finals crazy

So this finals week has been crazy in a lot of ways... and in a lot of ways I don't think I necessarily expected it to be. 

I'm just going to start from the beginning. At 5:16am on Monday morning I woke up, bundled up, and headed to the temple. About 8:30 I was back at my apartment, and by 9:47 I was trudging through the snow with my fire cupcakes (unfortunately I didn't think to take pictures) for my writing final. Because the final was a presentation, and mine was about fire. It's totally related. 

Anyways. So I get to campus, practice my writing presentation, head over to my writing final and only slightly freak out that I'm in the wrong place or showing up at the wrong time (showing up a half an hour early will do that to you), only to be saved by my classmates who 1. showed up in the same place as me. Hurrah! and 2. were kind enough to lend me a thumb drive to put my powerpoint on because mine broke...

After the final, there were still a lot of cupcakes left over, especially between my cupcakes and this other girl's. So, she had the brilliant idea of going to the testing center and handing them out! She had to go back to her dorm, but I went over and gave people cupcakes! I was kind of surprised how many people said they didn't want one, but hey. Free choice. It made me really happy though, because I know how I would feel if someone gave me a free cupcake on the terrible week with tons of tests. I like to think that may have initiated something of a trickle down effect, where because I did this one nice thing others will be inspired to pass that kind act along to others. If not, it was still worth it. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm still three years old. But really,
trampoline man is really awesome and I promise
 he will bring you lots of happiness.

So on Tuesday (yesterday) I had a 7am final, so I set my alarm and put it on my desk so I'll be forced to get out of bed to turn it off and thus will wake up. False. Completely false. I wake up at 9:06 in the am and freak out when I see that there's sun pouring through the blinds... because that's not supposed to happen at 5:30 in the morning. At 9:09am I'm out the door and rushing to campus to take my final that began over two hours ago. Luckily, my professor had mercy, and I was able to take my organ final (which ended up being fairly short so I didn't have to feel too stressed about time) and pass off my repertoire piece (Bach's Fugue in G!).

Then after taking my physics test, I headed home and pretty much from 3:30pm to 12:34am I studied for my stats final, with maybe two hours of break time. And I'm really glad I did because I'm sure if I didn't go through practice problems and all that good stuff I would probably still be taking that final right now, trying to figure out what the formulas mean. This final was at 7am too, and I woke up for it! And ended up being twenty minutes early too. Miraculous.

How cute are they! I am so excited.

Well, it's Wednesday now, which means that I only have two finals left, one this afternoon and one tomorrow, and then tomorrow afternoon I get to see my family! They're all coming out here for my sister's wedding and I am super excited to see them.

cookie syndrome

Anyone who knows me fairly well knows that I like to bake. Back home they'd always be gone within two days, max. Especially when I want to take some to school to share in one of my classes.

But here, I can bake all I want and there will still be leftovers! How fantastic is that?! I've been making a lot of cookies recently--probably more than I did last Christmas--and it's not even like it's right before Christmas yet. I've made chocolate chip cookies, sugar cookies, chocolate-heath cookies, oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, mint chip chocolate chip cookies... and that's just recently. (And no, I don't have a thing with chocolate. The sugar cookies had no chocolate in them. Jeez.) I guess I just really like giving people cookies...

It's been bitten out of because it's that good. That's right.

A real quick story. So Wednesday I went to a speed dating thing. (I think it was because of the donuts because I'm not really into that kind of stuff. Better than dances though.) They had leftover donuts so they were like "Take some home!" Of course I was really happy about that. I'd have breakfast taken care of! And who doesn't want an extra donut? Excellent, so excellent. But I had to stop by the creamery on the way home because I needed eggs (for the cookies I was making. See, this is related!). So I stepped inside with donut in hand, and I saw the people working there and they saw the donut, and before I could even think they were eating it (I gave it to them. duh). Anyway, it was a donut well-spent.

Yes, my grandkids are going to be super spoiled. Live with it. (And I'm going to spoil my little brothers too! In less than six days when they come out here and I get to watch them for a day.)

So back the the cookies. I've been making a lot, which means that I have to get creative trying to get rid of them. I shared cookies with my writing class. I gave cookies to people in my group projects for statistics and chemical engineering (and then some extra people wandering by too). I made friends with people in physics by giving them cookies. (Okay, so I don't remember their names. Big deal.) I sent cookies to my friend who's half way across the United States right now. I stuffed them down the throats of every person to ever enter my apartment door. I donated some for a Sub for Santa activity. And guess what? I still have cookies to spare. How does this happen. How.

Although it's been all of two days since I've made cookies, so I guess I'd better get to work...

sing out loud

Before college, I didn't sing. Ever. Except for in church. But really, everyone in my family had their own specialty area of sorts, and we all stuck to those areas. Me, I played piano. And I certainly got told to stop playing just as much as my sisters got told to stop whistling or stop singing.

But here, I can't just play the piano for fun. What I mean by that is although playing the piano is still enjoyable, I can't play recreationally like I used to be able to do since I have go somewhere to practice. And even then sometimes I can't practice because all of the practice rooms are used up. I can't play while my cookies are in the oven; I can't play when Sunday dinner is being made. I miss it quite a bit really. My family is going to have to put up with me playing piano all the time when I come back over break.

I miss that piano. All the pianos here are slightly
out of tune and a little bit too stiff. And the soft
pedal does weird things to the keys.

Now instead of playing the piano I sing. (No one is supposed to know though, so keep it on the down-low, 'kay?) Sometimes it's just in my head. More often, it's out loud. Usually I'll try to avoid singing out loud when there are people around, but when I walk home at night generally there's not a lot of people around so I'll sing. I can't say that I'm any good. I can't even say that I know all the words to the songs I sing. Half the time I make them up. But that's okay. I don't know what it is about singing, but it makes me happy.

When I sing I don't have to worry about people judging me, because no one's around. When I sing I don't have to care about the tests I have to take soon, or the project I need to finish. When I'm singing I have courage to be myself, to be happy.

