just play the piano for fun. What I mean by that is although playing the piano is still enjoyable, I can't play recreationally like I used to be able to do since I have go somewhere to practice. And even then sometimes I can't practice because all of the practice rooms are used up. I can't play while my cookies are in the oven; I can't play when Sunday dinner is being made. I miss it quite a bit really. My family is going to have to put up with me playing piano all the time when I come back over break.

I miss that piano. All the pianos here are slightly
out of tune and a little bit too stiff. And the soft
pedal does weird things to the keys.

Now instead of playing the piano I sing. (No one is supposed to know though, so keep it on the down-low, 'kay?) Sometimes it's just in my head. More often, it's out loud. Usually I'll try to avoid singing out loud when there are people around, but when I walk home at night generally there's not a lot of people around so I'll sing. I can't say that I'm any good. I can't even say that I know all the words to the songs I sing. Half the time I make them up. But that's okay. I don't know what it is about singing, but it makes me happy.

When I sing I don't have to worry about people judging me, because no one's around. When I sing I don't have to care about the tests I have to take soon, or the project I need to finish. When I'm singing I have courage to be myself, to be happy.

I'm a very precise person; I don't like doing things unless I know I can do them, and do them well. Or at least know that I can figure out how to do them well. I'm a person who will take forever in deciding to join a club or to take a particular class, because I want to know for sure that it's something I want to do, and am going to be able to do to the best of my ability. I haven't ever dropped a class or quit a club and I don't ever want to. It's not that I expect to be the best at everything I do--I certainly was no track hero--but I want to be committed at the very least.

With that in mind, for me singing is a little bit odd. I certainly don't plan on pursuing singing by taking vocal classes or joining a chorus. It's not like I'm a good singer now. So why sing?

It's because, I think, I've changed some. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be committed; however, I think that mindset made me afraid to try things in high school that I might make me look silly. Like singing. But now, even if someone does hear me singing and I don't remember the words at all and I don't sound great... well, that's okay. Maybe that will give them the courage to sing out loud too. (Or maybe it'll just give them something to laugh about back at home...)

definitions

Something that I have decided is that the difference between children and adults is definitions. That's because children see the world with endless possibility: cake, flowers, toes... they can be whatever is convenient. The purpose of different items is left for the user to define. So cake can be eaten, yes, but it can be more. It can be hair conditioner (that takes hard work to wash out). It can be something to throw. It can be something to squeeze, touch, and smear everywhere.

With time, cake (and everything else) looses that capacity. Definitions are given, and it is expected that those definitions will be followed with the utmost precision. Cake is not seen as a projectile or as the newest hand lotion. It's seen as the product of a lot of hard work and effort. It's viewed as a delicious desert to be eaten. And cake is defined that way because from experience people know that's the way that is not only socially acceptable, but also the most enjoyable. Because as fun as it is to throw cake around, the consequences of doing so are not as enjoyable as a stomach full of cake.

Want some cake? Because I think there will
be leftovers...

But I think the definitions that separate children from adults go beyond function. I mean, Max already knew at the age of one that the cup was to drink out of, and throwing it on the floor meant no more drink. Not only is the vocabulary of an adult much more expansive than a child's vocabulary, but it also has more depth. With experience abstract ideas such as love, suffering, beauty, etc., gain meaning and different nuanced connotations. Words that used to be synonyms--beautiful and pretty, look and see, enjoy and appreciate--no longer are the same. Those words take on new meaning, and a new perspective is gained. 

Words with such strict, narrow meanings may seem limiting when babies don't even have to worry about words--or what they mean. But yet, these definitions can open new doors, allow for new possibilities. This structure invites a new sort of freedom that children don't have. The best jazz musicians know that without a knowledge of the structure of music, good improvisation would be impossible to obtain. Writers and story tellers all know that words--and their definitions--are essential to making people want to listen/read. And some of the happiest people will agree that their happiness is in part dependent upon the structure that exists in their lives.

As much as I love definitions, sometimes I wish that they could just be thrown out the window. And sometimes I do throw them out the window. Because who's to say that my blanket can't be used as an awesome cape while I pretend that I'm an airplane? And who's to say that the breath coming out of my mouth on a cold day is really just condensing water, not really awesome magic fairy dust or dragon fire? Even with age our minds are not lost: we still have the capacity to think however we want no matter what. 