I'm a very precise person; I don't like doing things unless I know I can do them, and do them well. Or at least know that I can figure out how to do them well. I'm a person who will take forever in deciding to join a club or to take a particular class, because I want to know for sure that it's something I want to do, and am going to be able to do to the best of my ability. I haven't ever dropped a class or quit a club and I don't ever want to. It's not that I expect to be the best at everything I do--I certainly was no track hero--but I want to be committed at the very least.

With that in mind, for me singing is a little bit odd. I certainly don't plan on pursuing singing by taking vocal classes or joining a chorus. It's not like I'm a good singer now. So why sing?

It's because, I think, I've changed some. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be committed; however, I think that mindset made me afraid to try things in high school that I might make me look silly. Like singing. But now, even if someone does hear me singing and I don't remember the words at all and I don't sound great... well, that's okay. Maybe that will give them the courage to sing out loud too. (Or maybe it'll just give them something to laugh about back at home...)

definitions

Something that I have decided is that the difference between children and adults is definitions. That's because children see the world with endless possibility: cake, flowers, toes... they can be whatever is convenient. The purpose of different items is left for the user to define. So cake can be eaten, yes, but it can be more. It can be hair conditioner (that takes hard work to wash out). It can be something to throw. It can be something to squeeze, touch, and smear everywhere.

With time, cake (and everything else) looses that capacity. Definitions are given, and it is expected that those definitions will be followed with the utmost precision. Cake is not seen as a projectile or as the newest hand lotion. It's seen as the product of a lot of hard work and effort. It's viewed as a delicious desert to be eaten. And cake is defined that way because from experience people know that's the way that is not only socially acceptable, but also the most enjoyable. Because as fun as it is to throw cake around, the consequences of doing so are not as enjoyable as a stomach full of cake.

Want some cake? Because I think there will
be leftovers...

But I think the definitions that separate children from adults go beyond function. I mean, Max already knew at the age of one that the cup was to drink out of, and throwing it on the floor meant no more drink. Not only is the vocabulary of an adult much more expansive than a child's vocabulary, but it also has more depth. With experience abstract ideas such as love, suffering, beauty, etc., gain meaning and different nuanced connotations. Words that used to be synonyms--beautiful and pretty, look and see, enjoy and appreciate--no longer are the same. Those words take on new meaning, and a new perspective is gained. 

Words with such strict, narrow meanings may seem limiting when babies don't even have to worry about words--or what they mean. But yet, these definitions can open new doors, allow for new possibilities. This structure invites a new sort of freedom that children don't have. The best jazz musicians know that without a knowledge of the structure of music, good improvisation would be impossible to obtain. Writers and story tellers all know that words--and their definitions--are essential to making people want to listen/read. And some of the happiest people will agree that their happiness is in part dependent upon the structure that exists in their lives.

As much as I love definitions, sometimes I wish that they could just be thrown out the window. And sometimes I do throw them out the window. Because who's to say that my blanket can't be used as an awesome cape while I pretend that I'm an airplane? And who's to say that the breath coming out of my mouth on a cold day is really just condensing water, not really awesome magic fairy dust or dragon fire? Even with age our minds are not lost: we still have the capacity to think however we want no matter what. 

Which is fantastic. I am a nonconformist of the mind. My thoughts are like no other. Don't know if that's a good thing though.

holidays are wonderful

See how productive I was this weekend? Although I made those before break. But still. Really most of the credit should go to the sunset though. Just want to say that I'm so direction oriented out here! Which is a little bit strange, because I back home I don't think I could tell you which way was west/north/etc. (I'm sure I could now though because I'm more aware of which way the sun moves in the sky). Anyway, I guess you can tell that the living room/kitchen windows face west (because let's be realistic, I'm not going to wake up early over break. Actually tried to, and ended up sleeping until ten...)

I wish snow could stay like this: beautiful but without the
harsh realities of its coldness. Not really a huge fan of my
runny nose and my numb fingers...

I really was surprisingly productive this weekend though. I won't bore you with everything that I accomplished, but I'm proud of myself. My homework is done, as well as some other things that I wanted to do. And I have gotten at least ten hours of sleep every night this week (except for Sunday night I think...). What a glorious feeling.

So I put a blocker on Chrome that only allows me to visit certain sites for a certain amount each day. I can't say that it's been very effective because I started using Torch instead of Chrome, but one time when I was changing the time limit the site scolded me and gave me this site to look at. If you're reading this, I have a distinct feeling that you might be procrastinating, so hey, procrastinate a little longer and read that article, and it might even inspire you to change your ways! I'm not promising anything though.

I can't believe that I essentially only have one more day of freedom and then I'm back in real life where I have to wake up in the morning, even if that means I only get six hours of sleep that night. Where I have to go to school, write papers, take tests (ugh, one last midterm this week). And where I have to start studying for finals. I am absolutely dreading my stats final because I have used Excel for just about every homework assignment we've had so far. ...And that's the way that the professor told us to do them.

I'm not counting down or anything, but nine school days and four days of finals left. 18 days until I get to see my family. 20 days until my sister gets married. 21 days until I get to go home. I am so excited. So, so very excited.

on happiness

So it's almost two in the morning on Thanksgiving day, and I'm sitting here at my kitchen table, completely alone, listening to Piano Guys (used to be listening to Christmas music but then everything started repeating...) on Pandora and working on my stats project. Wow, you say. Go to bed, and don't do homework anymore on Thanksgiving. Great advice, I appreciate it. Really.

But I'm not really that tired, and if I don't do some homework right now it's all going to pile up and the rest of my week is going to be miserable. Besides, I don't really consider it to be the next day until after I go to bed. Today (technically yesterday now) I slept in until two anyway, so it's not like I really need to go to bed right away. But look what I made! The cookies are chocolate with mint chips, and then Thanksgiving rolls, which are my favorite part of Thanksgiving dinner!

I am so culinary.

Even though I wish I could be home this Thanksgiving with my family and all my NJ friends, I have lot to be thankful for, as I'm sure you do as well. I've been thinking about being thankful, and being happy, for the past couple of days, and I've decided that the two are essentially the same. You can't be thankful for something while experiencing negative emotions like anger or envy. And if you're happy, then you ought to be thankful at least for the fact that you have a reason to be happy

Lately I've been watching a lot of Ted talks. I'm sure you've heard of them, and probably seen a couple too. They're better than the usual stuff that I watch on Netflix. Anyway, I got listening to a bunch of ones that talk about happiness, and here are some interesting points that were made:

1. The more choices you have, the more difficult it is to create your own happiness.
2. Happiness is an emotion of choice, not of circumstance. (Only 10% of your happiness can be determined from your external circumstances, the other 90% is determined by you.)
3. People are happier when they focus on the present (the task at hand) instead of letting their minds wander.
4. Happiness is more accurately is defined as a state of well-being; it is not just a fleeting emotion.

Ways to be happier:

1. Think of what you're grateful for.
2. Journal.
3. Exercise.
4. Meditate.
5. Perform random acts of kindness. (If you want to buy your happiness, here's how)

Notice that success isn't in that list; one of the people said the reason why success doesn't make us happy like we expect it to is because when we do achieve our goals, we redefine our definition of success, so we're continually striving to be better, never reaching "success"--or happiness. (For example, if you say you want good grades, all A's and B's, then once you get those grades you might readjust and say those aren't good enough. I want just A's. And so forth.) 

I hope that you finds lots of reasons to be thankful--and happy--this Thanksgiving.

I just don't fit in

In high school, I felt comfortable pretty much anywhere, anytime, except for I'd guess dances and the guys locker room (never went to either, except for an undance for cinco de mayo that people only went to for the extra credit, let's be honest). I was friendly with teachers from all the departments, I participated in sports for two years, I loved band... As much as I try to have harsh feelings towards that ugly brick building with weird Lenapedes (multi-legged bugs), long days of classes, and gross color schemes, that building accepted me. I was comfortable hiding out in the short stacks (until we were kicked out. So much sadness, I know), participating in all-day labs, skipping gym on lame half days before the holidays to go to a friend's art class... 

But here at BYU, there's a certain pressure to be selective about what you do, and with all the buildings specializing in different subjects, sometimes there's an uncomfortable feeling when you're in a building that is for a career you know you'll never want to go into. I feel a little bit strange using the vending machines in the McKay (education) building, I feel awkward wearing jeans in the RB (fitness), and I feel like my backpack is a little bit to big, my stride a little bit too long, and my scarf not quite fashionable enough in the HFAC (music). And the Tanner building (business)? Well, it's undefinable, but let's just say you won't find me hanging out in there.

Sometimes I feel like that green leaf. I mean, I'm still a leaf just
 like everyone else, but I'm different. Although I guess in this
 analogy it would look like I'm the one who needs to change to
become like everyone else. I'm now regretting being the green
leaf because, c'mon, who wouldn't want to be an awesome red leaf?

Why must I always make dumb metaphors? Why?

People say that they want to be a nonconformist, but a lot of that I have to outright reject. That's why marriage is attractive, because you get to know someone deeply and intimately, and he/she will know you in the same why (why marriage scares me...), but you can't gain that connection without some common interests and values. Certainly we shouldn't all be the same, but there's a reason why engineers are a little bit weirded out when they see people from humanities majors in the Clyde (engineering) building.

You really want to be that guy. Really.

It's interesting that I feel a little bit uncomfortable in these buildings. I'm actually quite involved in music, I'm physically active, and there's a decent possibility that I'll end up teaching (although let's not get ahead of ourselves). It's not like I'm uncomfortable with the subjects, I guess I just perceive the difference in the people; I see that what they want to do is not what I want to do. And on some fundamental level, it matters.

When I entered college, I wanted a challenge. I wanted to have classes that I feel completely inadequate in, so that I would know how to overcome that. Because although I wouldn't wish for anything less than excellent grades, I know that if I got something less than what I'm used to that it would mean a lot more to me than all the other grades, because you had better know that I worked my butt off for that seemingly disappointing grade. One of my favorite reddit posts (not that I can really say that, since I've only spent like 20 minutes on reddit, ever) gives advice to people entering college, although I really think it can apply to anyone. Part of the post says [talking about people who attend MIT], "students that are successful look at that challenge, wrestle with feelings of inadequacy and stupidity, and begin to take steps hiking that mountain, knowing that bruised pride is a small price to pay for getting to see the view from the top. They ask for help, they acknowledge their inadequacies. They don't blame their lack of intelligence, they blame their lack of motivation."

I always assumed that I'd find that challenge in my engineering classes, but maybe I won't. Maybe I have to face my feelings of inadequacy about being a musician, a runner (snicker snicker), a social person, and whatever else. Maybe that's what I have to do if I want to (metaphorically) climb some mountains. 

my double rainbow

Since my older sister is getting married in a little less than a month, I figured I should get my (gasp!) bridesmaid dress. The only requirement? Grey and knee length. Not too bad, right? That's what I thought too, but it turns out grey dresses (that aren't extremely expensive, fit me, and are a decent length) are terribly hard to find.

Today I went to the University Mall, and went to every single store (with women's clothing, at least 15, I swear) looking for that dress. I looked through every dress rack, tried on every grey dress I could find (even some that looked like they were grey but I think they were really navy...) and was about to give up after about three hours of searching. With maybe two or three clothing stores left, I gave American Eagle a try, and, low and behold, there was my dress! I almost didn't try it on; the tag had a size larger than what I generally wore, and the price was more than what I wanted to pay. But, looking up, I saw a clearance sign, 40% off! Luckily, I did try it on, and not only did it fit, but it also only cost about half the price I thought it was going to be, even with clearance.

That's more or less how I will look wearing it...