Which is fantastic. I am a nonconformist of the mind. My thoughts are like no other. Don't know if that's a good thing though.

holidays are wonderful

See how productive I was this weekend? Although I made those before break. But still. Really most of the credit should go to the sunset though. Just want to say that I'm so direction oriented out here! Which is a little bit strange, because I back home I don't think I could tell you which way was west/north/etc. (I'm sure I could now though because I'm more aware of which way the sun moves in the sky). Anyway, I guess you can tell that the living room/kitchen windows face west (because let's be realistic, I'm not going to wake up early over break. Actually tried to, and ended up sleeping until ten...)

I wish snow could stay like this: beautiful but without the
harsh realities of its coldness. Not really a huge fan of my
runny nose and my numb fingers...

I really was surprisingly productive this weekend though. I won't bore you with everything that I accomplished, but I'm proud of myself. My homework is done, as well as some other things that I wanted to do. And I have gotten at least ten hours of sleep every night this week (except for Sunday night I think...). What a glorious feeling.

So I put a blocker on Chrome that only allows me to visit certain sites for a certain amount each day. I can't say that it's been very effective because I started using Torch instead of Chrome, but one time when I was changing the time limit the site scolded me and gave me this site to look at. If you're reading this, I have a distinct feeling that you might be procrastinating, so hey, procrastinate a little longer and read that article, and it might even inspire you to change your ways! I'm not promising anything though.

I can't believe that I essentially only have one more day of freedom and then I'm back in real life where I have to wake up in the morning, even if that means I only get six hours of sleep that night. Where I have to go to school, write papers, take tests (ugh, one last midterm this week). And where I have to start studying for finals. I am absolutely dreading my stats final because I have used Excel for just about every homework assignment we've had so far. ...And that's the way that the professor told us to do them.

I'm not counting down or anything, but nine school days and four days of finals left. 18 days until I get to see my family. 20 days until my sister gets married. 21 days until I get to go home. I am so excited. So, so very excited.

on happiness

So it's almost two in the morning on Thanksgiving day, and I'm sitting here at my kitchen table, completely alone, listening to Piano Guys (used to be listening to Christmas music but then everything started repeating...) on Pandora and working on my stats project. Wow, you say. Go to bed, and don't do homework anymore on Thanksgiving. Great advice, I appreciate it. Really.

But I'm not really that tired, and if I don't do some homework right now it's all going to pile up and the rest of my week is going to be miserable. Besides, I don't really consider it to be the next day until after I go to bed. Today (technically yesterday now) I slept in until two anyway, so it's not like I really need to go to bed right away. But look what I made! The cookies are chocolate with mint chips, and then Thanksgiving rolls, which are my favorite part of Thanksgiving dinner!

I am so culinary.

Even though I wish I could be home this Thanksgiving with my family and all my NJ friends, I have lot to be thankful for, as I'm sure you do as well. I've been thinking about being thankful, and being happy, for the past couple of days, and I've decided that the two are essentially the same. You can't be thankful for something while experiencing negative emotions like anger or envy. And if you're happy, then you ought to be thankful at least for the fact that you have a reason to be happy

Lately I've been watching a lot of Ted talks. I'm sure you've heard of them, and probably seen a couple too. They're better than the usual stuff that I watch on Netflix. Anyway, I got listening to a bunch of ones that talk about happiness, and here are some interesting points that were made:

1. The more choices you have, the more difficult it is to create your own happiness.
2. Happiness is an emotion of choice, not of circumstance. (Only 10% of your happiness can be determined from your external circumstances, the other 90% is determined by you.)
3. People are happier when they focus on the present (the task at hand) instead of letting their minds wander.
4. Happiness is more accurately is defined as a state of well-being; it is not just a fleeting emotion.

Ways to be happier:

1. Think of what you're grateful for.
2. Journal.
3. Exercise.
4. Meditate.
5. Perform random acts of kindness. (If you want to buy your happiness, here's how)

Notice that success isn't in that list; one of the people said the reason why success doesn't make us happy like we expect it to is because when we do achieve our goals, we redefine our definition of success, so we're continually striving to be better, never reaching "success"--or happiness. (For example, if you say you want good grades, all A's and B's, then once you get those grades you might readjust and say those aren't good enough. I want just A's. And so forth.) 

I hope that you finds lots of reasons to be thankful--and happy--this Thanksgiving.