So, things were shaping up, and I was optimistic even though it was late afternoon, and I was hungry and in need of a bathroom stop. Then I step outside, ready for the long journey home. And it's pouring. Undeterred, I pull out my umbrella. But still, I have two miles to trek home, and the wind is blowing  right towards my so me umbrella is not really all that effective. I walk along, desperately hoping some kind (and not at all creepy) soul will offer me a ride. No such luck.

I'm slogging along in my now wet shoes and I happen to glance up and see the sun shining through the rain. Oh hey, say I (not out loud of course), a monkey's uncle! and then I continue on (I don't care what other people say, but a monkey's uncle is when it's raining and the sun is shining). But then, a couple of minutes later, I happen to glance up again, and see a double rainbow. Full over the sky too! I may or may not have burst out into song about then...

So. Much. Physics. I love it.
(Just want to clarify and say that that's not the rainbow I saw.
Random picture off the web. You know.)

I don't know if you've ever seen a double rainbow, but they are about the best thing ever. If you have, you may have noticed that it's darker in between the two bows, and lighter underneath, and that the second bow is opposite, as in red on the inside band, and blue/violet is on the outside. Walter Lewin gives a whole lecture on it! He's my hero. You might enjoy rainbows right now, but I guarantee that you'll appreciate them that much more if you watch this lecture. 

finding energy

I feel like I'm not doing enough; that I'm just going through the motions and not going anywhere. Before I went to college what I wanted to do in general was pretty clear, but now I'm stuck up on all the nit-picky things and I don't know what specifically is best for me right now, and what the best ways for me to spend my time are. I want to join clubs, to find an internship, to do all of these things that I know I'll enjoy and be glad I did later, but I can't seem to be able to overcome that energy barrier of starting, of taking the time to look for internships and fill out the applications; to find out what clubs there are and figure out how to join, etc., etc.

But this is not just a concerted reaction (aka it happens all in one step), where once I overcome that initial energy barrier it's all downhill, I continually have to input energy to do the things that I think will be worthwhile, and so I don't think I can say that I've done all I've wanted to so far this year.

Probably have been doing too much chemistry lately...

I guess what I'm saying, is that lately I've been having a tough time motivating myself to do everything I need to do, and then everything I want to do. And then, sometimes, I'm simply not even sure what I do want.

BUT, on a bright side, tomorrow is Friday, and then the next week is Thanksgiving! I am so excited to have some time off of school. Other than weekends the last day off from school was Memorial day. Needless to say, I think I could benefit from a break.

all I want for Christmas

I need to visit Australia. ASAP.

I found this picture on Astronomy Picture of the Day. I honestly can't understand how this picture cannot inspire awe. Science is beautiful, even when it's not understood. Just looking at the picture you can see a moon bow, a plane (lame, I know. It's the horizontal streak in the middle), a meteor (the vertical streak), and a band of the milky way. And that's just such a small part of the wonders this universe holds. 

Thierry Legault: Meteor and Moonbow over Wallaman Falls

I would gladly give up the conveniences of the suburbs to live in the country if there were night skies like this. Right now I live in a city, and while the mountains certainly are beautiful and I love having extended family and grocery stores nearby, I wish it was easier to see the night sky. I absolutely love the stars, for the physics I do know about them, and for the mystery that they will appear, all extended in front of my wondering eyes on a clear night.

National Geographic: Our Vanishing Night

Call me whatever you will for putting yet another picture of the night sky up, but I just can't help it. Sometimes the harsh, bright lights that are lit at night make me feel stifled, and I need the stars to reassure me that the universe is going to continue on in its course without me, and to encourage me to take charge of the things that I do have control over in my life. I need the stars to force me to take a break from my normal routines and just lie down in humble awe.

Although the sky is available to all, how many of us can truthfully say that we have experienced the full extent of the grandeur of the night sky?

I'll put that on my bucket list.

run from the rapist

Saturday I decided to start running, and since I found a beautiful path along the Provo River, I decided to go running yesterday morning... at 5:30 am. Somehow I managed to will myself out of bed and go running, even though it was only for about 15 minutes. Despite day light savings time it was pitch black outside, and I can understand why there were no cars on the road. I was grateful for the lights on the path, because otherwise I would be seriously concerned for my safety (and have to go back to my apartment to get my rape whistle... thanks BYU). I was pretty impressed with myself since I not only got up but also ran the whole time, even if I did pass out (not literally this time) on the couch afterwards.

But I guess I was inwardly revolting against my ideas to be active, to reach my step count before 11:59 PM (for the step study I'm participating in). Because this morning I didn't go. When my alarm went off, this time at 6:30, my subconscious turned it off for a "really good reason." Drifting out of sleep again at 7:06, I couldn't remember what the reason was, but it was enough to convince me to reset my alarm for 7:50 and go back to sleep.

The reason? I dreamed last night that it had snowed and my subconscious self reasoned that snow was a good enough reason to keep me from running.

There is no snow. Today is gorgeous.

My subconscious is so lazy.

a bucket list of sorts

I like lists. I like them a lot. I also like goals.

But first, let me explain. You've most likely heard of The Bucket List, perhaps you've even made one. But maybe you haven't heard of Randy Pausch. He's a professor, was a professor rather, at CMU, a fantastic university with tartan as the school color (aka Carnegie Melon). One of my friends is going there actually. But anyway, he (Randy Pausch) only had a certain amount of time to live, and so he gave a last lecture, one on achieving childhood dreams. I usually don't post videos because somehow I have managed not to get addicted to YouTube or pinterest or Facebook (okay, well, that one might be different), although things like this tend to amuse (and distract) me.... Anyway, I know this video is especially long, but if you have time I'd recommend watching it.

Anyway, I agree with him in that setting goals and accomplishing them is important, but I don't think it's necessarily vital to fulfill childhood dreams. I honestly can't remember what I wanted to do when I was little, all I know is that I was surprised at where my life lead me in high school. So it's important to be flexible, and not so rigid in following goals that were made long before that opportunities are missed. And by that, I mean that whatever I aspired to do when I was little probably won't happen. Especially since I can't remember what I wanted to do. Whoops.

Okay. Now for the list. Here's a bucket list of sorts of what I want to do in college

• Go on an impromptu road trip
• Take an online class or take a class with independent study
• Meet the president of the university
• Attend general conference in the conference center
• Start a club
• Pull two all-nighters in one week
• Sleep in until at least 3PM
• Learn how to cook (left with no clear definition on purpose)
• Pull a prank (like this. Heh.)
• Explore all the buildings on campus
• Participate in research that is published
• Learn how to ski
• Make a crazy small budget and keep it for at least a month. What I mean by this is mostly referring to the idea of living off of $30 for food for a month or some similar experience, mostly just to see if I can do it. (Really, go look at that link. It's interesting.)
• Live like a missionary for a week (go to bed by 10, wake up by 6, no Facebook, etc.)
• Run a 5K
• Make a palindrome
• Climb a mountain
• Work as a TA/writings fellow
• Go out to lunch with a professor
• Stay up all night talking to someone
• Make the dean's list
• Backpack through Europe/Study abroad

And there's more. So many more.

oh Sandy

Lately it seems like I haven't been able to concentrate long enough to get a coherent post out. But this will work out... says me for the fifth time. Sigh.

I missed my good friend Sandy on her visit to the east coast. Looks like she had a good time with my family... 

Almost forgot how much greener New Jersey is.

Whoops.

Part of me is sad that I missed out on such an exciting event, but at the same time, I have found some extremely crunchy leaves here the past couple of days, and I don't know that I'd want to give that up. Then again, no school for a couple of days would be nice, and it probably would be good for me to not have power because then I'd be forced to go to bed earlier. Also, I wouldn't mind having Halloween postponed because I still don't have a costume. I think I'm going to go to DI (it's similar to salvation army) this afternoon and find something there. Man, in some ways I'm completely unmotivated. 

Day before last I was able to register for classes for next semester... Can't say that it worked out quite as well as I expected it to. I'm on a waitlist of 33 people for a class of 25, so that looks promising... And then some of the classes that I was planning on taking aren't even offered this semester, so my schedule looks a little bit different than I was planning for it to look. On the bright side though, I managed to avoid afternoon classes (other than my o chem lab, for which I'm on a waitlist of 55 people for). So now all I have to do is sit back and hope that everybody -- and then some -- drops the class sessions I want to take.

I haven't made any origami lately, or read, or practiced organ... and somehow I still need to go to bed earlier than I am. I mentioned the step study that I'm in before. Last week I went in so that they could update my pedometer, and found out that I was not actually reaching the 15000 steps I was supposed to, so now I have to figure out how to wander around more to reach that. It feels so pointless, trying to take the most ineffective paths to where I want to go, just so that I can take more steps. Maybe I wills start running so I don't have to feel obligated to take the longest path to wherever I want to go. 

a beginning and an end

This week started out overcast and dark. Monday I had an eight o'clock class, and when I left it was the awkward time in the morning when it's not dark any more, but it's not exactly light either. It reminded me of all the times waking up early for a flight: when you leave the house it's dark but by the time you get to the airport it's sunrise and you're tired -- but in a weird sort of way since you've been up for two hours already. I remember one time we had a flight at eight in the morning so we were at the airport around 6:30. And we threw a diaper around. Good fun actually. I'd recommend doing it when you're not fully awake though... it's more enjoyable that way. Anyway, the campus was all hushed and subdued because it was too early to exert energy to talk and be social. But it was in a good type of way -- there's that expectation of really good things to come.

And then the rest of the week happened.

And now Saturday! I went to the temple which took a lot longer than I expected so I didn't end up having time to take my test for Book of Mormon, so I'm going to have to pay the $5 late fee to take it Monday. Oh well.... And then I went home, and baked! I made pumpkin bread/muffins/cookies, banana bread/muffins, and apple pie! And also mashed potatoes. (Those are all the recipes I used, in case you're wondering. Everything tastes really good. Except for I don't know about the pie yet.) The pie is really impressive actually. It better taste good. It has a caramel sauce on top, and I didn't even realize that was what it was until I was making it and it clicked that it was caramel! Caramel in and of itself is pretty good. But homemade caramel... man, it's delicious, especially when it's still all warm and soft. I would post pictures but I don't know where my SD card went... I thought I just left it in my laptop, but it's not here, and it's not in my camera either. Hopefully it'll show up.

my fears

There is always some part of me that is afraid: afraid that my actions right now aren't good enough and that I'll regret them later. It's not that I'm making obviously poor choices; it's more subtle than that, but there's always the part of me that tells me that I can be better than I am, and that I should be trying harder to be that person. I'm afraid that I'm not living my life in the best way possible, I'm afraid that one day I'll look back and think about who I could have become but didn't. Part of me is afraid that I'm not good enough now to get into my dream school, MIT, for grad school, and then another part of me, perhaps a larger part, is afraid that when the time comes that that won't be what I want anymore. It scares me how little control I have over my life. I want to take my life by the horns, but yet I'm forced to live life one day at a time, just like everybody else.

And perhaps that's what makes life difficult: the fact that we do have to go by life one day at a time. It's easy to make big plans, but actually following through on those plans... that's difficult. It happens to me all the time with homework, especially the homework with a due date far in the future (i.e. summer homework... which I didn't have this summer!). I'll make big plans to do it, and I'll even start it, but then I'll feel overwhelmed, and I'll give up, or at least for that day. But in order to be successful you have to be persistent  I read this book over the summer, and I would highly recommend it. It's called The Drunkard's Walk: How Randomness Rules Our Everyday Lives, and like the title might imply, it's about randomness. The book talked a lot about how just mere talent does not guarantee success: authors we now praise often only became renown after many attempts at having their books published, and popular movies likely have an equally good counterpart movie that was never produced because the idea was shot down.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going upstream, and all of the fish
are giving me really strange looks

Although I certainly have my share of imperfections, I can't let my fears rule my life. I need to decide now that I am going to act. Not tomorrow, today. I will change today. I will stop wasting time, I will stop going to bed too late (actually can't do that today... already past midnight. Whoops. But oh hey that means I can go to bed earlier today!), I will try harder to have a social life. I will be better, and I will start today.

one of those days

Make sure you're seeing the whole picture --
with everything important in it

You know those days that seem to drag on forever and you desperately want them to be over -- even though that means that you'll have to face whatever dreadful thing the next day presents? One of those days where you have so much to do, and you don't know how you're going to get everything done? The kind of day where when someone smiles in passing at you you just can't muster the strength to reciprocate the smile? That's what I think what living in the moment is. Or, at least, one type of living in the moment. And, it happens to me much more than I would like. Today for example.

Today was one of those days. I left my apartment at 8:20 this morning and didn't get back until 8:30 tonight. Between classes, studying for my stats test, taking my stats test, doing homework, working on research stuff, this day has way too long. I still haven't done everything I should have, such as studying for my physics test, printing out my writing paper (and editing it...), buying my sister a birthday present (her birthday is tomorrow. whoops.), practicing organ, and probably other things too that I can't remember. Sometimes, the here and now feels overwhelming.

Unless I'm disciplined, I tend to focus on
what isn't as important in the long term

I consider myself a very future-oriented person. Most everything I do is because I'm expecting something good will come out of it... eventually. But yet, it seems like every day I have a list of things I need to do, and I have no sort of plan of how to do them. And generally, everything on that list focuses on what I need to do right then. Study for my test this week, pass off organ exercises that are due, finish physics homework and hand it in, make sure I reach five hours of work for my research job... Now that I'm in the midst of the semester, the farthest in the future I can seem to focus on (and act upon, not just think about) is a couple of days in the future. I might do my chemE homework a couple days early, or I might start studying for a big test the week before, but that's it.

Perhaps I need to refocus, and see how my goals and interests align with what I'm currently doing. Because really, focus makes the difference between the desired result, and something different all together.

I appreciate life

I've been thinking the difference that exists between when you say you enjoy something and when you truly appreciate it. I'm sure this doesn't exactly follow dictionary definitions of the words, but I think that enjoyment involves simple pleasure, whereas appreciation entails the effort and hard work that it takes to come to understand something thoroughly. For example, I would say that before I read Walter Lewin's book I enjoyed rainbows, but know I can say that I appreciate rainbows because I know how they work (although, granted, not perfectly).

It's this way with a lot of things in life. You can enjoy a good meal, but until you are faced with having to make it yourself (i.e. until college) you can't truly appreciate it. You can enjoy good weather, but unless you've lived somewhere where there's crappy weather all the time, you can't completely appreciate the gorgeous, crisp, fall days. The same goes for life: you can appreciate it, but unless you're pushed to your limits and face trials and challenges you can't fully appreciate life. So, some food for thought: are there some aspects of life which you are passively enjoying instead of actively appreciating?

This has nothing to do with anything...

I know I tend to take a lot of things for granted, although coming here to college has helped me see how much I have. I appreciate food easily ten times as much as I did in high school, because now I realize how difficult it is to come by (free food or homemade food). Letters are also really important, and I have to say getting a letter in the mail makes my day, every time. I appreciate transportation now that I'm walking everywhere (except for when I don't mooch off of my sister's fiance...). Man, it was nice having a car this past summer. Also, family, and everything that comes from living at home. Being super far away has made me appreciate how nice it was to have my laundry done, and to have little brothers and sisters bug me while I was doing homework -- or do fun things with like watch movies, or go to random dams in the middle of... somewhere, I think (that did happen). I also appreciate church a lot more since I'm putting forth more effort to make sure I'm living my life as I should be.

Am I doing perfectly? Certainly not. I can't say that I appreciate modern art. Not in the least bit. I just can't understand what the point is, what the artist is trying to say. And same goes for a lot of literature, film, architecture... and I don't think I can say that I appreciate the humanities. The mountains here? I've climbed Timpanogos, but I'm not going to count that, so I don't think I can say that I appreciate the mountains either, since I haven't experienced the cruel, harsh reality that climbing a mountain presents. The list goes on too. But am I going to stop trying to gain a greater understanding of everything that surrounds me? No. Am I going to live my life passively, enjoying the good parts that come my way? No! If there's one thing that I don't want to be, it's passive. Although I undoubtedly have not had the sorest trials in life, I have been challenged, and I have put forth a lot of effort to come to understand the life that surrounds me, so I think it would be fair to say that, on some level, I appreciate life.

Edit: I just watched Walter Lewin's lecture on rainbows and I think it's interesting to note that he makes a similar differentiation: at the beginning of the lecture he tells the class that they have looked at rainbows, but have not yet seen them.

why my life is great

I'm not going to lie, this week has been pretty fantastic, albeit not that great for the tests which I have next week...

My writing paper has been turned in! I think I worked more for that paper than for any other (except maybe a research paper), so I fully expect that my professor will post it as a sample paper with my sister's next semester. The bad news: this paper is being expanded. So, I will have to put up with this paper a bit longer. But alas.

This morning when I left to go to campus, I saw a hot air balloon! It was quite awesome. Unfortunately it wasn't close enough to take a good picture though.

When I was going back from campus this evening, I saw a car with a New Jersey license plate! I don't know who owns that car, but he or she is my best friend I tell you.

Best friends. Seriously.

In my organ class we have to pick a repertoire piece (i.e. not a hymn) to learn by ourselves, and I went crazy and chose Bach's Fugue in G. It has a pretty difficult pedal piece, and combined with the other left and right hand... well it's a mess right now. But it's upbeat and fairly repetitive so hopefully it won't be unmanageable. I'm really excited to learn it though.

That's right. Playing three parts at once. 

As part of the honors program they're starting something new: honors societies, each one focused on different great work experiences such as science, service, art, literature, etc. They had a meeting for it on Wednesday, and there weren't a lot of people there so I'm kinda like a leader person now! But I have many, many ideas for this club. Like, my group could potentially fire me for over zealousness. I couldn't understand that though, because how can you not be excited about science? Hopefully now I will have people to attend lectures with, or verify that the Fibonacci numbers are real with.

Speaking of lectures, I went to one yesterday that was really, really interesting. It was on origami, and because of it I can now fully appreciate that which I used to only enjoy. Origami is useful: you can solve up to quartic equations just with two folds, as incredible as that sounds. And, you can trisect an angle! While you may not find that so, I think that that's astounding. I took a class at governor's school the summer before last which focused on rulers and compasses. And by the end of the course I had accepted that it was impossible to trisect an angle--or create a 7-gon. Yet, you can do both of those without too much trouble with origami. The amount of math that goes into something like the piece below is simply incredible, and makes me appreciate origami that much more because I now understand how complex it is.

Made out of one piece of paper. For more see langorigami.com

wonderful weekend

This weekend has been really short. But wonderful, all the same.

First, let me explain my research position. I work in a wildlands fire research lab, and up to this point I have mainly been analyzing IR data which certainly has given me new experience with spreadsheets and so forth, but not terribly exciting. This Friday, I finally did something. The main purpose of the lab is to burn stuff to create models to hopefully be able to better model fire movement for firefighters. So, on Friday we were doing a burn, and I got to help. First, we had to do all the grunt work: massing the samples, measuring length, width and thickness of leaves, counting how many leaves each sample had, taking pictures, obtaining a moisture content figure, and so forth. And then we got to burn them! It was really fun being able to to help out with the burn, and watching all of the clumps (small branches of leaves) burn was really, really enjoyable. If you're interested, you can find a video with a brief overview of the lab here. 

For those of you who have not been involved in scientific research before, I'm not going to sugarcoat it. There are a lot of aspects of research which are really tedious and less enjoyable, and only moments, such as during the burn, when the air is literally crackling with excitement. Walter Lewin talked about in his book how his team would prepare for a year or so before a balloon launch just so that they could get everything right (looking at x-ray astronomy where data can only be obtained from high in the atmosphere). But it's worth it, because when everything clicks, it's that much more rewarding. 

Not to change the subject, but I have an exciting announcement. I bought new shoes! 

Quality shoes here: no arch support, no treads left,
and places that will be holes soon enough...

Quality shoes here (not sarcastic now...)

Ever since I got to college I have been walking a lot. Since I don't have a bike or a bus pass, I've been walking too and from campus everyday, and from class to class. And, I kinda like it too. It gives me plenty of time to think everything over (and then over think things...) and allows me to (somewhat) plan my day out in my head. Also, I'm participating in a women's step study, so I have to reach a certain number of steps everyday (1500), and I get reimbursed about $100 at the end of it. I don't know how accurate the pedometer is, but it says that I walk 7-9 miles a day, and that's just how much I walk in the normal course of things. So that means that in the five or so weeks I've worn my old shoes here, they've gone at least 175 miles with me, not accounting for weekends, etc. That's kinda crazy. I guess I don't have to be too worried about a freshman fifteen...

Also, general conference was this weekend! As you may or may not know, I'm a Mormon, and our church holds a general meeting (which you can watch via broadcast. You can also access sessions or specific talks here) every six months. They announced this meeting that they changed the minimum age for which young women and young men can serve a mission: now guys can go at 18 while girls can go at 19. I've never really seriously thought about going on a mission, but now since it would be right in between my freshman and sophomore years of college (so much more convenient than after graduating), I'm considering going. So we'll see, perhaps that's what I need to do at this point in my life.

I made all of the origami things you see below during conference... As you can see, some of them didn't work out (aka all the ones to the left). And I was going to make some kind of analogy about how you have to try things even though everything doesn't always end up the way you want it (or sometimes you're not ready to handle certain situations yet), but I think... I'll save that spiel for another day. If you want links to learn how to make anything pictured below, let me know. 

I wish I had pretty origami paper... although perhaps
that would be bad, because then I would
definitely make origami stuff ALL. THE. TIME. 

it's October

It's funny, I come here, and suddenly I don't know what to say when people ask me what I like to do in my spare time. I guess it's a little bit less true now, since I've had some time to get in the flow of things, but right when I got here I was tongue tied whenever anyone asked me what I like to do for fun. All the things I did in high school such as mock trial, band, quiz bowl, oompah band in German Folk Club, Interact, marching band... I don't do them any more. And even less structured activities such as baking or playing with my little brothers or just sitting down at the piano and having fun with a piece... I can't exactly do  those things any more. Or rather, now they take effort.

I don't want it to sound like I'm having an identity crisis... I'm not. I myself know who I am, and I know where I want to be, and more or less how I want to get there. It's just... I don't know how to define myself to other people any more. I don't really feel like an engineer yet; in fact, at this point, I probably would classify myself as more of a scientist. And I'm not just a math/science person. I really enjoy music, reading, meeting new people, and learning in general.

My AP bio teacher in high school said that one characteristic people generally don't list when asked to describe themselves is happy. I am most certainly happy. There are always stressful moments, or days, or times when the seemingly only solution is crying, and I have experienced those feelings -- quite a bit more than usual -- here in college. But, whenever I'm feeling down, or stressed out, or overwhelmed, something good happens, or I lift my head up and see something really amazing. Maybe I'll understand the physics homework right away, or practicing organ will really calm me down and put somethings in perspective. Maybe someone will smile at me, I'll find a rainbow and I'll know how it works, or I'll see someone I know on campus.

One day as I was heading from writing to orgo, I had my head down, and was probably stressed, thinking about how I was going to accomplish all that had to be done that day, but I wasn't exactly upset. And then someone asked me if I was okay. While everything was fine, it was reassuring to know that there are people -- even complete strangers -- who are looking out for me. My Book of Mormon teacher told us last week that "it's almost October." It's almost that time where people start to get really stressed out, and life in general gets crazy - if it wasn't already. He told us about one of his students who had to leave halfway through the semester; his roommate had committed suicide, and he hadn't noticed because he was too caught up in his bubble.

As attractive as your bubble might be, get out of it. 

I don't know about everyone else, but when I have a lot to do and I feel that I can't afford to be unfocused, I withdraw into my own personal sphere, and it's really hard to penetrate it. I was doing homework over at friend's apartment the other day, and his roommate kept talking to me, and while I heard every single word he said, I can't say that I really listened. Although that might be good for my homework, I know that there are other things other than grades that are really important too, and perhaps even more so. So far this semester I have been trying really hard to keep myself aware of everything that is outside of my bubble. There are children out there. There are people that need my friendship. There are worthwhile ways to spend my time that don't always involve doing homework or studying. I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's October already. Watch that you don't get too caught up in your bubble.

oh glorious day

I just want to start off by saying that this week (so far) has been way less stressful than I was expecting it to be. I took two tests today, and I got a brownie after the first one! Also my organic chemistry test was... easier than my Book of Mormon test! I might actually have to start transferring some of the effort I spend in organic chemistry to other classes (such as everything other than organic chemistry basically...).

I don't really have anything else to say, so I will post some pictures from France!

Eiffel tower at night = gorgeous

Creeper picture! Thus, no head. It's funny,
you won't really find people wearing shorts in France...

I kinda really, really want to play a  real pipe organ.
 Especially one like this.

   

fuzzy acorns!

     I have... not posted in forever. This week hasn't even been that crazy, I guess I just haven't really felt I have had anything worthwhile to post about. I won't bore you with the drab details of my week, but here are some highlights...

It got cooler! It's not anymore, but there were a good two or three days of sweatshirt weather, and some rain that will give you the chills. But whatever. I was super grateful for it because it seems like whenever everything points towards a good rainstorm, it doesn't happen. I still haven't used my umbrella yet though...

It was like this for at least a day before there was some actual rain.

Also, there are cool fuzzy acorns here! They're everywhere. Everywhere. I'll go to sit down in the grass and eat some food or whatever, and there'll be acorns, right where I want to sit!

That'd be them!

What else... I went to an instrumental concert! I was fed dinner three times this week, which you can really only fully appreciate as a college student. I sat up in a tree with other engineering/math/science-y people until past one last night. One of the library books I will swear I renewed was not, and now I have five dollars of fines because they charge a dollar a day and they don't e-mail you saying it's overdue until five days after. That's pretty sneaky of them. It also kinda sucks... But at least it was just one book I suppose, and not, say, five...

I have three tests this upcoming week! Don't let that sneaky exclamation mark fool you. I am only putting on a brave face, and really I am crying inside. Especially since one of them is for organic chemistry. I think so far I have been keeping up pretty well with problems in the books and so forth, but just because I think I'm ready doesn't really mean that I'm necessarily going to do well... AHHHHH. Let this week be over already, please.

Despite the moments when I feel overwhelmed by how much I have to do and don't know how everything will be accomplished, somehow I always find that somehow, everything does work out. I miss New Jersey, my family and everyone else I was close to back home quite a bit, but overall I'm happy here. I can't believe that this semester is already about a third of the way over. Crazy!

this is what happens to my Saturdays...

So... last night I stayed up until 2 a.m. watching How I Met Your Mother. They really need to make the episodes longer, because right now it's wayyy too easy to justify watching another 22 minute episode... six times in a row. But it was okay, because I slept in until past ten. The problem is though, I haven't done anything productive since then. I showered, and then started making origami and that's really all I've done with my day, despite the fact that I really do need to do homework, practice organ/piano, go on campus to work on research because I haven't reached my five hours for the week... 

I love making them, but I hate keeping them. Any takers?

I'm currently waiting for my sister (aka her fiance) to pick me up to go shopping. My cupboard (never realized it was spelled like that...) is pretty bare, as you can see, and I don't have much more in the fridge/freezer. Come, my sister. I am beckoning you.

Yes, there is a Great Value theme going on...

just when I became a hexagon pro...

Orgo started moving really fast all of a sudden. I thought I had a pretty good handle of the material; after all, I was drawing hexagons like a pro! Only to learn that cyclohexanes aren't actually shaped like hexagons (I'll add pictures tomorrow...). Can you imagine my chagrin (hehe I can pretend that I'm a English-minded person) when I discovered that all this time that they had me drawing hexagon after hexagon, they aren't even hexagons? They're actually chair shaped, but they can turn into a boat, but because the boat isn't very stable, cyclohexanes usually switch between two chair conformations. But if they have constituents on the ring, they can actually have isomers, and then switch between the two, and it's all very confusing, as you might have guessed. 

This makes me happy, because I can draw hexagons really, really well

This does not. Chairs and boats are rather confusing. Thank you, chemistry

   
In someway I kind of feel betrayed. I mean, I've known for long enough that for every rule there are exceptions, and then exceptions to the exceptions, but really. Orgo has a way of crushing everything I learned in AP chemistry. Example: methane isn't an acid! Except for it can be. Never mind that the pKa is around 50 (aka it will almost never act as an acid), but it could potentially act as an acid. This phenomena is not unique to chemistry: it also happens in physics, and probably elsewhere too. It's all a big game, trying to figure out what is actually the reality of things (while not being overwhelmed with information).

Speaking of games... I played the career fair game today, even though as a freshman my chances of getting an internship (particularly through a career fair) are pretty slim. I got all dressed up with my sister's pencil skirt that had poor consequences for my shins (and severely restricts the stride of my legs. I will trade for a tie any day), printed out eight resumes, and gave out seven. It was... a little bit intimidating, since most everyone else had a good two or three years of schooling on me, and I don't have any standout experience yet. However, I did receive some lovely free stuff...

I also got a shoulder bag, which I probably will never use...